Over 1 Year and Counting

Well where do I begin, my wife of 9 years (been together for 16) has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically. Last June she asked me if I could give her "space" and that she needed to be alone for 2-3 months. I was fortunate enough to have a great friend who let me stay with him. During this time we went to marriage counseling and proceeded to go on dates once a week. In our third session my wife was asked what she wanted to do, her reply was "I really want to be alone".  With that statement my jaw hit the ground for we have a good relationship, great house, great kids, we own a small business together and besides the physical intimacy we get along great, so as you can imagine this was a total shock to me. We agreed to take it one day at a time, well 7 months has passed and we are no closer to re-kindling the passion. We live together but are separated. We do nothing together.

I truly believe in love and I love my wife like no other. I think my wife is going through Mid Life crisis for she has done many things to substaniate my theory. For instance, a new sports car, breast lift, tatoo, belly button ring, joined a gym, lost weight are just a few to mention.  I totally love the improvements but I would've loved the "old" her as well.  When I questioned her about these improvements she told me that she did these things for herself not anybody else.

I know what most of you are thinkng because I thought the same thing, she's having an affair, well , I'm not proud of this but I hired a private detective for 1 month. I was relieved when he told me that your wife is not seeing anybody else. She goes to work, the Gym , grocery shopping and the mall.

So now I'm really at a loss, I can't grab onto the theory of I want to be alone for no apparent reason. I treat her like a queen, I don't do drugs, I don't abuse(mentally or physically) I think I'm an all around good guy whose desperately seeking the female touch and I don't know what to do about it.   Any help would be appreciated

 

 

mmpack1 mmpack1
46-50
5 Responses Mar 18, 2009

This is a hard one. It could be me, other then the boob job, car, tatoo, etc. Which frankly I could overlook, those are symptoms. She's reaching for validation or something. <br />
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For me, it was a long time coming. I'm tired of the lack of intimacy, we aren't connected. I'm ready to give up the "good life" for at least a chance at legitimacy. I want a real relationship.<br />
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You guys aren't communicating. You need to get to the bottom of this. A good counselor will at least open up the lines of communication. Talk to her. Find out what she wants. What is looking for? She's desperate for something, what is it? At least she isn't sleeping around, that's got to be of some comfort to you. But she needs something that she isn't getting. Find out what that is.

I think she may be "moving on" emotionally, even though you are still living together...<br />
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I agree with kungfuchic...<br />
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All the best...

Have you ever asked her WHY she wants to be alone? I enjoy my alone time too but not on a full time bases. Try doing things together; plan something fun, if she likes shopping maybe meet her for lunch at the mall? Or surprise her with something. Anything to "remind" her you are still very much alive in her life. I would give her more time. It does not show from your post WHY she wants this distance. If it is not a deal breaker reason, I would bear and grin a bit longer, especially since you say you love her. Be patient.

Dear M: This is a tough one. My brother is going through something similar. I'm not blaming, but think back in time, did you do anything to hurt, betray, or break her?<br />
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Typically, woman leave their marriages when there is someone else, or when they just reach a point of no return. <br />
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I am sorry that you are going through this. Maybe you should stop treating her like a princess and start making changes to you. Start dressing up, buy some new clothes, join a gym, go out at night. Let her start worrying about who and what is getting your attention. <br />
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Don't invest or waste a lot of time trying to change her mind. You have to change yourself. My mother said to me a long time ago, I don't want anyone who doesn't want me. <br />
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Hugs

Sorry to say this, but I have personally never seen a case among all my friends and acquaintances over the years where this scenario didn't wind up in divorce. I don't mean to sound harsh on this and I hope I am wrong in your case , but this story is not all that unique. <br />
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I have had many affairs with women over the years who simply for one reason or another fall out of love with their spouses. Most because they think they have missed out on some important phase of their lives and began to feel the aging process more acutely.<br />
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Further the current moral compass in this country and the world at large has gone askew and this has not helped either., Hollywood's perspective on what married life could be subliminally undercuts the long standing precepts of marriage and commitments. I am not saying that your wife has been affected by any of this but I feel sure that it can happen.<br />
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If your wife thus far hasn't had an affair I do think one may been in the offing or as much as I hate to say this, I wonder if she has developed a long suppressed bi-curious nature as well.<br />
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I know that these are merely suppositions on my part but again from experience I have seen all of this happen.<br />
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I do feel for you and know how uncomfortable you must be because of your great affection for her, but do prepare yourself for some tough emotional times ahead.<br />
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Best of luck..........