Resentment Is Destroying My Marriage

Literally since the day we were married (she was too tired on our wedding night) I've been concerned about different levels of sexual desire between my wife and me.  I think we made love 4-5 times on a three week honeymoon and fell into a once a month pattern after that.  Never in our 15 years have we made love twice in one day, let alone in a row.  When our kids came along, we went through extended periods or no lovemaking.  The worst was after our 4th was born - twice in two and a half years.

I've always felt like I was duped.  We didn't make love until we were married, but she always seemed like she was interested.  Once we were married, there were always excuses.  She's never once initiated and there are always rules.  No touching always in the dark, no nudity (she says shes embarrassed by her body). Over the years, I've grown more and more resentful.  We seldom kiss or hug.  I've kind of given up.  Over the  year, I have been having ED issues.  Now we've been about  3-4 months without.  I'm getting more and more bitter and our  busy life with kids keep us apart a lot.  We seldom spend quiet time together.  We do a lot of couples stuff.  I've kind of given up.  I have to admit, I've not tried a lot of counselling or big threats, but have dropped a lot of hints.  I've spoken to her a number of times about it (when we get away from kids) and she usually says that "we don't get alone very often so let's not talk about negative things."  I prefer being alone now more than being with her and have taken to drinking alone as well.  I am getting worried that I'm liking booze too much.   I feel stuck.  Divorce is not a good option for any of us, but neither is continuing the way we are going.  When she does reach out to touch me or give me a hug, I shrink away.  I feel like she's lying to me.  She says she does not initiate sex because she doesn't want to pressure me.  This REALLY sucks!  I'm not a forum guy, but writing this down does feel good.  


growingoldandbitter growingoldandbitter
46-50, M
8 Responses Mar 12, 2009

You have pretty much hit the nail on the head for my life as well. It wasn't just the wedding night for us, it was 3 weeks after the wedding. We were married for a year and a half when I realized we had only made love 6 times since our wedding. I was ready to pull the pin when she told me we were expecting our first child. I stayed in the relationship, hoping and praying things would improve, but it was not to happen. Now, after 18 years of marriage and two children, we make love maybe 6 times a year. I hear the same excuses that you do, and it's frustrating.<br />
<br />
Whenever I try to talk with her about it, she always has an excuse or she immediately gets mad and leaves the room. I once went 18 months without being able to touch my wife, sexually. I have bought her gifts, vacations together, I have tried being the most romantic guy in the world, all to no avail.<br />
<br />
I know where your coming from, and I sincerely wish you the best.

I feel for you - I know exactly where you are coming from.<br />
My husband is the same - I am trying to work something out, but I feel i am always being rejected. (I am the one seeing the therapist - it's ALL MY PROBLEM!!!)<br />
Will see what happens!!<br />
Hope you guys can work it out.

I think the perfect step in the right direction. I am sure with genuine intentions and effort, you will succeed. We just need to see what will success mean and what price needs to paid for it.<br />
Keep us posted and best of luck.

I dunno. I'm not sure what the issue is, but it is really up to me to get her to commuicate with me about it. I'm a Catholic and i've been looking in to something called Marriage Encounter. It is a weekend designed to get the couple alone together and provide environment and tools to communicate with eachother (privately) without all the normal distractions of life. It gets great feedback and I'm going to give this a shot. One way or the other, we need to talk about this. I know we're both committed to our marriage, eachother and the kids so we should both be motivated to reenergize our relationship sexual and otherwise.

Have you ruled out a medical possibility for her not wanting to have sex? I mean like hormonal, thyroid kinda thing. They do effect a lot.<br />
<br />
If that is ruled out, then as in my case, I strongly believe this is just a symptom and the problem lies elsewhere. What do you think?

Great, but what can we do about it?

Yup to both of you gents. To me, it's like going to a store that never has what you ask for. Eventually you give up asking, and go shopping elsewhere. In 10 years as a remote support analyst, I worked from home 3-4 days a week. Always asked for a daytime time-for-us, got back "No, but maybe tomorrow.". <br />
"Tomorrow" turned out to be twice in 10 years.<br />
Tried flowers, nights out without son around, jewelery...nothing. Feel like I was sold a line of crap, with it being way too expensive to get out/start over, being in my later 50's.<br />
"Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt".

I was about to start writing my story when I saw yours. And geez....all these posts together, I do not need to write feels like my stories...<br />
<br />
But I guess writing is the first step to acknowledging I guess. I think as much as people call gay people coming out as coming out of the closet, I think any circumstance/issue/pain that you live with in hiding, would feel the same as coming out of closet when you start confiding.<br />
<br />
I know exactly how you feel, I am there too. I do not want to respond to her touches, because the last few times, it ends up in me satisfying her by mastrubating and then she rolls about role reversal.