Wish I Had It All

I met my husband 15 1/2 years ago. I was a single parent and was not looking for a husband again. We started as friends, he was generous and showed caring for my children too. When we advanced to more than friends, all I could think was WOW. He was generous and attentive. The frequency was not as often as we both would have liked, I would leave my kids with a baby sitter and we would go on dates and then go to his house.

I thought when I moved in and we got married the frequency would increase. It did not. Neither one of us wanted more kids (he has 2 wonderful sons) so the frequency still did not increase, but it was still at least once a week and very good.

I thought that once I was fixed the frequency would increase since there was not the fear of having more kids. I was wrong. Little things were no longer there too. He no longer wanted to share deep kisses, it became more pecks.

As kids have grown up and moved out I thought woohoo, now we'll see some action, boy was I wrong, it regressed from once a week to once a month to once a year, and now nothing. I have gained weight and lost weight and gained it and now working on losing it again. I keep thinking what am I doing wrong? What change do I need to do to have him notice and desire me again?

I have lurked on here and read others sorrows and been able to relate so well. I joke (kind of bitterly) that he shows more affection for the dog, that he now kisses the dog goodnight and gives me a pat on the head. I try to keep cheerful, and try not to let the bitterness show, but sometimes I can't take it anymore and let the sarcasm out. I try and turn it around and joke that we need to have sex every day until we have a baby. I don't know how to let him know that I miss the intimacy with him, every time I have tried, he blames me, and says that I got him used to the lack of frequency when we were dating.

Seeing others going through the same thing makes me feel not as alone, so Thank you.

sixand0 sixand0
46-50, F
10 Responses Mar 19, 2009

Thank you long run. It took me a while to realize that. I am now living alone... I packed a suitcase and left. It has been very freeing for me.

I can't believe you posted this so long ago..<br />
<br />
Hugs,<br />
<br />
james<br />
atlanta

time 2 role play,<br />
VERY WELL SAID, my friend, very well said. Sad but true.<br />
:(

the truth is we all live your life in 1 way or another. there is no tip or trick that we can give you that will make your spouse all of a sudden start wanting sex. as for the most common answer on here besides I understand is, leave,cheat,**********. sorry to be so blunt but im a straight to the point kind of person.

I know this is an old post, but it's so similar to mine. Same background -- each were married before. Sex never great or frequent, but easier before I had doubts about why he married. Now, 20 years later, sex only when I verbally request it, which I've stopped doing. Seems I can stay more detached emotionally without it. I'm in perpetual limbo...

You sound like a sweet person so I will give you an E_Hug right now____________________(Consider yourself hugged.) I know its not like a real hug but I do feel your pain. I know what its like. It's funny when I was a young man all I wanted was sex but now I miss the hugs and kisses.

I have tried to make advances myself, I keep thinking maybe he feels I am rejecting him, that I am missing signals. It gets harder and harder to try to initiate anything. One time (It was years ago and still stings) he flat out told me he likes to be the aggressor, that by me taking the lead made it to easy, "like fishing in a barrel".

yes we the denied of the groups are DEFINITELY THE PROBLEMS in the eyes of our loved denier. <br />
<br />
SO I PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE TO HAVING A LARGER NEED FOR INTIMACY AND SEX THAN MY denying spouse.<br />
<br />
I am sorry dear, that you do not have a drive equal to mine and that you see me as the BAD guy that is a sex maniac. Sorry you can not see to meet ANY of my needs even in the smallest way. Sorry again, I hope some day your old sex drive cranks up like it was 5 years ago, then maybe you will see what you have done to your loving spouse. <br />
<br />
There it is said once again, this time in public. <br />
<br />
(Now why do I not feel any better or think anything will change?) <br />
<br />
My day for sarcasm and venting, so I do feel better.<br />
<br />
cs

Oh turning the tables and blaming the refusee! Been there -- just heard that it was MY fault we hadn't been having sex for 20+ years because I stopped asking after 10+ years of mostly rejections. Color me confused, if she wanted it, couldn't she have asked ME? Even ONCE??

Look in the mirror ever day and repeat, "It's not me, it's not me, it's not me..." until you believe it.