Hi Folks :(

Here's me... I'm 30, a good looking guy, madly in love with my wife, but it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with me as a lover. We'll hold hands, cuddle in bed and that kind of thing, she'll fool around with me now and again but seemingly out of pity, and more often than not it's completely half-hearted. Our marriage isn't completely sexless but I love her and I like being physical, I'd love to have the kind of relationship where we're at it like rabbits all the time but it's like she's completely disinterested and only ever touches me out of pity. She'll throw me a bone once a month maybe, I tend to just try and stay respectful of her low sex drive but if I don't say anything I get the impression we'd never have sex at all, about 3 months is as long as I've managed to stay cool (but I'm quite sure I got less and less cool as time went on).

It's hard to type, but then it's a hard life to live, and I'm sure a lot of you reading this are having a much worse time than me. I think what bothers me most isn't that she doesn't want much sex but that she doesn't seem at all interested in me physically. If I start to touch her or kiss her she'll suddenly remember household chores that can't wait a second, has a sneezing/coughing fit, get show-stoppingly ticklish, need to check the oven's off, etc. etc. basically it seems like she looks for any reason she can find to physically escape. I've worried she's a lesbian... Part of me still does.

It breaks my heart, I think it messes up my self esteem and makes me a worse person to be around. We've had our rough times but we both really love each other and things have been great lately (except the sex) she says she likes me chunky - I used to be in great shape and so I let myself pile on a stone of fat to fit in with how she wanted me to look, she said she liked me a lot better but it made no difference to our physical relationship and now I just hate who I am, I've given up ruining my body to give her something to look at and am putting myself through hell to get back in the kind of (fit) shape *I* want to be in. To top it all off we went on holiday recently and the seedy area of the city made her horny like she hasn't been since we first met - that hurt like hell. She actually said "wow I guess maybe there really is a problem" (she's always told me I was *lucky* to get it once a month, since 'most' married people get way less) but I asked her to talk to a doctor about it and she's not interested. She says she talked to the docs before and they just said to try a different pill but she hasn't been on the pill in years so if they were thinking it was a certain kind of pill screwing with her hormones I figure it's worth asking again! It's not a problem that affects her life in a negative way though so she doesn't care - actually it affects her life in a negative way in that it ruins her husband, but that's not enough of an impetus for her to take action, apparently

I don't know what to do, it's hard to type this and I'm terrified she'll see it and be hurt but the whole thing makes me feel so crazy and helpless. She says it'll be better when she loses weight (she's put on weight since I met her but not a huge amount) but will it? Will she? Would she really not get turned on by me in the slightest, teeniest way for years on end then get turned on by a seedy part of a city if the problem was her weight?

Anyway, this is way more than I ever meant to write, I just feel like I'm at a dead end. I'm sure the other members of this group know what I mean. It's one of the worst problems I think I've had to deal with in my life to date, I'm trying really hard not to let my feelings about it get in the way of the good in our relationship but it's just a complete non-issue for her, while I'm left here feeling like my sex life is passing me by... it just sucks :(

janitor janitor
26-30, M
10 Responses Mar 10, 2009

Janitor, I just tripped across your story, and boy is it similar to mine. I, too, am accused of affairs I didn't have.<br />
W's not a Facebook or IM addict, but she's your wife's clone when it comes to avoiding personal attention. Hours in front of the computer are "time well spent", and there's always time to accept a massage, but try to be affectionate and the most mundane task is urgently awaiting. When all else fails, the "ticklish" wildcard gets played. Stop initiating affection and sex for a few weeks, and guess what - there's no affection or sex from her. It's a one-way street.<br />
Sorry we're on this journey together. Ping me if you find the magic elixir that cures this.

I totally understand how you feel , i get the nonissue thing from my wife too,i think she thinks that shes to damn perfect to have a problem so why bother looking into it!! I also understand the frustration in loving her but also wanting to feel loved and to be having sex as we have needs too....I only wish there was answers to be given!!

Wow I'm incredibly wordy, sorry about all the reading folks - I've been bottling a lot of stuff up for a long time I guess!

Thanks everybody, it's been very therapeutic just reading people's posts about this and knowing I'm not alone. "Giving something back" is half the reason I posted here - the other half is that I'm open to any and all suggestions or advice people can offer, you know what it's like :)<br />
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kungfuchic: She's definitely not seeing someone else, she does the facebook thing and tends to talk a lot with old guy friends, guys she went to school with etc. which actually does my head in - she spent hours a day most days talking to one guy on IM for like 13 months and although I told her from day one it bothered me (I feel it's very disrespectful of our marriage for him to literally come on when he wakes up in the morning and start talking to my wife and not stop until one of them goes to bed - she vehemently disagrees) but he hurt her feelings a few weeks ago and she kind of dropped him (although now it seems they're starting to chat again - yay!). All that being said, I'm quite sure it's all platonic on her part (although these guys, well, I know what guys are like, you know?)<br />
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Sex life was great when we first met, we had our rough patches both before and after and I'm certainly not blameless for those, the old adage of wedding cake being the best contraception seems to hold true in my case though as it happened pretty much overnight. At first it was 'the stress of getting married and getting a place' which had killed her libido, but we got married almost 5 years ago and it never improved.<br />
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I really do believe she's faithful and that she loves me. Personally I think it's medical, I don't understand why else I wouldn't get any reaction out of her at all, but then a city did, so I don't know, that's the reason I'm posting here - I'm open to any ideas and advice anyone has.<br />
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foolsrushin: I understand where you're coming from, I've thought the same thing myself but the nature of this problem is one that - for me certainly - inspires a lot of irrationality. I don't think revenge is a solution even if just to hammer our point home. I go back and forth on this point because it's so ridiculously depressing/infuriating/soul-destroying and it does seem like it comes from a selfish place on her part (why not just talk to a doctor? she knows how unhappy it makes me) but I don't think that would lead anywhere good, and it's hard to consciously hurt someone you love.<br />
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It's an awful situation and I feel like it creates distance between us emotionally. I always wondered why having sex was called "MAKING love", I think I get it now :/

Onemoresexless reach out to TouchMeNot and to ScottR they may be able to give you some of the other side.<br />
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Janitor: is there any chance your wife is seeing someone else? Have you explored that possibility? How was your sex life before you married?

I too joined this forum only yesterday, because after 8 years of exactly what you described above, I cannot but think of a better world outside. <br />
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Every word you said is ditto for me, except that the very few times, 8 times in 2 years (I know cause I have not yet finished the condom packet), we have been intimate, she feels she is doing a favor to me and that I need to acknowledge it. It has reached a point that even if she makes some moves now, I do not want to do anything, cause I do not want mercy sex. I would rather live without any.<br />
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How does sex become unimportant to someone totally? It would so really help to have the other side represented in these forums. I would so much like to understand from someone how they get disinterested, what switches them off completely?

I could really relate to the statement that it is a non issue for her. I wonder what my wife actually is thinking. I can see why she would turn it in to a non issue, because it is difficult to find a good resolution. I have contemplated finding some area of our life and turning around on her and giving her some lame excuse why I will not do something that gives her pleasure. Maybe we should all change our behaviors so our spouses are not so content. I feel we need to make this their problem as well as ours.

Seems so unbelievably selfish when they won't ask for medical help doesn't it.<br />
Don't be embarrassed we are all in the same boat here. And, I don't think it would do her any harm to see you reaching out. She is certainly not bothered by how much she is hurting you.

All I can tell you is that you're in the right place...<br />
Helps at least to know you're not alone.

dear janitor,<br />
I feel your pain; my husband and I are very affectionate with each other and we have a great time together, but the thought of anything sexual never enters his mind. I don't know what to tell you other than, You are Not Alone! <br />
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I hope that your situation gets better and that your wife realizes that your happiness is just as important as hers for your marriage to work.