I Live In a Sexless Marriage

I have lived in a sexless marriage for around 11 years now, its not always been sexless, at first things were ok although my drive is much higher than that of my wife. As the years rolled by she piled on weight, over worked, changed dramatically from a nice person to (as far as interaction with me is concerned) a corporate bore with attitude.

I love sex (I could even be an addict?), please excuse me if it seems that I am trying to brag (I’m not, for the first time I’m opening right up here), but I'm told I'm good at it and fun to be in bed with, I'm slim, clean, healthy, fit, successful, I'm told that I am good looking and younger looking than I actually am and I am over the national average size when it comes to equipment. So what’s the problem?

As the years have passed I feel more and more embittered about the sexless situation (not to mention the feeling that I’m going to explode with all this wasted love and sex pent up inside me!). On the odd occasion that she has twigged that I miss sex, she will lay on her back and suggest that I “Whack it in and get it over with” she really isn’t interested in it and I find that sexual scenario very unfulfilling.

I am more and more certain that although I haven’t yet, the only way for me is to look for sex/love elsewhere. If this happened it would open up my world and make me feel much happier, but, if my wife found out she would be hurt, which I don’t want. Nor do I want us to loose lots to the vultures and housing market by going through a divorce in these poor financial times and selling up at a very great loss and then having to financially start again (hopefully with someone new). I have a lot of love (and sex!) to give but now feel that things have gone too far onto the rocks with my wife and that there is no way back to a monogamous married relationship.

Can anyone tell me if and how they have dealt with a situation like this?


withoutit withoutit
36-40, M
9 Responses Mar 12, 2009

I to am in the same boat! I don't think cheating is a good idea. It does not fix the problem.

All this is so sad, and my heart goes out to you. I have read so many stories on this site of how married men and women are deprived of love and affection by their spouses and I feel somehow connected to you all. I understand because I'm dealing with it myself. I got so fed up with my situation a couple of weeks ago that I just left. I could not stand to be in his presence any longer. The thought of living the rest of my life with a man that cared so little about me that he would totally disregard my physical and emotional well-being was too overwhelming.

I'm curious what her take on the situation would be. Have you tried all the cliches? Cleaning the house and taking care of her other needs, maybe a massage, before trying to initiate sex? If so and she really is just not interested then I'd try counseling first. Open up the lines of communication. <br />
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I don't know about you, but the guilt would be an issue for me with an affair and I'd like to think that I had tried everything to get through to my spouse before I started down that path. There are pitfalls along that path I'm afraid. <br />
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Good luck.

i'm finding it interesting when i hear so often (and do myself) say things like "I don't want to hurt him/her" but we hurt every day and that seems to be ok with our partners. I mean WTF?

I can only share my experiences with others. Certainly not here to judge or advise. Cheating complicates matters more so than they already are. The best thing to do is to walk away from the marriage, see if there is any chance of salvaging it and then if not, move on. If you can find someone to sleep with while married, believe me they will still be there when you are not.<br />
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KOP: You may think of yourself as a coward, but you are not. You are human. It's very scary to think that your relationship, the one you have known for ___ years is coming to an end. No one wants their relationships to end. You don't go in saying, well it's only temporary. In addition, you build a "life" together. Yes, the house, the kids, the bank accounts. <br />
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But one thing I have come to realize is that each and every one of our relationships have a purpose in our lives. If you can reconcile it that way, you will make some peace with it. Your wife has served her purpose in your life, if you can find that purpose, you will feel a freedom and a strength that will allow you to look beyond the pain of ending the relationship and more toward a future of happiness. <br />
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Best to all<br />

Brother, I feel you pain. As the sexual tension builds, so does the bitterness. And as for occassionally being allowed to use her body for what amounts to ************, I live that life too.<br />
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I wish I had the answers. I too am considering going outside of marriage to find the passion I so desparately need, but that is a can of worms I'm afraid to open...

Todays economy and the many challenges that we face as couples are just overwhelming. Many of us are faced with being stuck not just because we are miserable in the marriage but economically we are also not able to move out. I was watching the Today show a week ago today actually, and they were talking about how many couples are doing what is staying together in the same home and calling it a divorce. The marriage has been disolved but because of economic difficulties they stay in the same home and continue to pay bills and etc until the time comes that one will move out. It is sort of a worked out arrangement between the two and a time line is set for them to move out. It seemed like a weird concept to me, but hey we in this group are living like this anyway. The intimacy and feelings have gone away, and we are ready to move on, but for many reasons: our kids and parenting, money and living arrangements, and whatever else we stay. My state laws would not allow that, because you have to maintain separate living arrangements legally prior to be able to file for a divorce. So it is not something that I could do, although on a not so legal note I do it anyway. We all know that the decision to cheat is a risky one for all concerns. Not to mention loosing everything if we get caught and our spouse files for divorce as a result of it. I also have my emotional and ethical delimmas about affairs, but when I continue to live the way I do day after day, with what seems like no end in sight, have those times of weakness when I say, I could do that. I guess for me in some ways, I have reached a point where what I or better said we have gained financailly and in what little bit of real property we have is not as important as my sanity. I have sacraficed so much to do what I have done all these years, and so what about what we have, my sanity and life is worth far more than the balance sheet when all is said and done. It is my emotional investment that I have more difficulty dealing with than the financial. I still can't rationalize the opening of that door. Somedays even a crack of it send me fleeting back into my little corner cowering because I am just not sure what to do. I do love her, do be honest that kind of makes me sick right now. It is a bad place to be in and I wish you the best in working and sorting through this.

Sorry to hear of your story. Its a shame that we end up feeling that we need to look outside of marriage to be fullfilled sexually.<br />
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Unlike your first husband, whilst I would like sex often, I have found with girlfriends before marriage that I am not a nightmare that goes on and on and on once we were in bed and am usually quite happy and content at about the same time as my partner. Some make me work a bit longer than I would, and sometimes its the other way round. I guess I like a reasonable amount quite often.<br />
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I am past the point of no return, it has become a situation where I no longer want to bother her.<br />
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I hope things work ok for you if you do seek your divorce.<br />
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I am new to the Experience Project, is it world wide or just in the UK?

I feel your frustration...........While I don't have answers, I will share with you, this almost sounds like my first marriage. My ex wanted sex almost all the time, and the more he wanted it, the more I didn't want it. And when we had sex; he was never satisfied.....so I think made me feel even worse; like why bother ? Obviously didn't work out, I can only say we were VERY young. now I have almost opposite...although at first neither one of us was interested, my labido has returned after losing 25-30lbs, feel better about myself, want to enjoy, ect. ect. I may soon go outside of marriage, but am going to ask for divorce..same situation with that financially. I pay most of bills, so he may not want to leave....if I leave, will lose anything tangible;although no equity in house anymore! Talk to your wife I guess if you could, look at pro's and cons. Good luck .