Successful In My Career - But Life Has Challenged Me

 I have most of the marks of success in life - I run a company, make lots of money, have a beautiful house, drive German cars, two wonderful children, a blonde bombshell wife, and the rest of the crap to go with it. 

Here is my disaster - I am of Asian heritage, have a smaller than average penis, and ********* soon. My beautiful and dear wife had been having numerous affairs over the last 5 years, and I discovered all of the accidentally just 8 months ago. I went through great sadness, amazing confusion, white hot anger, and seriously questioned what I was to do with the rest of my life. 

This was all so new to me - I have never been let down so poorly by anyone else. I have never misjudged someone so badly at anytime in my life. Anyway, I read and re-read a lot of Buddhist philosophy on forgiveness, and acceptance, and meditated a lot. I came to the conclusion that I must stay in my marriage, and be a wonderful father to my two children whose Universe will be ripped apart if I walked away, and be a forgiving and accepting husband to my wife as she came back home.

My parents thought I was out of my mind, and so did my sister and brother, but they all accepted my decision, and applauded my capacity to love, forgive, and accept.

Now this is where the problem begins - since we decided to be together, my wife has continuously been giving me the message that all the sexual ways in which I approach her, are really inadequate, and that my "coming too soon" and therefore not being able to provide her an athletic intercourse was just too much. It is just too hard for me to know that sexually I am inadequate for her, and that perhaps in some deep corner of her mind she is still regretting the wonderful affairs she used to have. So our sex life is so pathetic, devoid of intimacy or any kind of connection, and feels to me like a giant act of charity on her part. She says she does not find me sexually attractive, had never been sexually attracted to me etc. I am just tired of being admired like some kind of performing monkey, some cute computing machine that does not have any need to be playful.

I am just tired. I inspire people during my day, and there is nothing sexual to inspire me at night. My willingness and capacity to forgive and accept her are diminishing and being replaced by a sense of "WTF - what the ****". I am in need of a wonderful wife/lover who accepts my body and me for who I am, and is prepared to energize me as I energize her. 

Can my wife become such a person? Am I hurrying her through it? Or is this really over, and I am deluding myself that she can be such a person without regret? I don't know.

I am a one man one woman kind of a guy, so hiring hookers to fulfill my fantasies is not my kind of thing. People tell me that having affairs can be a solution, but I am so loathe to engage in one since affairs are what destroyed my marriage in the first place. I also believe it is disingenuous for me to accuse my wife of having affairs, and then having them myself. 

Not sure what to do. This is such strange territory for me, as I usually am the one in most situations that has clarity of vision and knows what to do. 

It is real scary being ignorant, vulnerable, and starved for physical and emotional affection when so many people and families look to me to lead them through the darkness. I will, but I hope God gives me the strength to do that.

blazingcareer blazingcareer
46-50, M
3 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Check out this person : "clearasdaylight" and especially her story: <a href="" target="ep_blank"></a> Is that your wife? <br />
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Good luck to you.

Have you thought of seeing a good therapist?<br />
They can really help you put things into perspective.<br />
I went to one and was able to work through a divorce.<br />
Now I am re-married and super happy.<br />
Anyway its not about me! Good luck to you and if you haven't already get someone to talk to!

I think your wife posts here. And I think she is trying.<br />
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I don't know if it's fair that either of you must change to be enough for each other. I don't know if either of you cares enough to change for the other, or if either of you are able to change.<br />
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What I do know from what you've written, is that you can afford to divorce and get your kids out of an enviorment that believe me they know somethings up with mom and dad. Kids are resilient, and if you make their emotional well being paramount and don't fall into the trap of using them as therapists, they'll survive.<br />
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You might want to read, "Too Good to Leave/ Too Bad to Stay" it deals with all the questions you raised.