A Complete & Total Waste of Time

Last night, after work, my husband picked up some beer at my request.  I really felt like I needed a beer.  After all, how long has it been since we had sex?  Sh*t, 9 months now, and the last time it was so fast, I don't even know if it even counts!

Ok, so we got the beer, I've had 3 and feeling pretty aroused, and I look around and I see my husband.  'Do I? Don't I?' I ask myself.  I finally think, 'go for it'. 

I walk over to him and start a playful gesture to let him know that I'm needing him.  He laughs nervously and says 'what are you doing?'  I smiled a playful smile and said, 'it's been so long, I want you to ravage me!'  Another laugh...

'You want to ravage me?' I asked as I sat on him.

'I don't know.'

'Well I want you to,' and I started kissing him.  He puckered up for a 'fatherly' kiss. 

'No,' I said, 'I want a real kiss.'  I never got it.  That was my cue.  I got up and went to bed.... alone....

My sexual relationship with my husband is a complete & total waste of time...





Cheleanne Cheleanne
66-70, F
41 Responses Aug 17, 2007

All relationships are voluntary..... I will have to ponder that for a while, but it does make sense.....<br />
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Actually, it's very interesting. Now you've got me thinking.....<br />
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Thanks Thrilljunkie! I think you may have opened my eyes to something! Thank-you so much! I have to go and think about this!

So I've been going over your postings and am somewhat ashamed to say I've been on the other end, and it was in part that I had lost physical attraction to her; it kind of hit home when I took her dress shopping, and yes, I go along and wait and comment, and she had to buy 16s. I don't know how heavy she is, but I do know it's considerably more than me. I'm 6'1" and was 215# at that time, and am down below 205# now, while she was 5'8" and maybe somewhere around 240-250#. It's a shame, but I'd look for reasons not to have sex with her. I know it's wrong. Just before we separated, she said that she'd lost almost 20#. Water under the bridge now. Neither one of us deserved what we were going through together. I finally decided to put an end to it. I have less to live on now, but I and my two youngest are free of the kind of life we had when I was married to and living with her. Again, if I had only listened to the people that were close to me and loved me I wouldn't have married her at all in the first place. My condolences to you. If you can save yourself, do it. Life is too short to live in a relationship that feels like hell. In fact, her therapist told me something that was very liberating; all relationships are voluntary. Wow! That was liberating to hear that from a marriage counselor! <br />
Gotta go.

Hi he don't know when he's on to a good thing come and sit on my lap and see what comes up

Yuppers... so right... He won't follow... I will be posting a new story - probably later today - it's a letter actually... asking for spousal help.<br />
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As for the sex lessons, he has NO CLUE what sex even is.... which is painful for me... he has no women pleasing skills whatsoever. I honestly don't know what attracted me to him in the first place.. just the fact that he managed to (God only knows how) to get me pregnant, doesn't mean we have to spend our lifetimes together. <br />
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So... the plan is in place... now it's just a matter of time and waiting for the plan to come into action.<br />
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My girls know what is going on - they know that mommy and daddy are toxic for each other. And they have come to accept it. They know they will still see daddy on weekends etc.... and they are ok with it... so in the next little while we will see what happens.

Bravo...Chele, Hugsss

I agree - that's exactly what I am doing too...

You know curlyone, if your spouse doesn't want to be with you, feel the need to hold you , feel the desire to kiss and cuddle with you, why, waste your time. You know and always keep this in mind that this is not your problem it is theirs, it's only up to you how long you will let it affect you. Take your time and get all your ducks in a row and make the hard decisions. Good Luck

Every time I read one of her posts, I'm thankful for the wisdom of grams. <br />
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You always give me something to think about. <br />
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Thanks, grams.

God Bless you women, I just don't understand sexless marriages either men or women. Love and affection can be shown if there is a physical problem, Hugs, kissing, showing the affection in ways that let you know that your spouse or partner, wants you even with out the act of sex. And of course there are ways of having sex and that can be just as satisfying as intercourse, if the physical problem prevents intercourse. These comments tell me that the desire and the feeling of love is just not there. Hard decisions need to be made, you can all have and deserve that physical closeness in your relationship. Give things a trial separation and then if that doesn't work think about a divorce, it may be hard in the beginning but will pay off in the end when you find that someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved. You don't want your children to grow up thinking this is the way a marriage should be. Good Luck to all of you...

I know Cheleane. I knew your answer before you even responded because I can so relate. <br />
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I just can't take the chance of hurting anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel ugly anymore. I don't want to feel as if I'm a failure as a person because she won't give me the physical intimacy that I crave and need. <br />
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A person can only take so much rejection.

Not a chance Curly... again, repulsive. He has no sense of foreplay and then I end up hurting - not to mention that I would prefer it to last longer than 30 seconds!!!

So, even if he came to you, ripped off your shirt, had a huge erection and said he wanted to ravage you, you'd need more than 3 beers?<br />
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Would 8 beers do it?<br />
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I believe in the power of alcohol. :)

Haha, then I would've had the last laugh! Yah good point there Curly.....love it! Unfortunately I won't get the chance to do it now, because the thought of sex with my husband repulses me now....

Sure I'm two months late to the story but...<br />
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You should've opened the 4th beer before asking him if he wanted to ravage you.<br />
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And, when he said, "I don't know", you should've dumped it on him. <br />
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silly man.

Elle!!!! I haven't seen you in so long! Thanks girlfriend! And Goldenlady, just to reiterate, so true.... thank-you for the insight!

Thank-you for that goldenlady....

You are so right Gren.... logic? what the hell is that anyway??? When it comes to relationships and sex, logic seems to fly out the window.....<br />
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Example: I think we all agree that sex feels wonderful... so why wouldn't someone like our husbands/wives want to feel that way more often????? That just isn't logical.....

All I know is that if I survive this, I don't think I'll ever be in another serious relationship... too much emotional scar tissue to ever trust anyone again. I used to think that things like prenuptual agreements would inherently undermine a relationship, as it is supposed to be based on trust. Now... well I don't think about it anymore, because it isn't a problem that logic can solve.

You know Spacenut, what you say makes sense more often than not, but my husband isn't a greek god either.. he's ok looking - nothing like Mel Gibson - not even my type of look for a man. I like dark haired men and he's blonde.. go figure. <br />
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I'm so happy for you! You have found what us in this group have not. I envy you - and I wish I had a man who thought of me as you do your wife. <br />
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As I sit here typing this, my husband is across the room on the couch - doing what you ask? Why sleeping of course! What else would he be doing on the couch? He sleeps there all the time.<br />
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Now on the other hand, I'm no greek goddess.... but I'm ok in the looks department. Not bad, but have been told I'm gorgeous and sexy by other men. Why can't my husband see this? Because he is freakin' BLIND! <br />
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To be completely honest here, I don't think my husband ever loved me - but we had a child together - and I believe we both felt like we 'had' to get married. It was not meant to be - because if it was, we would both be happy. <br />
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He is as unhappy as I am... and I will leave - if I get this job - and I'm just afraid that the guilt will tear me apart. Don't think I hate him - some days I do despise him though - but deep down, I do care about him, his heart, and his feelings. It's such a loss for me... and I guess it will be for him too.....

Again, you are so right Elle. However, if there is a break up, the kids will then see mommy and daddy happier apart and will learn that sometimes things don't work out between two people... I think it can be a positive thing when couples split, but in the beginning, it's hard because the children always miss the absent parent.

It's been so normal for us for so long now, the girls I don't think ever noticed. Plus the fact that he has always been a napper after supper and we are always up before the kids - so I guess for a long time they just figured that both mommy and daddy were in the same bed but just up before them. I'm really not sure - but they do know that the marriage isn't good and have asked me if we were going to get divorced.... not good...

LMAO!!! Yeah, but it's better he sleeps on the couch than beside me!! I cringe when he does decide to use the bed now....

Yes, you are right Elle... so right. And if this job is meant to be mine, then I will move and find a good man (not an alien abductee) but seriously a romantic, sweet, kind, man... who loves me for who and what I am and not someone who just sits there and doesn't talk to me. Or sleeps on the couch all the time!

It is isn't it Sweet? I feel for you - just like I feel for everyone in this sexless group.... it's just not fair that our sexless spouses can dictate our life for us....

Men just don't get that do they? I totally understand what you are saying here. Mine never gets it either.... we have a huge fight and then 10 minutes later, he acts like nothing happened. I am still pissed and he's talking to me like he's been in a good mood the whole time! Go figure... I am about to give up on men - permanently!

OH Elle... I'm sorry - I thought things were looking up for you? What happened...? I know that with your wonderful spirit, it will be ok. One way or another, you've got to make him know that other men find you attractive.....<br />
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When I temped for 2 weeks at an office, they liked me and called me back for another week a few months later.... there was one guy there who really liked me and every day he would come in and say "Good morning Wonderful... how are you today?' and then he'd wink at me... I never told hubby that - maybe I should have...

Haha, I don't 'GET' him either Nokturn! LOL

I'm a guy... that guy's action lets me puzzled.. a lot... I can't wait to have my wife home so I can kiss her and make love to her... O_o I really can't get it...<br />
Sorry not being much of a help... but... I don't get him...

The mistake we all make is that love means sex...in our partners minds that aint so........sex is just ******@g so lets put this love stuff aside & go get a sex life

naw, no moody bomb here! I'm good... *smile*

Oops, seem to have set off a moody bomb!<br />
Apologies.<br />
Tomorrow is Saturday, so, smiles all round!<br />

I know exactly where you're coming from.... it will pass and it WILL be ok... I promise.

Manicann, I'm sorry.... I hope you feel better soon....

Uh oh !!! Barganax, that last comment was meant for manicann.... however..... *smile* just kidding....

LOL yeah - hey maybe I should 'join' you?? LMAO

I'm just moody. It was my weding anniversary last weekend. I booked us into a hotel. And guess what? Nada! <br />
She could not even put out on the annivrsary! <br />
I have had enough<br />

Thanks for that Barganax. I honestly believe what you say... someone once told me that even DR. PHIL said that withholding emotion and love is a form of abuse.<br />
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I don't think I'm blinded by love, but I do think I'm SEARCHING for it.... I just don't know where to look. The affair made me feel good... like a woman again. And it makes for wonderful love making sessions. I felt so free to do whatever I wanted. <br />
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Manicann, I don't believe that my lover is just saying those things to me. He wants me and my kids to leave my husband and live with him. He wants to marry me, although, I don't think I would because I've done that twice.... and I don't want to go through it again....

There is a book in my local bookshop (wow! That is a surprise!!!) with the title "If it hurts it ain't love" It is really about physical abuse but how many of us her pretend it is love that keeps us in the relationship? If Cheleanne had got a slap across the face she would have been a classic abused wife. But because it was a mental slap then we pretend it's not the same.<br />
We need courage to see the reality<br />

Haha, Manicann, you're too funny! But you are right - he DOESN'T want to talk about it or anything else with me. He won't go to a doctor - and I am dying inside. The only way I know to get closer to a person's soul is through intimacy... emotional AND physical. You need both to really, honestly connect. And I have neither!<br />
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It really is a disheartening feeling and I have to admit that I have had an affair - just to feel attractive and loved again. <br />
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My husband comes home from work and it's always about what HIS day was like... so I get no emotional support either if I had a bad (or even good) day....<br />
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I stopped the affair, because of some frightening attitudes from my lover, but am now seriously considering resuming the whole thing. He says my husband is such a fool and that if I were his, he would NEVER turn me down. He thinks I'm gorgeous and loves my body. <br />
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I just can't figure out how he can think of the that way and my husband, who MARRIED me, can't.... it really hurts... and yes, I AM suffering.....

Thanks everyone for your wonderful comments. All of you (and this site) are my rock... I have outright asked why - and all I get is 'I'm tired,' or, 'my back hurts'. <br />
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He sleeps on the couch all the time and on the rare occassion he DOES sleep in the bed with me, it is for nothing other than SLEEP. <br />
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It really makes a girl feel unwanted, unloved, and unattractive. I don't get it. As a woman, if a man came on to me like that, I would go CRAZY!!! I guess I am destined to suffer...

wow -- sounds dead in his basement -- Your story telling alone was better sex than I get at home 80) -- have you just plain out asking "Why" to him directly - The part having to "get up the nerve" is hard enough -- sorry to hear that