Before and After

i was married 3 years ago.  we dated for a year before we got married, BIG MISTAKE as i see it now.  the sex was great in the beginning, b4 we got married and then she got all virgin on me and wanted to chill out 30 days before we got married, and i was ok with it. in the 3 years since, i'd say we have had sex about 30 times.  we have one child and a load of problems.  all of a sudden sex became painful because of fibroids.  i lived with that, and then we had our child.  i was patient, tried to be anyway, but nothing has really changed.  i have to force it on her.  i've resigned myself to sleeping in the guest room because i'm so serious, along with popping in a movie.  i can say that my hand has been there for me more than she has.  if i knew it would be like this, i would've stayed single when i controlled things.  it's not all about sex, but i think our relationship has suffered as a result. i get so angry on days when i think about what i'm going thru.  she gets upset because she says i don't love her or care for her.  is it wrong for me to think that the love and the caring will come wants she starts sharing.  the anger is building so much within me that i am getting upset now.  i've never had a woman that i've been with push my hand away, unless we were never together and she was playing hard to get.  i can say that if we did not have a child that i would've left.  i mean, we even involved our parents because they could see something was wrong, and i flat out told them that your daughter isn't putting out.  her father and my father tried counseling us.  at least my dad said this is the time where you should have sex anywhere in the house.  even while your cooking.  regardless, their talk happened and nothing has really changed.  30 times in 3 years (i'm estimating) is not what i signed up for..  let me stop rambling, i need help.  oh and did i mention that she's always saying something is wrong with her.  today it was, i feel sick.  friday it was i feel dizzy, saturday she hurt her back.  maybe she is in pain, but that's what a doctor is for.  i've never meant someone who was so out of it.

whyme74 whyme74
16 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Wow guys, you've given me alot to think about. I will say that I have tried being more affectionate, as she says this is one of the things she wants me to do, but as i've done this she pushes me away at times and the anger builds. and then when she tries to do it to me (and she also tells me that she's trying) i don't give it back because it feels so natural, like it's not her. but i am turning 35 next month. I will try every night, or at least a few times per week to do something that will show my affection. but keep in mind the battle begins when i hear, "i'm tired" or "my stomach hurts." i am going to try this approach and not think about having an affair. sometimes i think what did i get myself into. getting married after one year and not TRULY getting to know her. if we had been dating, I would have broken it off 2 years ago. but i know, i'm married and i have to work on it. i can only do so much and hope for the best. I will be the bigger person and see where this leads. i hope this works, but if it doesn't i think i will really sit her down and tell her maybe we need to separate. and it won't be the first time we've discussed this, so we'll see.

My husband started sleeping on the couch 12 years ago so I could Not touch him.We had sex three times in there.He never showed me one ounce of caring.Sex is one thing and emotional sharing is another.Sex with out that for me would not have worked and since there was neither,I am happier by far without him.Am not looking at starting anything with any guy Any time within the next 50 years though.Maybe 51 years from now,I am too happy feeling good about Me :) I wake up he is Not here ,No resentment And I can dance and sing all I want.Be happy and stay single is my motto now.Life is an occasion rise to it .

I would show her affection and tenderness if she allowed me to do it. If I do try anything...anything at all...she pushes me away. It doesn't or night...<br />
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now when we sleep in the same bed....if I sleep between the sheets....she sleeps on top of the that I don't touch about rejection...

I was in a marriage for 28 years.There was No sex from him.I can tell you the days I got pregnant right to the hour,as I was the "seducer" good thing I was so fertile that I conceived or I never would have had children.I went for 6 years of not even one time.Maybe I worded it wrong But I had wanted to be held and kissed,holding hands,someone who would not criticize my every word .To made to feel loved,special.He made me feel so undesirable that I started to feel disgusted with my self and like a IT not a person/women.The only thing I am saying is showing her tenderness and affection May lead to the sex.But sex is a part of marriage Just not everything in a marriage Friendship is not underrated.

hi there! i really can understand what you are going through: my husband only sleeps with me once every few months or so, and nothing i do makes him desire me any more. i am also angry and bitter and feel cheated. people who have not experienced this do not understand what this does to you as a person. it breaks you down and makes you feel unloved, unattractive, worthless and leaves you feeling like a desperate pervert for wanting what should be normal. however, i really feel that i need to say this to you (maybe i am stepping over the line, but here goes, sorry!!!): cheating is not going to help you at all, in fact, it will just make you feel worse in the end (i have contemplated it a lot! even if you feel justified in cheating, you will deal with guilt in the years to come, especially when you have a child. remember, nothing stays secret and you will be known as the man who cheated on your wife while she was with a small child...people do not know the pain you have gone through and unfortunately they will not take that into account, instead you will be the scapegoat and the entire reason the marriage did not work in the eyes of others. your son will one day be told that you had an affair. it is just not worth it. if you really want to be with this other woman then you have to have the guts to first break it off with your wife.<br />
i don't believe you would have stayed in the relationship this long if you did not still love your wife in some way (even though a lot of the love you have has already been killed, through rejection and pain). it can be really hard to admitt this to yourself. i often say that i don't love my husband anymore because he has destroyed my confidence and broken my heart with his constant rejection. but i know that i am also lying to myself. bitterness, anger and hurt can make one feel this way, even though if fact , there is still some love left. this is why i think you should perhaps give it a last try and try a new approach (also, if you do seperate, you don't want to do this knowing that you did not give your best and did not try everything you could). it will involve you having to be the bigger person and put your pride in your's going to be hard to do, but it might just work...<br />
as a woman, my advice to you is to firstly, sit your wife down and tell her that there is something that you really need to speak to her about (i am sure you have already done this, but try to be the better person and put away all the anger and bitterness here for a while. also get someone to babysit and take her to a park or somewhere so that you are out of the home environment and in a place where she really has to listen to what you say without the distractions you get at home. you need to set this environment to let her know that you intend to have a serious conversation with her). then you need to tell her that you need to let her know how she makes you feel as a person. tell her in a kind way EXACTLY how it affects you. tell her how hurt you feel and that by not wanting to sleep with you, she makes you feel worthless as a man, as a person. don't be afraid to open up your feelings to her. give it one last shot. tell her about how sad it makes you. that your heart has been broken. tell her that when she rejects you sexually it sends out the message to you that she doesn't love you at all. tell her she is a wonderful wife and that you really want to make love to her, and that is why you can't understand why she does not feel the same. if she brings up the medical stuff, acknowledge her pain, but also ask her if she has really done all she can from her side to show her love to you. tell her she needs to show you that she loves you and that she is committed to the relationship by promising to try harder. she needs to commit to this by being accountable to someone outside of the marriage (or else nothing will really change). this is where i recommend a therapist. don't go to any psychologist: they have to have specific training in dealing with sexual problems (sex therapist). you are both going to need some form of marriage counselling to deal with the hurt and try to repair this mess. <br />
i hope i have not been too judgemental.<br />
good luck

I wunder if shelda understands what we in this forum have gone through. <br />
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In my marriage.while my children were young I did everything possible to help out with chores, cleaning....sitting with the kids so that she could have her own time...all while holding down a full time job. My wife was a stay at home mom. <br />
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Not ONCE during our marrage did my wife initiate sex. If I tried to get romantic...I was brushed off. She even had the nerve to tell me once after a night out on the town; dinner and dancing....that I shouldn't expect sex. That I was treating her like a *****. <br />
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I was doing well to have sexual relations once a month at that point. Now its come down to none at all in the last 4 years. With some well you have treated your woman..has nothing to do with our lives now. Their is no way one can make them happy. <br />
I now have an absolutely misserable life and its too late for me to start over and risk loosing everything I have worked for in the past 33 years. <br />
The hand doesn't come close to the feeling of sexual relations. It just takes the edge off. <br />
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As you can see I am quite bitter as to the way I am going to have to live out the rest of my life. And it is without just cause on my part or medical problems on hers.

You know maybe she does not want to have sex with you for reason's she says that you do not love her.Do you do anything for her like holding hands rubbing her feet/back? I find that showing and doing little things helps people to feel loved and if there is an emotional bonding going on it seems to get people in the mood for loving.She also had a baby which can set off hormones too.Carring a child for nine or more months and taking care of the baby is Stress

Thank you all for your comments. This is truly the therapy I needed. Strangeling, it's so crazy how you hit the hammer on the nail. I've suffered, tried communicating, but i haven't cheated or left for that matter. I will say that i have been cheating emotionally. I recently have been in contact with my ex who is not married but in a terrible relationship. She's an hour away and can't wait to see me. I anticipate a warm embrace and a gentle kiss. I can't say that i'm looking for sex from her, but I just want to feel loved. I want that nice warm hug and that passionate kiss that i've been longing for. I don't want to leave my wife because of my child and I know that is a bad reason for staying because it will only hurt my child. i'm hoping it works out but i can't see it. she wonders why i act like i don't care and this is it, i resent her. when i think about it, i get so upset. i've also told her to go to the doctor about her ailments, but it never seems to be about the fibroids. thx again for all your comments, i look forward to sharing my progress.

Reflections3...As always has said it all perfectly. There are few options but to survive a sexless marriage requires action not lamentations. <br />
Incidentally welcome to the forum . You are definitely among friends here.

" Strangeling" brings a clear perspective to this subject:<br />
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What to do about it? You can start with the classic four - suffer, communicate, cheat, leave.<br />
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Once we know the truth we have a decision to make<br />
I hope you find peace of mind and others here that will make know that we share the same purgatory ... you are not alone ..<br />
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Oh...and don't forget the excuse that the kids might hear us

Pamy,<br />
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Go back through stories for the last two weeks or so. You'll find plenty of stories from women who are in sexless marriages (husband is the denier). It seems to be a 50/50 thing. When I first found this website, I assumed most of those complaining about being in a sexless marriage would be men. However, it turns out that "men never get enough" idea was more stereotype than reality.<br />
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Whyme74,<br />
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I feel your pain. Your wife must know my wife, because my wife uses all the same excuses.

Hi, I read your story and I really feel your pain. It seems I am only coming across stories where it is the wife who does not want to have sex and intimacy!? I have been married for 2 years and from about a month after being married, my husband is either too tired or too busy to want sex or any kind of intimacy.....<br />
I feel so unwanted, so undesirable and sometimes, unlovable...

Hi, WhyMe. Welcome to our group. You're in the right place. What you're going through is something we're all familiar with. Most of us have been faced with a relationship with someone who we loved (at least at one point), but which just can't (or won't) provide us with sexual satisfaction. We're familiar with the struggle between our own happiness and our marital obligations, and we all had to decide which answer is for us.<br />
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I'll throw a few easy answers at you. You are fully justified in feeling that sex should be a larger part of your relationship. That's one of the things that doesn't get discussed about a marriage, but it isn't like we marry women because we have too much money laying around. Getting into an exclusive sexual relationship with someone means that they are responsible for your sexual needs. She's shirking her part of the bargain.<br />
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Average sexual activity for someone your age: once every four days. Proof positive: it sucks to be you.<br />
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Good sex can't make a bad relationship work, but a mismatched sex drive is one of the surest ways of destroying one. It doesn't matter how much you care about the person, an unfulfilled sex drive will result in resenting them, and eventually make you stop caring about them. After all, they couldn't care that much about you, right? <br />
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What to do about it? You can start with the classic four - suffer, communicate, cheat, leave. Please feel free to talk about your experiences and we can share how we answered the issues you're facing.

I think that you should make a Dr. Apt. for her...Sounds like something could really be wrong....Fibroides are a bad thing....They could start bleeding...and if not taken care of...Could kill her.....I know....I put off going to a dr...and I almost died.....Get her in now.....And stop forit on her...That just puts her off sex even more......

Too late now, but the warning sign was her giving up sex for 30 days... anyone who really understands and appreciates sex for sex sake wouldn't give it up for more than 24 hours, let alone 30 days... what did that prove... that she didn't need sex, and she could get you to live without it.<br />
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I feel so bad for you... you could be me...