In Turmoil

I've been sexless for over 20 years.  OMG just writing that is frightening.  My husband can only get himself off, manually.  I haven't heard of anyone else with that issue.  At first he was at least oral, but we haven't even had a hug or more than a peck on the cheek in over 10 years.  My two children were conceived, lets just say akwardly.

We've been seeing a marriage counselor for the last 8 months.  At the time I was fed up and considering going looking for physical relief, I couldn't stand the idea of going the rest of my life without sex.  I never went through with it, and he seemed to sense what I was up to so he finally agreed to go to a marriage counselor.

We subsequently discovered he has ADD, and so likely does my son.  I think that adds to a lot of the stress in the house.  We argue constantly.  It's not a healthy environment for the kids.

Last week Thurs we had a particularly bad morning and it was the proverbial last straw.  I hated the person I had become, angry and bitter.  I saw the counselor that afternoon and the next day I asked him for a trial seperation.  I just couldn't take it any more.  I told him I needed a vacation from the fighting.  So on Monday he moved out.  It wasn't that easy or smooth, I posted on the need to decide if I'm staying in this marriage board, but he's out of the house for three days and then I will be.  We'll take turns.

It's been nice.  Peaceful.

But I'm wondering, is there any hope?  I didn't go into the seperation thinking it would lead to divorce.  And he certainly is thinking that this is going to just give us time to regroup and reconnect.  But I'm starting to think that we are just incompatible.  I mean, I am sexual and he is not.

He'd never had a girlfriend, let alone a sexual partner before he hooked up with me.  And I was sexually active.  I had serious reservations before marrying him, but he was a nice enough guy and we'd been together a long time, my clock was ticking and I thougth he'd be a good father.  And he is for the most part.  I just don't love him.  I don't want to have sex with him, even if he could get his parts to start working.

Right now I'm not angry, I'm depressed, but I've been mad at him for so long.  For not caring about my needs enough to do anything about his problem.  And the anger has just built up over the years.

It's funny KFC sid something the other day that was just an aha moment for me.  That he never did anything because he didn't have a problem with the way his life was.  He was getting his needs met.  I'd taken it all so personally for so long, but it never was about me.

I just dont' what is going to happen.  I want what is best for my kids.  For so long I thought that was a two parent household.  Now I'm not so sure.  No matter what they would have two parents that love them.  And so I lose my beautiful house.  I can't buy him out and make the payments by myself. 

I guess I just take this a day at a time.  At least they are calmer days.  I start my time out of the house tomorrow.  I'm not looking forward to that.

Is there a chance that we can make this work?

notgettingany notgettingany
46-50, F
8 Responses Mar 11, 2009

Can you explain what you mean by " My husband can only get himself off, manually. " ? <br />
<br />
Do you mean he can only *** after ******* off manually? <br />
or <br />
Do you mean he can never even start getting a hard on without ******* manually?

NotGettingAny,<br />
<br />
Your story really struck a cord in me .. it is what I fear, waiting and contemplating and considering and at then realizing I made the compromise of a lifetime -- being with a known, good person in lieu of finding a passionate life (in whatever manner it is created, through work, hobbies, friends, land and, ideally, an awesome partner). I fear waiting 20 or 30 or more years and then realizing "aha, I should have done this along time ago". I fear leaving, too, my life is good in many ways and we have a young child together. <br />
<br />
I am also one to rely on hope, but at some point we need to get beyond it and make the tough choices and move forward in spite of fear. Still it is hard, hard, hard, especially when there is no friction and no pressure to change things (no external pressure I mean). I’m not one to judge as I am sitting here at home on the pc, while my husband is down the hall reading a goodnight story to my daughter!<br />
<br />
Can you make it work? Define what "making it work is" ... a mutually fulfilling, providing intimacy, affection, companionship, conversation, fun, and emotional caring? You probably already know the answer to that after 20 years married and 8 months of counseling. <br />
<br />
You have taken one huge step, kudos to you! <br />
<br />
Good luck!!

I feel for you. Nine years and counting... I hope I never get to 20!

This is so very sad to hear of women living without love and intimacy in a sexless environment through no fault of their own.. I have endured this myself for many, many years as well but speaking as a man in this comparable situation it was far easier for me to seek out what was lacking outside of the marriage. It seems not to be an easy option for you . In that you have my most sincere sympathies<br />
<br />
I know how disdain for a spouse can come about and how this complicates the relationship even further. <br />
<br />
You are trying separation as a cure but I think it it will unfortunately be only a stop gap solution. I fear that your relationship is far too gone to even make the compromises necessary for it to remain viable in any sense of the word.<br />
<br />
As KFC so aptly said your material possessions , house and such are nothing and should be sacrificed gladly for grabbing a chance at true happiness. <br />
<br />
There is a big world out there full of decent men that would find it easy to give you the love and intimacy that you desire and should have.<br />
<br />
I wish you luck in this matter and hope that you will realize that the situation you have described to us here is a no win for you and it is time to go on to a better life.

I too have had a sexless marriage for 16 years,we have had many discussions and disagreements about it,he has moved out this past week after my 15yr old daughter accidently found hard core **** on one of her movies he had taped over and forgot to hide.He admitted he has been addicted for years.He has decieved me for so many years about so many things,this **** thing was just the last straw for me.Now I see why he has never wanted me-he was always too tired from jacking off with his fantasies.He says he loves me and wants to come back but so many things have been so wrong it seems hopeless.I cry everyday for what I thought we had and tried to believe in him and for what-nothing!I miss him but I am so hurt and angry I can't stand to even speak to him.I feel so rejected for so long.

It is very hard when you feel love goes out the window. I am in the same situation. Love wise. Not sex wise. He wants it but I don't love him enough to kiss him....sorry back to you...Life is about making the most of. If you are not happy move on. ...Can say to you, but have not done myself. There is no day at a time. But if your sad and depressed, do move on

20 years! I find it unbelievable that I have lived 5 years in a sexless marriage. Yes, I have resentments that my needs are ignored or considered of no account. I feel anger at times. Lately he has been more caring (although not physical) so that has given me some hope for the future. However at times I face periods of despair & depression because I so much want love & sex! Realistically I know that some day I may just call it quits and move on.

I hate telling you or anyone there is no hope. I suppose there is always hope, but not without a ton of work and sacrifice. <br />
<br />
My situation is similar in that my marriage from the beginning was pretty much sexless. I stayed because I had hope. <br />
<br />
I don't know how old you are, but if you have young kids you can't be old. Your life is not over yet. As for your beautiful house, it's just that. It's a material item. Anyone can have a house, but not everyone can make a home. <br />
<br />
Wishing you some peace and clarity over your separate time. It's important to really dig down deep. God b/w/u.