What Did I Do to Deserve This?

I have been married for 15 years, do to my husbands severe chronic pain ( which is being treated as best as possible) We have been sexless for the majority of our marriage due to his declining physical health.  It does not seem to bother him.  But I sure have not been a happy camper.  I miss sex. All he says is that he cant help it.  Well he may not be able to help it, but he is not interested in seeing a sex counselor with me.  I know the only reason I have stayed in this marriage is because of my spiritual beliefs. Not that it matters but he is 10 years younger than me.  I know intimacy can be achived by many paths, but at this point I am beyound resentful or anger, and have come to the point I just dont care if he ever comes near me. Not the best way to live, certainly not what I had hoped.

linda291 linda291
51-55
8 Responses Mar 15, 2009

I know you have a strong religious beliefs however on of the above messages mentions different positions. That is a great idea however. I think its more a libido problem. Pain medication and other medication cause lack of libido in men. Lavender also can decrease a sex drive of a male. stress, fights, money. It seems to be the norm. This can also do the same to woman. May I make a suggestion, Have you tried to relieve your sexual desire yourself? There are many devices out there that can help you! If you could take matters into your own hands then maybe it will start to relieve the frustration and resentment you are starting to feel.

Thanks guys, for your comments, I know my options I just feel like if I left him it would be like kicking a dog when he is down. I guess a part of me still does love him and the other part feels ver very sorry for him. I basically take care of him, financially, meds, take him to appointments. It would not be so bad if I did not also have my own health issues. I feel like the commander of a ship,and if I left everything would go down. He really does all that he is capable of doing and so do I. I guess I was never prepared for the fact we would both be down physically and mentally at the same time. However I have never lost interest in sex. He would like to enjoy sex, but the very severe back spasms that come along with it cancel out the deed. Have seen numerous doctors, has had these involuntary spasms ever since he first *********** as a kid<br />
It was not as much a problem (except for warning his partner because she will never have seen anything like that) until he was severely injured as a firefighter in his twenty's . He took about a year to heal and should not have gone back to work, but he was young with a mortgage and a young family. Now in is mid forty's he is really paying the price for it. Things would not be so bad if he still did not have those severe involuntarily muscle spasms whenever he is aroused. He has seen neurologist,<br />
cant explain why, he is not epileptic, just the way he is wired. Wish I could rewire him

Well here another suggestion. Tell him to go see a masseuse who does deep tissue massage. A couple of treatment later and he should get back to normal. functioning to even have night activity.

My husband has a bad back so yes I can understand this. It was hard on him sometimes to get on top of me and do the deed. Recently a dear friend suggested another position and I think I may try it provided my husband doesn't ob<x>ject. <br />
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We are of a religion where divorcing is considered rare, however, I have thought of it upon occasion in fact I was separated from my husband and persuing a divorce when God and fate changed the course of my life. <br />
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If your husband won't go to counselling go yourself, if he doesn't consider your feelings maybe it's time to move on. Do you think God wants you to be with a man that is selfish and unwilling to compromise?

You didn't have to do anything to deserve this!<br />
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Things don't happen to us because we earned them. You path crossed his... and there is a mismatch in sexual priority.<br />
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Heck you may be the giver of the two of you, and he might be the taker... <br />
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He has his sexual problems, and he has obligation problems, and none of this is because you did something in your life to deserve this. <br />
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I feel for you... I know your pain.

Sorry to hear Linda, I know how you feel though. Been in my marriage 26 years with a major problem being lack of intimacy and sex. At this point it has been almost 2 and a half years since we have had sex and its also becuase of her fear of the chronic pain due to a back injury. The one question I have for you is, were the two of you friends before the marriage?

Dear linda291. I am very very sorry. <br />
I believe you will find the way to go out of this difficult situation. <br />
Imagine, I don't know what I would do being in your state.<br />
Probably, your spiritual beliefs make you feel guilty and you sacrifice your life and feelings. Please, think about you and decide what you want from your life and your husband. If you don't have children ,it will be easier to do something with your life.<br />
Honestly, your case is quite unusual.<br />
I am sorry and good luck.

He's in such poor shape and hes only in his forties? May I ask what causes his pain?