Bait and Switch?

There are times when I feel completely tricked. My husband seems to transform into my idea of the perfect man only when he feels threatened that he might lose me - and only until he's certain he's won me back.  And yes, I'm so terribly in love with him and still desire him so I fall for it every time. Every time hoping he finally gets me and THIS time will be different.

He says he enjoys sex but he NEVER EVER initiates it.  Plus he  sometimes makes me feel as if there is something wrong with ME because I want to have sex with him.

Because of this constantly feeling rejected, I stifled my desires by eating poorly and gained weight. Now I've been losing weight for a year now - I'm more than 1/2 way to my goal weight and he seems to be proud of me but...

I'm scared... Losing the weight has not yet made him more passionate toward me and I'm terrified that even after I reach my goal, he still won't ever initiate a physical relationship with me.

Because he makes me feel as if my wanting the physical relationship is somehow "weird", I can't seem to muster the confidence to initiate more than once every 4-6 months... and it's been somewhere between 3-4 years since HE initiated love making.

I've been head-over-heels in love with this man for 29 years now and when he cuts me out physically, it breaks my heart... I MISS sharing that physical/spiritual connection with him and try as I might I just can not understand how he doesn't miss me too.


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6 Responses Mar 10, 2009

Women R great at turning things around !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Plus he sometimes makes me feel as if there is something wrong with ME because I want to have sex with him."<br />
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This is exactly the tactic my wife uses with me... she tries to spin the issue into one of insanity... making it seem like no decent person should be wanting sex... don't buy into it...<br />
embrace your sexuality is what I say.<br />
<br />
james<br />

I feel for you truthinker. And I know exactly what you mean when you say you feeled tricked. I feel that way at times too.<br />
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Before I married my wife, she always seemed to want me. In fact, that's one of the reasons I married her--her apparent desire for me. For me, being desired and wanted is a critical aspect of a strong and fulfilling relationship.<br />
<br />
However, once we married her desire for me waned a bit. And Once we had our first child, her desire for me ended abrumptly--like flipping a switch.<br />
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I've now been in a semi-sexless marriage for 7 years (once or twice a month at most, months without at worst). And even when we do have physical contact, it is mechanical and emotionless. I try--I will do ANYTHING to physically please her. She knows that is true. The sad thing is, there's nothing she wants me to do for her.<br />
<br />
Like you, being affectionate is natural to me. It is the way I best express my feelings. Now I have no way to express feelings, and I'm married to someone who isn't interested in hearing what I physically have to say. I feel cheated. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Wow, that's rough. Seems to me you and your partner need to really communicate on this subject. (If necessary, with some professional help.) Be prepared that he might see the situation very differently than you do - but seems to me you both really need to understand what's going on with each other. But let me reassure you that there is nothing wierd with you wanting sex and wanting to initiate it. Be sure that there are many men who love it when their partner takes the initiative. In the end, if he's just not willing or able to meet your needs, you're going to have to make a hard decision about how you *are* going to get your needs met. Good luck - I'm sure you can work it out in the end.

Losing weight is one of the things that can heighten our own sexual desires too - and this adds to our frustration when our spouses are not responsive.<br />
<br />
Whether we realise it or not, being overweight tends to decrease our self esteem and our libido might well "go out in sympathy" to some extent.<br />
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Losing weight increases your confidence in yourself. At the same time, a healthy diet and exercise are doing wonders, not only for our self image, but also our physical and psychological health.<br />
<br />
As a result I think many of us become more aware of ourselves as sexual beings with needs . . . and sometimes this makes our situation harder in a way.<br />
<br />
But that is NO reason to avoid getting healthy and losing weight. It will improve your life in so many ways - and at the end of the day, our OWN liives are the ONLY ones we can control.<br />
<br />
I'm so sorry your husband has not responded to all your efforts - but keep on with improving youself. You are a gem that deserves polishing - whether he sees that or not.

All I can say is go along with your plan and if he does come around by the time U reach your goals , there R more fish in the sea as they say !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!