Going Without

I have been married for about 3 years now and the first year was great sexually. He and I have been off and on with sex for a while now and it seems to be getting worse. He tells me that he is just not interested and that some of it has to do with me. I have been married twice before and did not have this problem with sex. I feel like I have to beg him for it, and then when it does happen it is a disapointment. I am terribly frustrated.

It is not only the sex that is a problem, but the lack of affection all together. I am lonely and he is right there. Every time I look at him I can't bare the thought of being with out him, but he is not giving me what I need.

I am doing everything.  I am dieting, going to the gym, trying to do all the things that I know he likes just so that he will pay some attention to me and all I get is nothing.

I used to get the excuse that he was too tired from work, but now he is not working, and the excuse is that he is depressed that he is not working. He seems to be in constant crisis and I am the one paying the price for it.

I am thinking of leaving him, but do not know if i can do it.

dhschiccadee77 dhschiccadee77
31-35, F
4 Responses Mar 12, 2009

Sex has been tapering off in my marriage (second) of 10 years for the last two years. My wife is older, 65, and I'm 58. She does not feel attractive, no matter what I tell her. She is beautiful and desirable to me. I have explained my emotional and physical needs so many times that I have finally lost energy for it. She just doesn't seem to need much more than hugging. I found a woman, married, unsatisfied, but not interested in leaving her husband, who lives 90 miles from me. We meet several times per month for play. It is not a true love relationship, but I LIKE, and respect her, and...she is a fabulous lover. We thoroughly enjoy our time together. I do sometimes feel guilty, frustrated by my situation at home, but the idea of living out my life without a physical relationship is unbearable.

Yup, and there in lies the issue. Sex (unless medical) is but only a symptom of issues/problems lying beneath. <br />
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I think sex is either enjoyed, when there is no expectation or attachment to the other, or when two people are in harmony. <br />
<br />
Eliminating the first, there are deeper issues. I have been unable to break out, so cannot say that it is easy, but I believe deeper introspection will show more issues. <br />
Like when you have a problem, do you get a sympathetic ear or true support. When decisions have to be taken, do have a word or a say in them. When you are upset do you see acknowledgement or concern.<br />
<br />
Writing to you makes me think more about myself and getting clearer on my answers. Thank you.

Thank you for your comment. Things never seem to get resolved with him and I and from expericane I know they never will, but my heart takes over most of the time.<br />
I have made him aware of the problem and what I am going thru because of it, but all I hear when I bring this up is, "if we were having sex 24 hours a day I would still complain" he does not seem to understand that it is not only the sex that I am looking for.

Dear dhs,<br />
Feel for you. More so because if you are trying as hard as you are saying and still do not even know what to do to smoothen the relationship, it can really hurt.<br />
<br />
In some respect I have gone through the same. My biggest mistake, I thought having a kid will make it better. Becuase for the longest time, her emotional instability was because she is unable to have a kid. And I kept telling her that the prereq is to have sex. Let us concentrate on that. But no avail.<br />
At last we had our kid with treatment, for no reason. My ***** count was fine, her egg count was fine. BUt who cares if was to solve the problem. But no, she find her own reasons to worry and get upset. <br />
I am stuck, but be careful. I strongly belive a high disbalance of emotional strength in a relationship is hard to sustain. What I mean is if in every situation one of the spouses has to be the sane person, keeping the cool and calm and acting mature, it cannot last.<br />
Prb said more than I shud....<br />
Take care.