Lack of Concern

This past weekend was very trying for me.  Traveled alone to do my first art show since I was injured.  It was a five hour drive and set up was hard but some kind fellow exhibitors helped me.  Sales were poor due to the economy and the rainy weather.  Traveling from my motel to the show on Sunday I hit and killed a deer that jumped out in front of me.  Pulled off the road and looked for damage on my van but didn't see anything apparent so I drove to the show and did not make one sale!  A first for me in over twenty five years.  Called home and my husband's cell phone numerous times but he never answered me.  I had help packing up and decided to make the drive back home because I did not want to spend any more money on a motel.

On the way home it was raining and foggy on the winding mountain roads.  A tractor trailer tail gated me for miles and there was no place for me to pull off. My husband finally answered the home phone and when I told him about hitting the deer all he asked me was did I make any money and was the van alright?  Not one word as to my safety!  My van started losing oil pressure so I pulled into a truck stop and checked the oil.  It was down and I called home again and got no answer.  Added a quart of oil that brought the pressure back up. Had to call a good friend who told me to get an extra quart of oil and to call him when I got home.  I drove about twenty five miles and the pressure dropped again.  Had to pull off and add another quart.  I cut my hand opening up the hood latch and stood there in the rain crying.  Finally made it home after midnight and my husband was in his room asleep.  I didn't even bother to tell him I had arrived.  Left a note on the table about the van and called my friend who waited up to hear about my safe arrival. 

I thought about my marriage a lot as I was driving.  How empty my life is being with a man who has no regard as to my safety.  I thought to myself that if I had wrecked my van I wonder how long it would be before he even contacted someone as to my well being? I felt so very alone.  I would never treat him like this even though I have many reasons to do so.  It is bad enough getting no affection from him.  To have no concern for me when I am so far from home is appalling!  I feel emotionally empty about my marriage.  Can't even work up the energy to be angry anymore.  It is far worse to be married and feel alone  then choose to actually be alone. 

 

 

dartist dartist
56-60, F
18 Responses Mar 18, 2009

I found your story so sad, your husbands interest for the materialistictic things and not your safety is totally unbeliveable. Personally if this was me I would start thinking about my marriage and is it worth staying with this guy. He should have been there for you even if it meant taking a taxi to wherever you were. I am pleased you were not injured. Start thinking about your future and putting yourself first. He sounds a very selfish person.

Truly sorry to hear about your weekend....I'm glad that you made it back safe and sound in one piece. <br />
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You sound very stretched thin and near breaking point in the above post. In future, if you're at that point again, may I suggest that you call a friend first. Someone whom you know is very concerned about your safety and well being and then after whatever needs to be settled is done so.. then you call your husband. <br />
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If you reverse that sequence, you'll not get the comfort you need in that situation from your husband and the stress will build up and it will aggravate your injuries and your health further. It is not advisable to dwell on someone's callousness towards you in a fragile condition. <br />
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Continue to focus your thoughts on the people who do care about you and it will be easier for you to ride through a bad patch. That's what we're all here for. <br />
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I have never been married D, but I do know that sometimes, you cannot control how a person treats you. That is regardless of how many years you've been together, or how much you've done for that person. You cannot even control if a person deals out evil in return for kindness as in my situation. <br />
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Fact is, the only thing you can control is your response to that person did to you. Don't dwell on the callousness....it is far better to seek solace with the ones you know who will be there for you when your van hits a deer in the middle of the night and you need refuelling and love. Stay Strong !!<br />
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(((((HUGS!!!))))))

Wow - i read your blog and my heart felt what you are going through, only because i have been there also. The father of my daughter treated me the same and i eventually realised that no matter what i tried or did, it would not help as the problem was not with me, but with him. You are just the mirror for him. He is reflecting onto you how he is feeling. Don't absorb it and if you can, get out before it destroys you completely...You are a strong person, else you would not have made it this far, let alone through the weekend...Practise that now...You can do it!!! Don't ever think you are alone, cause you are not...It only feels like it at times over emotional overconsumption...Good luck!!!

Sorry to hear of your experience. Take care xxx

Thanks to all of you for the comments. I never understood the term passive aggressive until a good friend pointed out to me that my husband is this way. Understanding makes it easier to deal with him. I did a lot of venting in my story and that was a help. Did not start a fight with him because nothing would change. <br />
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I was quite taken by this quote and will remember it if I ever make any decisions about a future partner. Thank you Lena. <br />
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I am looking towards the day when I can write about my positive start with my new life. Mentally I am already on my way and that is a huge step. Other areas will fall into place because I will make them happen. No knight on a white horse is going to rescue me. That is my job and my mission. <br />
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No matter how down I get, I always get a tremendous boost from people on Ep. I hope I always do the same for you. "I get by with a little help from my friends".

I have to say that reading your story made my heart hurt. I wish I could give you a real hug! I know how you feel and guess that's why your story touched me so. You just as myself need to change the situation. Our hubands are not going to change. They are comfortable where they are. They are self centered and care only for their own needs.

I don't really have anything new to add... Just remember that you do have friends, both here and in the real world.<br />
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Your kids getting married is a great positive in your life, and I'm sure they understand your financial situation.<br />
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And listen to kungfuchic, she really tells it like it is...

Having a bit of distance from my difficult weekend just reinforces the knowledge that I will not continue living this life. I did not have a huge fight with my husband over this and I think he is a bit surprised at my calm quiet manner. <br />
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Writing about this helped me very much. It was much more productive than having a fight. Reading comments from fellow EP members lightened my heart and I am grateful for the support. A better life is coming because I will make it happen for me. I will keep giving out that positive energy and remain constant in prayer. I have heard it said that hard times only makes us stronger but I hope that God thinks I am now strong enough!<br />
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I do feel happier with the support of my many wonderful friends. You give my strength and determination an added boost when I need it most! Thanks to all of you.

I liked seeing that your mood is DETERMINED today<br><br />
Just when things are hard enough, they get harder. You are a survivor and it's not easy living in the real world. <br><br />
We are capable of being loving, caring human beings and when our husbands, the people we are bound to by law and marriage vows, allow us to exist in this sexless, empty, barren existence, we have to make that decision to stay or leave and without financial security to back us up .. it's a difficult action to take. <br><br />
I imagine that it can be done, because I feel that there is a life for me that hasn't begun yet and that's not just wishful thinking .. it is my goal and I believe it is your goal too.<br><br />
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There will be days like the ones you just had .. Life goes on and with each turn of events we see something a little bit clearer and it makes more sense. You have weddings coming up and I agree that this is not going to be easy for you, but you will emerge as a stronger, more beautiful and secure woman because you have the desire to live fully.<br><br />
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You are in my prayers and my thoughts. <br><br />
Remember that God wants us to be happy and we already know that there are people out here and out there that can and do make us feel happiness!

I'm sorry for you. I had similar issues with my wife's apparent indifference to my safety. I do think that would suggest that the sooner you alter your situation, the better...

I'm sorry for you. I had similar issues with my wife's apparent indifference to my safety. I do think that would suggest that the sooner you alter your situation, the better...

Thank you all for the support. Yes, this is not something new in my marriage but I was able to bury a lot of my negative feelings through my work and getting away from home with my art shows. <br />
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Some marriages get stronger through adversity and I believe that these are when two people have a genuine capacity for compassion and love towards their partners. <br />
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In my case, the foundation was already starting to crumble before the hard times set in. I will hold on and maintain my life until my children are married. They both know that I am leaving as soon as possible and encourage me to do so. Even though it gets so hard to remain patient, I am still determined to start a new life.

"It is far worse to be married and feel alone then choose to actually be alone. " <br />
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D: This pretty much sums it up. Pull yourself together my sister. Have a plan to go forward. After the weddings, start taking care of you.<br />
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Love and hugs,<br />
KFC

D,<br />
Although this was a difficult and horrific weekend for you ---YOU made it! YOU did it!.....Yes it is a crappy feeling that your husband is a self centered idiot but you have come so very far on your journey, please do not let him ruin all the progress that you have made---<br />
As far as the kids----they love you! Just you being there to witness and share their special time with them will mean more to them than any financial contribution!<br />
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Stay strong D you can make it through this----

I am so sorry for you and there are many here who I am sure feel the same. Those of us in longer marriages stay in them in a kind of limbo, half expecting things to improve and others just compromising their lives because of children or lack of financial options. <br />
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Like you in this particular instance come to a time when we can see things as they really are. You have just discovered that your mate of many years has been what he probably always was , a callous, self serving man with little or no regard for you or your feelings. You have allowed yourself , apparently for years , and probably unknowingly, allowed him to make you nothing more than his doormat. I cannot believe that his recent attitude has been an over night phenomena.<br />
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I honestly believe that you should have taken action on this years ago, but it is never too late to do so. I personally would prefer living a life in lonely seclusion that live i an environment where there appears to be utter disregard for you..<br />
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Again I feel very sorry for your plight and I wish only a better and brighter married future for your children than the one they were born into.

Common decency tells us that the person we are married to should be concerned for our safety. Even strangers have some compassion for others. I do not know what I would have done if not for my friend's concern for me? This might sound a bit dramatic but he probably saved my life that night! I had actually reached the point where I felt numb inside. I kept praying for strength just so I could make it home.

I now realize that I can expect nothing from my husband as to my safety. Just another example of how this marriage has fallen apart. Today I am exhausted. My nerves are shot. Too much is mounting up here and I really do not know how much more of this I can go through? If I was financially able to do so, I would have packed my truck, got my dog, and left my house and drove to stay with friends. Then took some time to figure out where to go from there?<br />
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Both of my children are getting married this year. I am having a hard time feeling any joy about these events. I want to contribute to their weddings and can't financially do that. To be at these weddings and act like my marriage is happy and to put on a front for people will be hard. I will manage to do this for my children. <br />
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I consider myself a strong woman but also realize that everyone has their breaking point. I have been very quiet at home. Am trying to find some peace of mind for the time being. Accept what it is that I cannot change and have patience but it is getting harder. I just hope I can hold together until I can get out of here for good. Thank you for your concern.

So sorry to hear about your horrible experience. Thank God you had a friend who was caring enough to be there for you.<br />
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For all the problems we are having, I know my husband cares about my safety. I appreciate that more now...