Is One Sided Sex Better Than No Sex?

My marriage is not sexless, but the interest in sex is one sided. I am curious if those of you who are going without sex have the option of sex with a disinterested partner. I don't feel wrong to expect sex from my wife even if I can tell that she rather not. I would of course love to have a relationship where feelings were mutual. What do other people speculate about when they lay awake in the early morning hours and try to figure this all out. I have wondered if my wife is a closet lesbian, or an asexual. I wonder if her sexual aversion stems from her being a control freak. I think that the loss of control you feel during sex would be unpleasant to her. What confuses me most is that she can acheive ****** with self stimulation but she never does this without my coaxing. Does anyone have any thoughts on any of this?

foolsrushin foolsrushin
51-55
12 Responses Mar 19, 2009

well have you guys been fighting in your relationship lately of is there some kind of rough patch you're both going through maybe i suggest giving her a soothing massage before sex to sooth her maybe she needs the foreplay to be more gradual you could try kissing her body find out where she likes being kissed french kissing her body would be a good one i think have you asked her if there may be a specific reason why she feels uncomfortable with it then take it from there maybe you need a certain time of the week that you could take her out on a romantic date suggest a walk holding hands in a nature setting or something like that and an exercise regiment during the week might help too fitter men are more attractive than the less fitter just take it from me and your new found vitality will be more of a turn on to her maybe some hot new jocks wouldn't go astray either just a few suggestions i wish you all the best many blessings and good luck cheers

Foolsrushin<br />
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Don't want to come off as harsh but if you want to leave no stones unturned in your search for "why"... <br />
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Maybe your style of loving isn't working for her .. maybe more time is needed to discover what will arouse her??? Maybe the fact that you don't care if she enjoys it or not, it is your right as a husband, comes through and so she too treats it as a duty, a chore. Possibly its time to consider your technique and approach if you really want her to WANT it and want it with YOU. <br />
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I have no information to suggest this is true in your case but sometimes we make things more complicated than they are. It iis not uncommon for women to like sex but have issues with their husband / lover .. and women are cautious about criticizing a mans manliness. (There are many articles on this in the general press on relationships and sexual issues). <br />
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Good luck!!

LOL! You're right, that would be difficult...

To Orange Hair, I agree sex with a disinterested partner is like having sex with a breathing toy, but it is very life like, and easier to explain to the children than a inflatable doll.

The only time we had any touching or sexual contact in my house was when he wanted it, maybe 4 times per year (6 if I was lucky). The encounters were always one sided (his side). If he tried stimulating me and I didn't reach ****** in 3 minutes, I was responsible for making myself happy. There was no oral sex ever. I took care of him; however, any way he wanted. I would say one sided, bad sex, is just as bad as no sex. In the end you feel like **** no matter how you slice it.

Type your comment here...

Years ago when i was still trying to have a sex life, my wife would give in and it was very humilating for me. I knew it would have to stop when I did what I have only heard of women doing, I faked an ******. It was than that I decided it was not worth it. After that i would help her to achieve her personal sexual goal and later after she went to sleep achieve mine through self stimulation. So yea bad sex in my opion is more harmful to ones personal psyce and the self fullfilling fantasy in your own mind can help you feel somewhat better.

Well orangehair, my comments would be much more helpful if I actually had some answers! But, unfortunately, I don't.

Wonderful comments from Lyrn4 and Zorbas! Thought provoking, which I'm afraid I've been trying to avoid with my own situation. But I do agree that passion is necessary with sex, or sex is just ************ with a breathing "toy". I don't want to ever be used that way or use someone else that way. As far as pleasing a woman - yes, foreplay! Even the word "foreplay" should be changed - as though sex is only about penetration, and anything else doesn't count. I am really glad you all have written - I have so much to learn here. Thank you all!

I'm in a similar situation Foolsrushin. A while back I posted as story titled "Is bad sex better than no sex?" In my opinion, no it isn't, simply because with no sex, you at least have hope. With bad sex, you lose all hope.<br />
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I guess I can say I'm "lucky" that I'm not as deprived as many on this site. I get to have sex sometimes as much as twice a month, and at worst only have to go two to three months without. In fact, I feel guilty compared to some who report going years without. However, when my wife and I do have sex it is an emotionless physical activity that she does to release sexual tension. No bonding, no passion, no love; just mechanical lifeless sex to reach ****** as quickly and as efficiently as possible. No foreplay, no cuddling before or after, just get it done and over with.<br />
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The problem is, that is what my wife sees sex as--just a physical act to scratch a physical itch, and she has that itch rarely. She cannot fathom the idea of sex as an ex<x>pression of love and devotion. Passion is outside her realm. Desire yes, passion no. She doesn't understand the concept of passion.<br />
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Worse yet, she is more than happy to have me please her in as many inventive ways as I can think of, yet in return, nothing. She simply offers her body for missionary intercourse. This emotionless sex is akin to ************ using her body, and leaves me just as empty. Actually more empty. Passionate intimacy often leads to a wonderful night's sleep. Yet our "encounters" leave me lying sleepless for hours as I consider how horrible that experience just was.<br />
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No, I don't think one-sided sex is better than no sex.

Not all women can achieve ******* with vaginal penetration alone. Many prefer stimulation of the clitoris and the external area. Therefore extended foreplay is of the utmost importance.<br />
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I do understand and have great empathy for your plight here. Having sex, as I understand this scenario, with a woman merely going through the motions as sense of duty is very ego deflating. Personally I would prefer under those circumstances to leave it to my hand and leave her to own devices.<br />
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It may well be my Utopian image of marriage being two people of kindred souls and bodies entwined in an embrace of total intimacy that I have sought and seldom found that blinds me a bit to reality. <br />
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Your situation I suspect is common but thanks to you it is the first time this has been brought to light on this forum. This subject could be a blog in itself.<br />
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Your thought that she may have bi sexual tendencies may have some validity for this is not uncommon of late. I have had several friends over the years whose wives have announced their wishes here and several have adjusted their lives to this successfully an two other got divorced. <br />
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In any case, it is nice to have you aboard with the rest of this motley crew and hope that somehow we can support you in some constructive way.<br />
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I am most interested in what some of the comments will be to this. Thank you bringing it to our attention.<br />
It may not solve your problems but brings a new wrinkle to th discussion here.<br />
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Your situation intrigue me no end.

I guess if I pushed it I could have sex, but I really doubt I'd enjoy it. I am planning on lots of self stimulation. She actually said she would feel bad if she knew I was doing that because it would mean she doesn't satisfy me... uh, huh???