I Didnt Sign Up For This!

my wife and i have been married for 4 years and we have had sex once in the last 18 months. This has all but destroyed our marriage. i still love my wife very much and she says she loves me but there is no intimacy between us whatsoever.she says she would be quite happy if she never had sex again and she openly declares that she doesnt want things to change and is not open to seeking help in any form no matter how much it is hurting me. many men would have gone elsewhere by now but i cannot do that..i love my wife too much, even though she has given me 'permission' to go elsewhere for some intimacy if it would make me feel better. she is the only woman i want to be with and i am incredibly attracted to her. but having said that, i am human, and to me having meaningful sex with the person you love and have chosen to spend the rest of your life with is the most beautiful experience a person can have. there is no light at the end of the tunnel here so maybe its time to take the advice of my close friends and family..and leave!

Philbz Philbz
4 Responses Mar 20, 2009

If she truly gave you "permission" take advantage of it. Maybee when your gone She'll realize how foolish the "permission" was. Then again you might find someone who truly cares about all of your emotions!

Unfortunately, over time, all the love and devotion you feel now will become tainted by anger and resentment. Not things to build a marriage on.<br />
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There are no easy answers, nor are there any painless ones that don't include some sacrifice. <br />
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Keep reading and writing here. There are lots of great people who will listen and at least make you feel not so alone.<br />
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My best<br />

I agree with much of what you say chloe56, but I don't think therapy is the answer. Philbz made it clear his wife doesn't want to change. Therapy doesn't have a chance of helping if all parties involved don't want to change.<br />
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Unfortunately, I see only three viable options Philbz:<br />
1) Accept you will be sexless for life and stay in the marriage.<br />
2) Find a lover outside the marriage.<br />
3) End the marriage.

you have obviously been really hurt by your wife's rejection. i am also in a sexless marriage. my husband has never really shown any interest in me in that way, even though i know he loves me immensely in other ways (we have an otherwise wonderful marriage). so i know how you feel. it hurts like hell. i really don't think that our partners really understand the pain and damage they cause to us: if they understood what it feels like and realised the harm they cause they would certainly try to change.<br />
maybe you can get your wife to go with you to a therapist. it may be difficult for you to get her to accept this idea and that is why you should maybe tell her that you are in emotional pain and that your self-image has been devasted and that you need proffessional help and that you need her to help you get through this pain. she might go with you for counselling if she feels that she will be helping you and that you are not out to place all the blame on her. this is going to require that you be "the better person" and eat humble pie even though you know that she has the issues. the fact is that she really needs therapy: it is not normal to have no sex drive for your partner. it is a real, valid problem, which has devasting effects on your psyche and on your relationship. her issues may be psychological and/or medical and they need to be addressed by a proffessional. that is why you should find a therapist who specialises in sexual problems. since the problem may also be medical, a psychiatrist would be best. call your medical provider and ask for a recommendation.<br />
you owe it to yourself. you need to do everything you possibly can now to remedy this situation, or your relationship (which still sounds relatively good) may not survive in the years to come. <br />
good luck Philbz!