Do You Think My Children 5 and 7 Notice?

How important is sex? How important am I? Clearly she brings some real problems. The sex has rarely been good. Somebody mentioned their wedding night. I'd nearly forgotten. No sex on ours either. We claimed it was the champagne. I don't think she's ever had good sex. With anyone. Not from what I've heard.But I have. Amazing how my mind believes it could work out. It could be fixed. I wish I could be desexed. I am imploding from sleeping alone, from lack of touch from the withering distance. I care so much for my children, this one childhood of theirs that they will ever have. In this dimension I care for the family we have started. I care for this crumbling old house, our daring new school/business.

I don't think anyone notices. She is admired and enjoyed universally. It's almost perfect how inversed her persona to the world contrasts with her un-marriage to me. I wish I could have this thing removed. This thing that wants to live. Do you think my children 5 and 7 notice? It struck me driving home one day that I would want my son and daughter to have a role model of adults in love. Weird to say, I have no interest in starting another marriage ever again. But do I deprive my children of having a parent (at least one) who is fully alive and in love and intimate? I'm pretty sure my wife is done; she'll manage for decades with her antidepressants, her enabling therapist, her friends, her beers, her binges, her gay friends, her old college **** buddies, her tv watching, her best dog. She'll stretch it our until she gets the family cancer and waste into an early death. Who will show my kids what being married could be like - What's possible in love?

mountainsandrivers mountainsandrivers
46-50, M
2 Responses Mar 13, 2009

I am sorry . Your story is terrible. I strongly believe, that sex is one of the most important things in marriage life. I live in sexful marriage(2 kids) and our appetites are the same. I've never said:''No''in bedroom(kitchen, living room etc) for 20 years marriage life.<br />
As a child of my parents I would say children notice a lot. When I was small I often heard in the night my mum said to my father:''Live me alone, I am tired, I don't want'' I noticed tension next day between them. It happened very very often, I am sure, my father has not enough sex until now. As a result he had a problem with prostate several years ago. His doctor recommened him to have more sex. I don't think my parents are happy and it is very painful for me.<br />
I think men must have sex and deserve it( as well as women) and women must make men happy.<br />
You said you love her . Try to find out what exactly. May be you are just pity of her. Saving such marriage you destroy your life and your children's. I am quite sure she doesn't need you as a man.<br />
Probably you will find my comment too rude, I suppose to say sorry and go away. I am really sorry, and I am sure you will make right decision.<br />
Good luck.

Sorry to find you here .. you write very eloquently of the pain and struggle. I think a sxless marriage a slow painful death. <br />
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To some extent the children know; they are very intuitive. And we as parents are providing a role model. Several on this site have said that having happy parents is important, and sometimes that is better done apart. <br />
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I really have not sure fire solutions; otherwise I'd have used them myself. <br />
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Still I do believe that being a martyr for your children is not the best example. They sense the lack of life and joy in a parent. And if they end up feeling you did it for them, then what?? They feel obligated to feel obligated, to suppress self for the greater good. So, what is the greater good??<br />
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Me, I have a child who is nearly 4 years old and I do think of this often and watch and observe others. Have been told by some in the children’s’ therapy arena that children do quite well with divorce if they go on to see their parent(s) be happy. My own internal compass says, making the change when the child is fairly young (under 10 or pre-teen) is better and allows adjustment time before all the emotions of puberty hit. <br />
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Good luck to you!