How to Stay Sane?

After 20 some odd years of marriage, I am guessing my DH has never initiated (maybe once) for sex.  I think he has tried to show the world he had more control than his father did; his father had extramarital affairs.  His father tormented him terribly as a child. 

My DH is a good provider; but he has never initated sex and I took up the slack.  I refuse to do it now.  You guessed it.. No sex.  I ask him him to initiate sex through the years and he says yeah. But he never has. 

How dumb am I?  So frustrated and angry.  I have tried to accept our imperfections, but I'm human too.  He puts the burden on me to accept this.

 Just sayin' it sucks figuratively, but not literally.

How to stay sane?

healbrokenwings healbrokenwings
46-50, F
5 Responses Mar 16, 2009

My husband and I at one time had a great sex life. Over the course of 20 years his drinking became a problem - interfering mostly in my lack of desire because of the chaos. In the last several months before he became sober there were some ED issues. He's been sober now for over 4 years. He came out of rehab very emotionally shut down and we did not have sex for 3 years. We have been trying to turn things around for the last year and a half. There is more I could tell but I'm writing here because what I've discovered it that he is almost always impotent. He is nothing like he was 5 years ago. We are only 53. He never brings it up. He says he's tired or it's his age. He finally went to the doctor. His testosterone was low average and then average but in any case two GPs said testosterone is dangerous and he shouldn't take it. With our history there are no shortage of issues to work through but no matter how much progress we make it always feels undermined by the fact that there is no physical intimacy. I always feel unattractive and unwanted. I had no idea I could feel this lonely while living with another person. He tells me that it's hard to be around someone who is so easily irritated by things or that I'm too sensitive. I only start to feel so impatient as I get more and more frustrated by our lack of connection. He was never a great verbal communicator and now there is nothing. Sometimes, like today, I feel so sad and alone.

Thank you for writing. I understand when you reach a certain point, you reach out to be heard and to find company and ways to cope and hopefully to find solutions. (They give me about a 2" by 1/2" space to write here.) I found a link to help raise testosterone naturally. The reason I am sending this link is because the 1st solution is zinc. I have been amazed how zinc has helped conditions for me, where nothing else did. I'll be sending you and yours healing and comforting thoughts.

maybe this will make you smile. I thought ... geez.. I had to get married to become a nun .

It is now just over 4 years since I first posted. We had someone enter our life, a child. My dh has turned around. I never thought he would. As the child became older, my dh's heart became lighter. I never thought I would see him change. But he has and for the better. Wishing you strength and whatever you and yours need mc27.

Trying to stop myself from responding to "moonrunner's" assessment of your sexless marriage situation, which I totally disagree with. But I cannot ..................................<br />
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Upon checking the profile, I noticed that moonrunner is between 40-45 .. Moonrunner .. how do you know how you or anybody else is going to feel 10-20 years from where you are right now? How insensitive of you to presume that simply by telling your brain and body to stop yearning for things to be different will make them so.<br />
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Ignore your basic instincts and I guarantee you will not be FREE OF STRESS AND SADNESS .. RATHER YOU WILL BE SURROUNDED WITH STRESS AND SADNESS.<br />
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And a short course of therapy ... what the hell?<br />
And "luckily the sex drive diminishes which makes acceptance easier?" .............says who?? <br />
People who feel never lose the need to touch.<br />
Sexuality can continue into the 90's ... adult homes have found this to be so true that some have put aside "rooms" where patients can be intimate with each other. <br />
Sex is a delightful gift and enjoyed til the day we die.<br />
So pardon me for disagreeing with you.<br />
"heartbrokenwings" ... you don't have to deny your feelings. Please know that intimacy is a right of marriage. If your spouse refuses sex, your wedding vows have been compromised. You are entitled to your feelings.<br />
Perhaps a therapist could help .. but not the short course... burying your feelings won't make them go away<br />
Facing your feelings will make you a happier person.<br />

HBW,<br />
<br />
I feel for you, as I feel for any of us who are not getting what we need from our married partners.<br />
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So your hubby never rejects your advances, or refuses you're initiations of sex, or has certain things he just finds "icky" and so won't do them? Wow... though I understand how it is that you want him to make the moves first, you can at least have as much sex as you want as long as you are willing to initiate. <br />
<br />
James<br />

Thanks Atts, I appreciate your taking the time to give me your thoughts. I do stay... and try to be comfortable, but it doesn't exactly work. :(

This is not that uncommon. <br />
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check out this link...<br />
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<a href="" target="ep_blank"></a><br />
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also, men with bad childhoods or issues before can easily go the other way. I know you feel unloved, like your not good enough or maybe that you are not attractive to him. The truth is... its him.... you have a choice to make... Stay and be comfortable with the fact you always initiate... or leave and take the chance that the next guy will turn out the same way... There are more and more men with the same issue..