Recovering Former Sexless Couple

365 Days of Intimacy

As many of you know, my marriage is recovering from being totally sexless for three years and an affair that resulted from that. The past year has definitely been a long journey in trying to reconnect as a couple and regaining the trust that was lost. Hormone replacement therapy for my husband was only a small step in this process. Once his hormone levels were equal to that of an 18 year old, we had to basically start from scratch in the intimacy department. I had to feel connected to him once again, feel love and desire for him. If you would have asked me a year ago if this was possible, I would have had my doubts. It was almost as if we had to court all over again. Small things like hugs, holding hands, and kissing were re-introduced. Once I became comfortable, sex was brought back into the picture. I had great hopes that when we finally made love again, it would be spectacular. The fireworks would go off and we would be magically a couple again. It did not work that way. We still were very incompatible sexually as far as likes and dislikes, matching of stamina, and expectations. Slowly and gradually, we started talking about these things. Once we started voicing our opinions and suggestions, the sparks started to fly! My husband's latest suggestion was something he had heard about on talk radio and read about recently. It was called 365 days of Intimacy. It is basically a plan for married couples to reconnect by agreeing to do one act of intimacy with each other on a daily basis. No excuses! It could be from a lengthy make out session, to oral sex or intercourse. The basic idea is to make intimacy part of every day regardless of everything life throws at us. Whether we are exhausted, sick, depressed, or just plain not in the mood! After many talks about this subject, I finally agreed to try it. I was still not feeling completely satisfied with our sex life and figured I had nothing to lose.

I am happy to report that even though I was hesitant on trying this experiment, it has made quite a difference. We started two weeks ago and have missed maybe a couple of days because the flu took over our household and made intimacy very difficult. There have also been days where we only had oral sex but for the most part we are as sexually active as a bunch of teenagers. I have learned many things about my spouse that I never knew and also learned a lot about myself. I have let some of my inhibitions gradually fade and have tried things I never thought I would like and ended up loving them! I noticed our moods are way better and we steal glances across the dinner table, in anticipation of what we were going to do to each other later. I'm not saying that sex every single day is realistic. It actually is a very difficult thing to do. I have found that there have been days when I was sore and exhausted but sex actually made things feel better. I have also found that sleep comes more naturally when you deplete all the energy left in your body before going to bed. I am hopeful that this is just the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. I will keep you all posted on how it progresses. Wish me luck and a strong heart...I'm going to need it!

emptyheart emptyheart
41-45, F
11 Responses Mar 11, 2009

You said it all with this:<br />
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"We still were very incompatible sexually as far as likes and dislikes, matching of stamina, and expectations. Slowly and gradually, we started talking about these things. Once we started voicing our opinions and suggestions, the sparks started to fly!"<br />
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You have to connect on that mental level, that's where attraction really starts. Congrats on your successes, keep moving forward.

I have heard excellent things about that book. Glad to "know" someone personally for whom it worked.

EH: In my marriage the intimacy was never there. I just don't know how you can "get back" what you never had.<br />
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I really am so very happy for you. It will bring hope to many on this site.

I am so proud of both of you.

Thank you for an uplifting story! I think positivity really counts.

Touchmenot, <br />
You can't rush intimacy. My husband tried to take me out of town for a romantic getaway when I was not ready. It was disastrous! We ended up arguing and I cried the entire time! It takes a very long time, a lot of partience, and both partners wanting to make it work. Take baby steps and see if you can get back what you used to have.<br />
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kungfuchik,<br />
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We had an okay sex life but it dwindled slowly as his performance anxiety grew worse and his hormone level dropped. The sex eventually disappeared completely and the kisses, hugs, holding hands eventually followed not too far after. We are actually more intimate now that we ever were. I never thought he would be able to satisfy me but I was so wrong. It is worth at least trying.

Wow EH, what a great story. Question: Did you guys have an active sex life at one time? Were you intimate in the beginning and it just stopped? Or was your marriage pretty much devoid of intimacy from day 1, like mine?<br />
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I often think about going back to try with my husband, but I just feel like he will never be able to give me what I need. It's miserable being stuck.

That sounds like a wonderful way to reconnect over time. Starting slow and then building up to bigger and better things over time. Not allowing the barriers to get in the way and maybe even stripping them away as it sounds like the two of you are working on doing. Hope it gets better and better for you both, keep us posted.

Interesting story. I cringed at the thought of 365 days intimacy but then I look at my husband and think I could at least try for him. I think contact with him is enough for now and working up to more day by day and them maybe 365 days of intimacy may be possible.

Wow! Congratulations emptyheart! I'm so jealous...<br />
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If only my wife felt our emotionless sex-life was enough of a problem to work on it...

Congratulations. It is good to hear a success story on here. I hope this continues to work out for you. It gives the rest of us something to think about.