Just Feeling Sorry For Myself - That's All

Yes I live in a sexless 'marriage'.  And I am in control of how it could/would turn out.  Yet I wallow in pity for myself.  And I wallow in indecision.

 I am a semi independant woman (well....financially independant, but not emotionally independant) but find I cannot move forward in the direction I want.  Perhaps I mean in the direction I need.  And that would mean breaking up with my current partner.  God knows I've tried to be intimate with him - both physically and emotionally.  But I've finally come to the conclusion that he simply does not have it within himself to participate in a mature intimate relationship. 

It would be fairly easy to move on if we were constantly bickering.  But we get along well.  Like a brother and sister.   And I suppose that some couples are fine with that.  For me, who always seems to be looking for more, it just doesn't cut it to be simply in a friendly but sterile relationship.

Thanks for letting me rant.  Sending best wishes to all....

zaj17 zaj17
46-50, F
10 Responses Mar 19, 2009

Astragirl posted a comment on my story - I just wanted to say that the comment hit the nail on the head for me - it was said well - "painfully nonintimate". So true.<br />
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Any and all 'solutions' to this problem aren't really solutions at all. They're enormous compromises. <br />
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The one 'solution' that I keep coming back around to in my mind is to leave this guy. My personality disorder is what is holding me back. This enormous fear of being alone. If I were able to get over that hump, which is nothing more than an emotional blockade, then I know I could move swiftly to get him out.

if i could find a partner and run away,, john in colorado

my "marriage mirror image"... She is exactly like that, I buy her sexy lingerie, drop hints because I get tired of coming on, stay in great shape, and have women let me know they are available- desireable women, and I end up ************ and wishing I could touch another warm body, but can't bring myself to do it to her. You are not alone, my dear!

I completely understand your dilemma as you tell my story in your own. I'm sorry for the pain I know you are feeling. I also know what it's like to live like bro/sis. it's painfully nonintimate, although comfortable. We don't fight either...we are highly compatible...we're best friends,......... but I need the missing link. What does your counselor say about adding 'enhancement' to you life via a lover? I'm sure you must've come upon that as a thought or solution at one time or another, even if fleeting, or even if obsessively?

Dear fellow sufferers, I hope to report back with a positive story one of these days. I am thinking of you all and send warm wishes to you. xxoo

I am also in the same situation nowadays.But in the past we have enjoyed a lot of sex.I cannot do it with my wife because she gets cut on that portion and suffers a lot afterwords.As I am not a rapist,I cannot enjoy sex when my partner is suffering from it.

Zaj17, <br />
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Seems you have found the right sight/community, welcome, though wish you had no need to be here. <br />
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One thing that struck me is that you are "in control of how it would/could turn out". I too often feel that way. I feel like I’m contemplating, considering, thinking, weighing the options before deciding. Ah, the problem with that is (so my counselor tells me repeatedly) is you think you have all the information. Should however your spouse have insight into your thinking and you converse with them, well they may say some surprising things. It may open unforeseen options. I think this advice has some value or I wouldn’t be sharing it … not suggesting miracles happen but when in a relationship it requires two voices (if willing) for full understanding. <br />
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Good luck!

wow, your story so sounds like my own experience. It's like I'm living with a bigger, crabbier and meaner older sister. I'm not sure what to do

I totally understand...I honestly thought I was the only one in the world and didn't even realize that women could be going through the same challenge. Why is it we hang on though? I don't get it

I empathize with your brother and sister act because I have the same act at my house. Marriage is not suppose to be platonic -- as a mature woman, you have every right to complain about your lack of intimacy ... you deserve happiness instead of a sterile relationship, as you so honestly phase it.<br />
We wait all our lives to be grown up thinking that it's gong to magical and so satisfying ... some of us even "saved ourselves for marriage" ... how is that working for us ... well it stinks ... the clock is ticking and it's not going to get any better ... unless all refusers suddenly get bitten by a giant Love Bug that will make them vulnerable to our sensual personalities and fall into "sexual bliss" with us -- I sincerely believe this can go on til the end of time. <br />
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So I don't have an answer but I do offer condolences and extend my empathy for your current marriage situation.<br />
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"Pick Yourself Up ... Dust Yourself Off .. Start All Over Again" Your life is well worth making it a happier place to be ... God speed to you!