So You Are Thinking About Having An Affair…


    Let me tell you what you need to do.    Assumption: You don’t want to get caught. (If you secretly want to get caught: have at it – you will be.)               Learn to be an excellent liar, because you will be lying full time to this person you love to much to leave. And if you are staying for the kids: well you’ll be lying to them too. (If you are staying for financial reasons: have at it – lying will make you a better business person. You’ll be able to excel at sales.)               Learn to be an excellent time manager, because you will now be stretching your time to include this other person, and spending less time with this person you love to much to leave. And if you are staying for the kids: well you’ll have less time for them as well. (If you are staying for financial reasons: have at it – time management skills will make you a better business person.)               Learn to deal with guilt, because you will cheating on this person you love to much to leave. And if you are staying for the kids: well, they will be very hurt and disillusioned, and will probably feel like they have been cheated on as well. (If you are staying for financial reasons: have at it – an ability to deal with guilt will make it easier to fire people who really need the job, and that will make you a better business person.)               Learn to pick a good lawyer, because you will need one when, not if, you get caught, because that person that you love to much to leave will eventually be informed by mutual friends, enemies, relatives, your lover or maybe even you (remember the guilt thing). And if you are staying for the kids: well, you will need a very good lawyer to make sure you get to see them or get child support as the case may be. Unfortunately, the lawyer won’t be much help getting them to forgive for hurting their beloved other parent. (If you are staying for financial reasons: have at it. An ability to choose a good lawyer will help no end when you get sued for lying about your product, or charged with wrongful dismissal of an employee, which will make you able to continue as a business person.)   My advice: If you really must have another sex partner while staying married for whatever reason. Be up front, tell your spouse your needs and be ready to deal with the consequences.  Because, you will be dealing with consequences, and they could be much worse.  
FriendofPromise FriendofPromise
51-55, F
14 Responses Mar 15, 2009

I am so sorry Chandamar... so very sorry for you and your situation...

No, you don't have to die miserable... Unless you really want to... There are legal avenues that allow you to be partners yet not spouses... <br />
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The story was intended to say look before you leap... There are no easy fixes, but that doesn't mean throw up your hands and give up...

Its that very advice at the bottom of the story that has me scared to cheat....even with her permission. I do have her permission...but what are the consiquences.<br />
The facts are: She is a lot better off (Financially) if we stay married.<br />
I am the big loser if we divorce.<br />
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Then ; what happens if I do find a loving woman..who provides for my emotional..and sexual needs<br />
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Nope,...its not worth cheating. <br />
I will just have to die misserable

i agree that having an affair only makes things worse in the end (believe me, i have also contemplated it, and have tried to justify it in my head!). once you have divorced you will be known as the one who cheated and no one will care to know the reasons why you did so. unfortunately, people won't see the pain that you went through as a result of all that rejection. the whole breakdown of the marriage will be blamed SOLELY (unfairly) on your cheating. all the family, friends and children involved will never forget this. it is a hard thing to have to carry with you for the rest of your life. what is worse is that one's children grow up knowing that their parent cheated (how do you really explain the real reason behind the affair to children??). it is a label you will never lose. its unfair, but that is just how it is! first leave your partner before getting involved with anyone else. that way, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror without feeling shame and guilt in the future. its tough, i know...

It is my opinion that individuals that cheat are Cowards. They don't have enough guts to say: Sweetie, I love you but we need to work on areas. Its cheaper to keep them and work out whats wrong then divorce! I mean that emotionally and financially. Also if it just doesn't work out then be a big enough person to say so. Lies and cheating hurts you, her, the kids, all family members involved. Be a Man/Woman and just be honest.

FOP...I hear ya LOUD AND CLEAR!!!<br />
As I said...I think your words are spot on.<br />
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As far as the incendiary comment. I still believe what I said, but you are not wrong in any way either. To explain more....<br />
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I think that only when there is still true, honest, open love and communication AND there are exceptional medical issues that prevent intimacy...will a refuser grant their spouse the 3b option out of true love and respect for their spouse. Other than that...the refusers are refusers...and they will refuse.<br />
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For full disclosure...I am heading straight into an oncoming train wreck in an emotional affair. Your words hit me they were meant to...and as they should.<br />
The truth is the truth and you speak it well.<br />
Good Luck FOP

It may be just as incendiary, but a damn site easier to back away from should that be your choice...<br />
Get caught having an affair and you are much less likely to be the one with choices...<br />
Didn't want to sound preachy at all... <br />
Just know how easy it is to succumb should the chance arrise, when you deal with unrequitted desire day in day out...

FOP...I think your words are spot on. Your follow on helps. Your initial story does sound like you are preaching and casting stones, but you have clarified it quite well. Here is how I sum up ALL of our choices as ones in a sexless marriage...I think we are actually saying two very similar things.<br />
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1) Grin and bear it.<br />
2) Get a divorce<br />
3a) Have a secret affair to satisfy your needs. (I think you explained this well)<br />
3b) Have an affair with consent (you also explained your point here well). I will add that I think although you say use this option as a "business" arrangement, the reality is this nearly NEVER happens. My personal belief is only in VERY rare circumstances will this happen. The deniers are just that...they will deny.<br />
The discussion of this option is as incendiary as having the actual affair.<br />
Good Luck to all.

I'm old and cranky, but I am also teachable...I will carefully consider your cautionary tale.

I didn't say don't look for sex outside your marriage. I said DON'T TRY TO HIDE IT FROM YOUR SPOUSE, CAUSE YOU'LL GET CAUGHT, and if you think this is painful, honey, you ain't seen nothing yet.<br />
Repeat: If your marriage has become a business arrangement or some sort of weird friendship - negotiate for peace - and to be allowed to go outside the relationship for sex if you want to. <br />
Ther is very seldom any room for negotiation once you get caught stepping out...

Sigh....what non-divorce alternatives do I have left? A monastery? Cybersex? Vegas? Ay, caramba...

I totally got what you were saying and am so tempted to link the story to my married lover who AGAIN told his wife he was in love with me but misphrased the statement. So instead of saying he couldn't cheat on her and be a moral and honest person and he was moving out NOW, he merely said he couldn't give me up. She said then leave; he said now? she said no.<br />
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2 weeks of agonizing, making a decision, and back in limbo he goes. He's trying to do the right thing. Me too, which is why I'm NOT linking to your story yet. I want him to find his moral compass on his own.

I'm not saying it's ok for them to cheat us out of love and intimacing. I'm saying don't fool yourself into thinking having an affair is an easy fix. I'm not saying don't have an affair. <br />
Just go in with both eyes open.<br />
In a previous marriage I did the affairs thing. It made me into someone I didn't want to be. <br />
And longtimesexless - you get it... And your last thought is dead on.<br />
If your marriage has become a business arrangement or some sort of wierd friendship - negotiate for peace - and to be allowed to go outside the relationship for sex if you want to.

Great advice. So what you are saying is it is okay for the "refuser" to cheat you on their end of the deal without having to explain anything to anyone including the kids, their business associates or the one that loves them too much to leave, but it is not alright for the one that loves too much to leave to get what they need from another source because that is cheating?<br />
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Hmmm, thought so, although I still cna't figure that out. Hey can one of those really good lawyers get us congical visits outside of the marriage with an agreement with thone you love too much to leave and have it court ordered and enforced do to "frigidity" or breach of contract?