This Side of Happiness (called Despair)

Over time, the thought of being happily married and sexually whole seems like a perverse joke, a mirage thrown up by biology. I know it must not be like that but from this side of happiness (which is called despair) real love seems so preposterous.

For so long I prided myself on how maturely I could be practical , an undemanding realist. "Love is made not found." "Love is the result of persistence and commitment and faith." I cannot get over how hard my chest squeezes each evening about this hour as I try to distract myself to sleep.

mountainsandrivers mountainsandrivers
46-50, M
6 Responses Mar 13, 2009

At least you're not alone.

Yes, there are women that want to make love maybe not to just sex.

Oh, the point I wanted to make was how astounding to read of women writing about the neglectful husbands. I am so deep in a hole I can't help but choke out a laugh, There are women that want sex?

I was joking with my eight year old students in class. Somehow we got talking about bones and our skeleton. One of 'em snuck up behind me and suddenly began gently pressing my shoulders, carrying out his idea of a massage. It shot through me like lightening and my eyes actually teared up.<br />
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Everybody noticed because we all broke out into silly laughter. I stammered and rolled into a game of tag and the moment passed. It haunts me how long it's been since someone treated me nicely, with some human warmth.

Thank you for your comments. This is my first time to posting and I'm quite affected. By your response (there are really people behind these responses.) <br />
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Yes, I moved on into the office and it's a new kind of strangeness. I can hear the goings on of my 7 and 5 year old with my wife. They are laughing and playing down in the kitchen the way we used to all play together. Maybe a little manic now. I pause quite often; can they see this iceberg buried in my chest? Why does my daughter rush between me and the mom showering kisses and exclaiming her undying love?<br />
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This is so over the top tragic it would be perfect for a scene in a biting romantic comedy film. It could open narrated by the little girl. "I was five and knew already but I couldn't let on..I had a job to do...oh the burdens of saving the world when you're five."

Just for clarification. Are u sleeping in the same bed? Because if u don't like me it is a tradeoff for good sleep once u get used to it(9 years) or having an intimate relationship with your partner. I am not saying it is OK or Great(whoopy) what I am saying is if u r in the same bed and have no intimacy that would drive me crazy. I feel that being inseparate beds has help keep me sane. Yes I get lonely, I am seeing a Counselor but I can actually rest and sleep. Would I trade the sleep for some kind of "real" connection in a minute but it is not going to happen. I am in the process of making some decisions and hope I can do the right thing with the least amount of damage. If I stay I can continue to be miserable, I can go and be miserable or I can go with my child and then she would be unhappy and confused(she is 12). So time will tell and hopefully I can sort through all of this. Good luck to u and to the rest of us as well.