I Live In a Sexless Marriage Too

Hello All,

My wife is critically ill.  She is currently on dialysis 3 times a week for 5 hours at a time.  We have been married 10 years this year and she has been ill for all 10 of those years.  Her mother passed away last summer and she became very ill and was admitted to icu at the hospital.  She is out now, but has been battling with her health more than usual.  The last time we had sex was last August.  It is very frustrating for both of us.  She wants to give me the physical pleasures, but is too sick to do so.  Lately, I have been thinking about going outside the marriage to get my needs met.  I love wife and would never think of leaving her.  But I really need to have the physical urges and pleasures met.  It is really difficult.

Thanks for reading and have a great day.


mrplus mrplus
13 Responses Mar 11, 2009

I live my life by the dice. And suggest you do the same.<br />
The infinite wisdom of the dice will reveal what you should do in this situation.<br />
Just give a consequence for each number that you may roll.<br />
So take you roll a one for instance:<br />
1.) Divorce your wife without telling her<br />
2.) **** your neighbour's children<br />
3.) ********** everyday<br />
4.) Chop off your genitals<br />
5.) Bring someone home, and **** her infront of your wife<br />
6.) Join your local church and repent your sins.<br />
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Roll the dice and see what should happen!<br />
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Well Summer5 and Touch Me Not, I can sure think and large volume of cruel things to say to each of you too. However, that's not what we are here for.<br />
We are here to give each other moral support; emotional support. <br />
Listen to the King of Pain MrPlus, and let the rest roll off of you. <br />
You have my sympathy and concern, and so does your wife.<br />
What a hell of a position to be in.<br />
Take care.

I go away for a little while and I come back to find this! I am disheartened by the tone some of the comments the last month or so. People come here to ask for and receive compassion. They are hurting. Regardless of if *you* think their pain is valid, accept that it is *their* pain and be compassionate to another human being who is hurting.<br />
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Please, if you can't find a way to be compassionate towards someone, *DON'T* comment.<br />
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EXTREMELY WELL PUT KingofPain... thank-you for pointing these things out.<br />
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None of us are here to judge. We are here to help and judging someone because of their thoughts or even actions is very cruel. <br />
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Just because his thoughts about a solution may suit him, does not mean that it's right for everyone. However, do not judge.<br />
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Judging people harshly as done above, only makes the person doing the judging look insensitive and cruel.<br />
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Just think before you type.... and everyone should be happy! :-)

SAD SAD SAD:<BR>Again Summers and Touch me not you are absolutely missing the point. It is rare in this forum that I question other posters. I have always said that each of us have a right to post and say what we need to in here, in order to grow and help one another. To comment without judgement and ridicule of the person who shared their story is how we help one another. Yet, I find your comments attacking and completely insensitive, something that really is not at all necessary in this forum. <BR><BR>So then the question for this and every story written in this forum is what is the description of a sexless marriage. Is it only limited to individuals that outright refuse sex with us? Or only for those that have not had sex with their spouse for over one year and excludes all others? So then we need to exclude all people from the group that have sex every so often with their spouse but it is not as regular as they wish or unfullfilling to them. Who gives us the right to pass that type of judgement on others? <BR><BR>You see the definition of a sexless marriage is as vast as the reasons for the marriage to be sexless. Not one single person in this group can pass judgement on a situation that they have not lived in. I did not see him blaming his wife, or treating her with ill will, he came here seeking answers to a very complex problem in his life. I did not interprit from his post that he was going to have an affair. Is an affair actually justified under any condition? A sick spouse, a refusing spouse, an overweight spouse, an unattractive spouse, a spouse that is poor in bed, the girl at the office that turned your head, the guy at the gym with the six pack abs, in all of these conditions those that have affairs are breaking the vows to meet their own needs. He says lately I have been thinking about doing this, not I am actively doing this or I am going to do this. Be careful not to stand to close to me or many others in this forum if you are concerned about thoughts equating to lighting bolts, cause we all are guilty of thinking about getting our needs met outside of the relationship based on how we feel deep inside of us.<BR><BR>The point is simple he came here seeking help and sharing his story. It is an absolute tragedy, and he is to be commended for sticking by her all of these years, as he said he loves her, and his story shows that. <BR><BR>So when you point your finger at him for stating how he feels and expressing his needs take a look and see that for the one going in his direction there are 3 more pointing back at you!

Finger/lick her and have her give you a B/J or a hand job.

My point exactly summers5. It's one thing to be of good health and a refuser and another to be physically ill and unable to perform.

Can't you just jack off. I asked my husband for a ***** for valentines day. Didn't get it or sex in months. I think he wants a divorce, he's just not telling me. He sure acts like it. My husband is said to have an illness called alcoholism, but he can do something about it. I don't think your wife can. Is marriage about sex only? No it isn't is it? What would you think or do if your wife went out of marriage to pleasure herself with another man because you were ill? You think she should just understand your needs and let it go....Sounds like it. I'll say it again have you no heart? JACK OFF IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING. MUST YOU FEEL THE LOVE OF AN OTHERS BODY CLOSE TO YOURS. No wonder 2/3 of all divorces are filed by wife's, it's easier to get sex when your married unless you'd like a disease. <br />
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Your wife is sick man, have you no heart? Go get brainwashed by someone to get your sex drive down. It can be done.

Thats the saddest thing ive heard for ages. For both of you. And as for the crack someone made about "sickness and in health" ignore such cruel remarks.<br />
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I'd like to be able to have a suggestion but i dont...all i can give you is my sympathy

I am not sure if the vows of marriage can always be taken to a literal point of view, as they are said by us as we stand hand in hand and heart to heart at the alter of our new life together. In sickness and in health means quite a bit, but the vow did not say in sickness and in sickness, and his discription of this has been just that way. I say this to make a simple point not to insist upon a great debate over the ethical concept of the marriage vow. There are points that even in sickness and in health will not shed appropriate light on. If he has been rendered to nothing more than a care takers role in his relationship and his spouse through no fault of her own can not meet those needs then who are we to blame the vitim, and then really who is the victim? Does his needs for intimacy and wants physcial attention shut off like a faucet because she is ill? I really don't think so. So instead of blaming him for his reaction as stated above by TMN he needs just a little bit of empathy from the group that lives in a sexless marriage, because we are his voice and sounding board. We have all come here for the same reasons and we are all missing sex in our lives. Each of us brings a very unique group of circumstances to the problem, but we all share a very common ground here. We want something our spouses either refuse to provide or can't provide. Understanding that does not provide closure or acceptance of that it just means that something still needs to be done.<BR><BR>Have you talked to her about your needs, I bet she is a very realistic women and knows that her limitations put a great deal of stress on you to maintain your part of the bargain. Maybe she is able to provide on a good day things that can assist you to feel that closeness, even if it is just laying next to you and rubbing her hands over your body, or touching you, or whatever she feels she can do then and there. Then as she has better days, maybe more. Maybe you can provide her with clues to help and discuss this with her. She might agree to an outside situation, but you have to let her know that a part of marriage is sexual intimacy and without it you do not feel connected to her at all. <BR><BR>I am so sorry for you, my wife has some health issues both mental and physical that have played a part maybe a small one but one none-the-less in her refusal of sex. Still my needs and wants and desires for her have not gone away, I did not wake up a nonsexaul being the day she decided to stop making love to me. I could not find the switch to shut off the feelings or desires. They just won't go away. I hope you can find resolution not hurt both in this group and with your wife!

That is really sad. 'In sickness and in health', doesn't mean anything to you I guess.

What kind of relief are you referring to?

I posted a story in "I paid for sex" - It might give you food for thought. Good Luck