So Here Goes My Ramblings...

I am 37 and I live in a sexless marriage. The woman I am with is the only one I have been with, ever, and we have been together for 11 years.

It all started on the internet. We met, chatted and talked for hours before we met. We also had sex chat for the longest time. Then we decided to meet. We had pre planned what we will do for the first night we met, upto the details. Mind you I was 26 at that time(and yes I was still a virgin).

We met, and I think I was a little put off, cause she was bigger than what I thought or what the pics showed, but I am not one who judges on the size of a person. We adored each other and we were going to be one. It looked like it was going to go great, till we got into bed. She wanted me to go down on her, which I was looking forward to, till I did and it did stink. But I obliged, cause the deal was she would receiprocate.

But I was left in the lurch, to get mine up myself and perform. And guess what, I could not. My first time with a female and I could not do it. That shattered my image of myself. I blamed myself for it, and we kept trying (once a month when we used to meet).

All this while, I guess because I did feel I was to be blamed, I felt like she was doing me a favor by being with me and so I made sure she never leaves me. But we just never were able to have sex. I did not feel she was doind anything to ease me, except say its ok, dont worry after I could not do it.

Why was I unable, on introspection I feel because her idea of foreplay was that I play with her and then we just get to intercourse. She would not even touch me down there. It did make me feel bad and I think with these emotions it was tough for me to rise to the ocassion.

But at that time, I was obsessed over blaming me and making it up to her as I thought she was the victim. I started seeing doctors, who found nothing wrong. Then I got to know of the Boston Medical Group, which gave injections, that you self inject right there and then you cannot not be ready. I did it for few months, but I realized that yes, I am able to perform, but the fun, the satisfaction, the intimacy was not there. It was an act.

Thanks to those injections though, I overcame my ED problem. It was in my head and the injections made me get over it. But I guess the damage was done. Our ritual of love making is that I play with her and then do it and roll over. That is not my idea of love making. So it started to dwindle. From once a month to once a quarter.

As of today it stands at once in six months. Actually now I am not interested, cause, the last few times, all she has gotten me do is to pleasure her and then she rolls over. No concern for me at all. It increases my frustration level a lot.

I am sure something I did do wrong in all this, but am unable to see or rectify it. Does anyone else see it? For the record, I am not considering going out of the marriage as I have a 3 1/2 year old and cannot even imagine ruining her life.

Feels good sharing it with like people.

onemoresexlessguy1 onemoresexlessguy1
36-40
6 Responses Mar 12, 2009

Oh sweetie! You were perhaps fooled from the beginning , by the way you say you were disappointed with her looks?and the fact that she wasn't what you expected? You say you don't like to judge~but judge you did~and in that instant your mind was set~oh no!she's fat!?? I understand how quickly resentment sets in when we are fooled by someone we thought we could trust~did you trust her enough to tell her what you really wanted before you met?It sounds to me like you two didn't really communicate that well before you both rushed into a meeting. And you were not at all prepared for your first sexual encounter;too much too soon; again , a lack of communication for fear of disappointing her(perhaps this went both ways?). And now here you are, at the realisation point.sweetie, my heart goes out to you, it really does, I hope I've helped you a little , and I wish you all the best of luck. sassy

My observations are that you probably had some performance anxiety those first few months, but you worked through it, good for you. I think that you both were a bit naive going into the whole situation. You need to have a frank discussion with your wife. How about experimenting? Trying new things? Would she be up for that?

Wow, what a sad situation... I would suggest couples therapy... I really think you both need help.

Thanks. I will look into the book right away. I would love to introspect and get to the bottom of it, cause I am sure as much as my wife has a part to play in this, if I dont know what is wrong, I might land up in a repeat performance even If I do start over with someone else.<br />
<br />
Thanks for the support.

Hmm....I did not realize that my story was coming out so negative on my wife and cutting a sorry figure of me...I guess when you write your feelings and let other people read it, you get to see the truth.<br />
There lies the problem, that my intention was to really understand if there is a way to turn it around, cause I never feel sorry for myself. I take responsbility for my choices in life, I strongly believe I get what I choose. <br />
At this moment I choose to continue for one reason alone, my daughter. But it is MY choice. I can leave if I want to, but that would hurt me more.<br />
<br />
Michelle, I totally see and feel what you mean. I always thought of women to be the soft, warm, kind hearted, loving, caring person who <br />
when is ahead of you, you feel proud of, <br />
when is beside you, you can depend on,<br />
when is behind you, you can scale the mountains.<br />
Truly that is the picture I had in mind before I got married. But I dont even know when and where in life, everything got lost. Even as I write, I can see my wife is the most social, warm hearted, caring person, when it comes to others. When it comes to us, it all about her troubles and her deprivation.<br />
I still wish there is a way to save the marriage...and if I get some pleasures in the way that would be lovely.

Kind of selfish to roll over and go to sleep after you get her off. Sorry but I think the time has come for you to say to her, honey how about something different lets do me first. As much as I hate the idea of having to go down on my husband I have to deal with the fact that he may need that if I want him to do the things I like. Sorry if I'm being a bit bold with you but it seems that you are all about pleasing her and putting yourself second on the list. Sometimes she has to realize your needs are important too.