MY Desire to Feel Love Want to Touch & Be Touched & Feel My Passion Come Alive

It's late, I'm tired, and I'm worn down from the popping of my emotions.  Husband dearest must secretly hate me, like the priest told me he did, because I feel it through the heart tonight

I set myself up today to be shot down.  I was aware that I was crossing the line by hoping he would accept my body being close to his. My husband was sitting on a chair in the screen room -- we were talking and I started to stand closer to him and he looked up at me, what I took to be lovingly, and I began to lower my crotch over his crotch and he pulled back and I got up and left. His sex alarm wasn't set.  He says we are far apart on different ends of the sexual polars.  Being the truth and wanting that emotional tie, I am going to have to leave.  This marriage has turned into a farce.  Love?  If this is Love, then I'll live without it. 

I can maintain my emotions with him when he becomes sarcastic and verbally abusive and controlling. I crossed that line into sexual territory, the curtain was drawn... He has said I want too much ... I guess at 60, I should dust off the rocker and prepare to die??  He has zero ambition and doesn't like to converse during the day,,,, unless we go out together ... WalMart, Shopping, Eating Out ... Doctor Visits, we do that very well together, in spite of the occasion outbursts when we clash in public.

I have to fully accept him as he is and not expect him to act in any other way because I have a need to be held and loved and enjoyed more than he wants to bother with me. I don't know where this will lead but I have Faith that God is with me on my journey ever since I spoke to Father.  I feel it in my heart and soul.  It still pains me to think of the long marriage, our house and beautiful acreage and our dreams for a future that didn't materialize ... maybe it did ... we have been blessed with a beautiful area to live, decent health, beautiful grandchildren, financial security and what more do I want is the question ... to be loved and to feel love and not feel rejected or discarded.  I feel trapped not being able to express my emotions or sensuality -- I have to build up my stamina before my stress test in July... so that will keep me focused and take care of myself.  Stress won't do it any good and staying can be stressful.  Going will be stressful too but maybe in a good way I think.  I would like to see my friend openly, even though he told me he doesn't want me to leave my husband and my home...he said he was an old man and couldn't offer me sex.  Whether or not that is an issue, I really don't know because we were not intimate when I first saw him, even though he said I aroused him when we hugged goodbye.  My therapist said he was ambivalent... can't blame him because of our history. But I would love to be free to explore my friendship and enjoy his company, openly.  But I need to leave for me, not to be with someone else, although it is a nice thought.  Keeping everything in perspective emotionally is most difficult.  These are bad financial times and people tend not to change ships during these economic hardships... Prices don't come down when we purchase and when we sell, things go for less than they are worth.  Finances are also a huge consideration .. nobody wants to lose their stability.

Thank you for being here on EP.  Someone here said that EP is like free therapy.  We all strive to understand and console EP'ers.  We empathize and we connect with real people with real feelings.  My father told me when I was little that it was better to feel and be hurt than have no feelings at all. 



reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
15 Responses Mar 13, 2009

Thank you for your suggestions and comments.<br />
I have spent the weekends from Friday to Sunday at my daughter's house for awhile now and that has helped me feel better.<br />
And I am planning a trip to Arizona to see my Mom in April for about 3 weeks and think that will be good for my soul<br />
After that I hope we can stay on the course of living separately. I worry about the finances, but have come to realize that my husband represents my security while my heart is missing intimacy, which i just don't have here AT ALL.<br />

You are prob right AA, I wasn't thinking with my legal mind! lol!<br />
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What about just a nice long vacation somewhere without him?

It depends what state you live in AA and if you leave and have a separation agreement in place, it's fine.<br />
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Dear R3: I lived this way for 12 years. I don't know how you lasted as long as you did. You get the medal of sainthood and honor.<br />
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Nothing is worse than being a relationship and feeling alone.<br />
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What can I say, you have all of us at your back. If you need anything, reach out.<br />
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Love and Hugs,<br />

My only warning about just leaving for a bit - and I may be wrong, I haven't researched it (yet), but they may give your husband the upper hand in any divorce proceedings - you leaving (abandoning).<br />
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If I am wrong - someone correct me!

You know I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine what my fragile ego would do if my husband rejected me, which is why I avoid even trying. <br />
I give you a ton of credit for at least trying because you now know how it is with him and how it will probably always be if you stay.<br />
I have no idea what my husband is ever thinking, it's been about 3 yrs since we've even slept in the same bed let alone be intimate.<br />
I have a bad habit of building a stone wall around my heart when someone hurts me deeply, I guess it's the only way I can survive it emotionally. <br />
It doesn't happen overnight, but after years of feeling like someone doesn't really care about you through their words and actions, and refuses to even discuss why, it's easier to just not care. That's the place I am now in my marriage.<br />
He makes sexual innuendos but if I react, he backs off. <br />
Doesn't help that he is the most unromantic guy, his idea of foreplay is spanking me!! He thinks it's funny and I just laugh along...ha funny I want to slit my wrists at times.<br />
We also have a beautiful place to live & rely on each other's incomes to maintain it, so leaving is going to be very difficult, I understand your position perfectly.<br />
And he has been in one of his "nice guy" moods for the last few days, where he "puts up" with me...just like AnalyticalAly said, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop any time. I never know what I may say or do that will make him explode, so I just try to be as good a little girl as I can be....but it is absolutely killing me inside. <br />
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Honestly tho, if I were in your position and didn't have so many responsibilities here(with my horses & dogs), I would leave for a while, just to get away from the situation. You don't have to file for a divorce right away, but it might give him the idea that he will lose you forever if he continues acting like he does with you. <br />
Have you told him you are thinking of leaving?? <br />
xoxo<br />

After 7 years I would love 2 just B happy 2 have someone 2 HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I truly wish that I was able to meet and get together with someone like you so that we could mutually help each other regain the lost intimacy that we so crave. Is it wrong to feel this way and want a woman who wants the same things in life as you do to be with you even if only for short visits?

I agree !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been told by some EP friends that it is NEVER too late to have a better life! TB - I hope you find happiness whereever it may be for you!

I know exactly how you feel. I have an identicle marriage, but I think it is far too late for me to concider leaving. I have thought and actually actively looked for an affair but so far have not done so. I don't know how much longer I can go and not find the welcoming arms of another woman.

I am in the same boat . Good luck 2 U !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ex<x>pressions - I love that quote also and will also save it (Good Idea Sexless Guy). I am not in a sexless marriage - but I do NOT feel loved. My spouse is fine - he is actually being nice right NOW. This usually does not last so I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.<br />
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I am at the point that this is tolerable for me, but tolerable is only good enough while our children are living with us - when they leave, if I am still this lonely, my spouse is not my friend AND we still have NOTHING in common then I am going to follow my bliss and create a new life for myself!<br />
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Reflections, I don't get the impression that you have any children living at home - seems like they are adults - what is keeping you in this unhappiness? Don't you think that if you explained to your children, that they would be supportive (they can be supportive of both of you - if everything is amicable). You are right that you can't leave because of this other man (don't you think it is hard was your heart is involved to discern the difference between YOU and your reasons for leaving versus your feelings for this other man?). I guess all you can do is pray for wisdom - that is what I wish for you - wisdom!<br />
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So glad that we have met on here and been able to talk to each other!

I had the same dilemna when i was your age but I split and had a rough couple of years, Boy! am I glad now that i did nine years in and things are great, with new partner, only wish that i had done it sooner. She? don't know don't care

I understand completly! I to am considering leaving for the exact same reasons. I'm not financially secure but am getting to the point where that doesn't scare me as much as the thought of living the rest of my life (I'm 52) in a marriage where there is no sex. I miss being held and kissed like a lover. I wish you all the best. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Wishing you the best and all the luck in the world. I am sure it will all work out and you WILL find happiness.<br />
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"it is better to feel and be hurt than not to have feelings at all"<br />
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Very nice quote. I will keep it my list of quotable quotes. Can only come from a wise person, so am sure you have those qualities too.