Becoming Numb and Number

In reading all of your posts just now, I found this gentleman's comment to really hit home with me.  I'm a woman, used to be a very beautiful, sexy woman prior to this sexlessness, age 49, and have been in a basically sexless relationship, not married but living together, for ten years already.  His post said, "Life is duller, happiness elusive, relationships with everyone more guarded, and self recrimination abounds after years of isolation."  Yes, yes and yes.  I completely feel this, the dullness, the guardedness, the ISOLATION I feel is just becoming unbearable, and it's gotten so bad, that I don't even know how to reach out to another man, even though I dream of having an affair CONSTANTLY!  I've lost so much confidence.  My self-esteem is flaggering.  I went from being a very beautiful and desired by men woman 10 years ago, to having gained 40 lbs, and looking depressed all the time, especially over the last 2 years when it got the worst it has ever been.

Two years ago we nearly went bankrupt, because wasn't doing his fair share financiallyl or sexually, so we separated for a summer.  We only got back together for financial reasons when he got his job scene back together, but of course I was hoping he had missed me, and things would be better.  I was a fool.  Very shortly into this, I began perusing websites for 'cheaters' to find my lover.  Yeah right.  I found I am in no shape to have a lover...I've completely lost touch with my sexuality.  But, the thought of it was keeping me pretty happy.

Then I met a man at work.   He was goodlooking, and married, and we were instantly attracted.  He flirted with me from the get go.  So, after a few months of this, I found out he did odd jobs for people at their homes.  So, I set up to have my leaves raked when my sexless disinterested partner was away.  The sparks were flying..... I couldn't wait for Saturday morning for him to arrive.  And arrive he did, drressed as if he were going out on a date with me, clearly to impress me, but brought his 10 year old daughter along as a chaperone.  :(  Then, he overcharged me for the job!!!  I felt really hurt, and dropped the idea.

Months again went by, and he began the flirting once again, leading me on, me thinking he was really going to act on it this time.  So, I sent him another email, like before, asking him if he could come over soon to do some made up task.......but weeks went by with NO REPLY.  And again, he dissappeared on me.  When I saw him again, I asked if he had gotten my email, and he acted terribly cold, and irritated, and said, he doesn't always get back to email all that fast.  He was a different person.

I was crushed.  I started doing this emotional eating thing that I've never done in my whole life.  I felt I had no reason to diet or work out or dress nicely anymore because it was just creating more heartache for me to look good, and attract attention that further frustrated me, and no matter what, I just felt like a giant loser, I felt ugly because of him and because of my sexless partner. Talk about a double whammy.  I was grieving inside, with no one to talk to, and gaining 2 lbs. a month.  Food was my only friend, and I was really really dieing inside. 

Yes, the isolation.  And now, the dullness and the numbness setting in. I can't seem to find anything that interests me.  I have dreams night after night about one imaginary lover or another, (love when I dream about David Cook! lol) but I wake up sad when I realize it was a dream.  I went from being a vibrant, beautiful, THIN, sexy woman who enjoyed regular fun exciting sex, to THIS.  I mean, I'm not so ugly...I look in the mirror, and I still see the old me...but this has aged me.  When I first met that man I was speaking of, people guessed my age 10 or 15 years younger than I really was.  Now, .... I don't get second looks from men anymore.  Now, I look my age.  I feel my age.  I feel so much resentment for all the missing years of sex. 

It's gotten so we don't have sex more than 2 or 3 times a year, if I'm lucky.  I have to find a lover to keep myself alive, and interested in life, and I'm not doing myself any favors by gorging on choc chip cookies and potato chips, but I just can't stop.  I don't have what it takes to deprive myself of everything that I enjoy.  So, his sexlessness has become MY problem, and it's a big, heavy problem that is ruining my happiness and most likely my health, and certainly my happiness and wellbeing.

I keep asking the Universe for a solution, a miracle, a new relationship, an affair, something.  This is a very painful situation. Thanks for listening...I know you all understand the lonliness, the frustration, the boredom, the lackluster life that I'm leading.

astralgirl32 astralgirl32
14 Responses Mar 19, 2009

ever hear this,,,,, there are 3 kinds of sex,,,1 first married "house sex"" everywhere couch floor, tables,,kitchen etc,, #2 bedroom sex,, after kids sex confined to bedrooms when kids ar sleeping,, #3 after kids are gone many years,,, "hallway sez" pass each other in the hall,,, give each other the finger and say **** you !!,, john in colo

Please Astralgirl do not get married. It will only get worse.You have no idea the pain...the heart ache many of us in here are going through...on a daily basis. It never goes away...just gets worse...

Furthermore where do you get off with all your almighty 'predictions' about where my life will lead as if you know it all....are you really THAT all knowing? Wow! I wish I could say I'm impressed. Sounds like you've got a lot of pent up anger towards your own situation, and let's just keep it there, and not direct it in my direction anymore, ok?!

I'm not sure why you jump to the conclusion I'm not ready to hear 'the' truth, 'your' truth when I'm clearly here on this website looking for some insights. And the TRUTH is there is not just ONE answer for this, and you don't know EVERYTHING that has gone on with me in the last 2 years, or 10 years, or 20 years of my life, so I have a hard time with your very self righteous reply.

It sounds to me like you are not ready to hear the truth. It's okay. I have been there myself. Millions of friends and peple told me he was all wrong for me, but I did not want to listen. I am going to give you my 2cents anyway.<BR><BR>Firstly, if you can't stop eating, get your butt to Overeaters Anonymous and start attending meetings as often as possible. You will find love, support and your confidence in those rooms. They saved my life many years ago.<BR><BR>Secondly, If you marry this man, you will cheat on him over and over again. You will live a lonely, wounded, unhappy life. You will blame him. Think seriously about what you are doing. Do you want to be a cheating wife? I only speak from experience. I had to leave my marriage, because that's what I had become. Why put both of you through that. It's not worth it. Face your fears now before you take that oath before God, Family and friends to love, cherish, etc.<BR><BR>I married a man knowing exactly what you know now, that I was not happy. I believed he would change in time. I believed that my love was strong enough to see him through and that one day he would love me and want me. You know in some small way I still pray for that, but the reality is, "Aint gonna happen".<BR><BR>I know I'm being harsh, but I think most of us here on this site just want to save those of you out there, who have not yet made the mistake of marrying into a sexless marriage. Please think long and hard.<BR><BR>Best of luck<BR>KFC

Good comments have been written here for you.<br />
We understand because we walk the walk<br />
The first thing you have to do is LISTEN to what advice you are being given by those who are in similar situations. <br />
We talk from our hearts and souls<br />
Lexi is right ... the weight will come off once you are at peace with yourself... you have to do this for yourself, not for another man ... <br />
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Don't know if you remember the song "Garden Party" by Ricky Nelson ....<br />
by talking with us here on EP, by taking your own needs into your own hands, by believing in yourself .. you can change your life for the better ... <br />
Make wise decisions based on your facts, not on emotions ... infatuation is beautiful, but can also be deadly ... we build up a person because we have the need for the person to be that to us" ... some people will take advantage of our weaknesses to make themselves feel better .. Beware of these people ... they are out there.<br />
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The answers are inside of you .... a therapist can bring these feelings out if you are willing to work at being yourself. There is no greater feeling in the world than CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF ..<br />
Blessings and Hugs

Understand it is just your sense of being appreciated as a woman that has been hurt. I’ve been there, too. <br />
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Start from today taking care of yourself. You have come first for only then can you care for others. Find yourself and your will find your strength. Get healthy and good feelings - nourish yourself with exercise, nutrition, sleep, friends and positive people. Find hobbies you love, find things that engage you. Sounds so basic but it is "the" foundation. <br />
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No need to make rash movement with your husband. If you are seeking intimacy outside of that be clear on what you expect. Is it to bond/be appreciated as the beautiful person you are? That is very different than no-strings-attached sex. Know yourself and what will help and what will hurt your soul and self-esteem. It sounds like the attraction to this guy hurt you in part because he was careless with your emotions (which is understandable since there was no relationship of any sort to base it on). Me, I need connection and some level of a relationship as part of the deal. But I understand others need physical touch and release more than anything. No judgment. <br />
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Good luck!

Hi JacquesPierre, Thank you for your post. YES, now you are on the same track that I've been thinking along. The trouble is, I can't see my way to it YET. I just don't think jumping ship on this guy is the way to do it because I've seen numerous people go from the fire to the frying pan with relationships. But, where does one find the wellbeing and confidence, etc...that's what I'm actually searching for by being here, and reaching out to others who are in sexless relationships. How do we keep this from bringing us down? That's mostly a retorical question. I think it's a journey, there are no perfect relationships..... and people are so quick to make them disposable. I really don't WANT to leave him..... my self-esteem is far from being in the 'toilet' as someone put it, but my self-esteem in my own womanhood has clearly depended on a MAN all my life. I'm sure this is a spiritual lesson, and I'll be grateful for it eventually if I can find my way through it........

Dear Astral:<br />
The first thing that you have to understand is that happiness does not come from those around us, it comes from within. Your situation is certainly one that a great number of people can sympathise with, however you need to regain your sense of well being and confidence in who you are not defined by your live in roommate. Once you regain you inner peace and strength, you will once again become happy and find it much easier to loose those extra pounds. A confident, happy woman will find her choosing of men in which to fulfill her sexual fantasies and desires.

I think I "get it". But you might not like what I would like to tell you. 1. You don't sound happy with him and 2. From your post it seems that you do not have kids with him. Because of these two, I say Do NOT marry him. If I were you I would run. RUN from a sexless life with no strings attached really.<br />
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Don't worry about the weight, it will come off easily once your inner self is more relaxed, once you find some spark in your life. Take care of our heart first. I have never looked better than when I was happily involved with effort whatsoever in keeping a slim figure. It must be the feel good hormones or something... I keep a healthy weight now because I am scared of health problems. <br />
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That other guy: so not worth it. First of all, because he is married. That right there should stop you. You deserve your own man, not someone else’s leftovers. <br />
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lol, I have dreams too....but it's mostly people I know. It sucks to wake up sometimes :-)

You know, I guess what I didn't properly explain is that my overall self-esteem, for my job, for my hobbies, etc, is just fine. But my self-esteem as a woman has taken a dive over the last couple of years. I'm pretty sure that my sig. other or any other man is NOT the answer to my happiness; however, sex and the emotional connection it brings, would increase my overall happiness. The lack of sexual connection does have a way of taking over by dampening enthusiasm for everything else just the same as a great sexual experience can make you smile all the next day or all the next week or month. After 10 years of this relationship, the last 2 being the worst sexually speaking, I can't justify ending it just because of this, nor can I see staying in it as it is for another 10 years, wondering how fat I might be then. Or, who knows, maybe I'll be super thin because one of those lovers from my dreams will appear in the physical and I'll no longer crave jumk food as a sex substitute like I'm doing now. Please, people, don't be cruel about this in your comments. I thought I'd make some friends here who would really 'get it', and not give me pat advice.

I got married, after years of living together, the last two before the marriage sexless...<br />
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Looking back after seven sexless years... I realize that he married as some weird way of making up for not having sex with me.<br />
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Or, because he realized that since sex was no longer an issue for him that he might as well marry since the Miss Perfect blonde with big boobs wasn't going to come along after all.<br />
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Stop wasting your time... Both of you. If you both want sexless marriages - go ahead. Chances are truly excellent that is what you will get.

Hard to believe, but he's in the process of buying me a RING right now, like you, we're actually planning to get married. We're best friends. We have tons of stuff together. We have dog children together. I do love him, I know he loves me, even if he's not into sex. On the rare occasion we have sex, it's GREAT and I can tell he's really into me, and really expresses himself to me. He's a nice guy. And yea, I don't care for being poor or totally alone..... I'm compromising alot. I appreciate your comments. I had to laugh at how ironic your post was!! lol

I know finances are an issue, but is there any other reason you're living together? Any reason you don't just leave? Or perhaps get it out in the open that you're just friends, and then you can really begin to date again? I'm kind of in the same boat - but we're supposed to be getting married in June, so I guess I'm sure not one to offer any advice, lol!