Now I Know How It Feels to Lose All Desire.

Some of my friends on ep have noticed that I've been a bit miserable lately. I tried hiding behind the jokes in my blog, but recently I've disappeared somewhat, because I've been concentrating on my life at home. This is an update.

It's been a quiet couple of months between us. Just stepped back a little, give some space to see how I felt. Over the last few days, I've been more positive, trying to reintroduce some intimacy into our relationship. It led to a couple of horrible refusals; I say 'horrible' because I took them rather badly, and found it extremely difficult to continue. But I persevered.

Last night, I was feeling quite bouncy. Happens to me occasionally; I go a bit bonkers after too much coffee, or when I am excessively enthusiastic about something. It is virtually impossible to make me feel negative about anything when I'm like this... anyway, I start to joke about with my wife. She's infected by my good humour, and we have a bit of a giggle. I suppose I was flirting with her, and she agreed to 'have an early night'.

Her skin was like ice when she got into bed. I did my dutiful 'hot-water bottle' thing, gave her back a rub. Now she normally lies pretty still when I'm doing this, but last night I thought she had actually fallen asleep. No, still awake, because she said "It's getting late; get some oil."

I sort-of ignored this, and started the 'caressing' thing... nothing. She simply lay there unresponsive.

"Twenty-to twelve, just get the oil."

I can't do this all by myself. I ask her if she's tired.

"Mmm. A bit. Just get the oil..."

My desire drains away, and I just feel tired. Flop onto my back and tell her bluntly that I won't, that I CAN'T 'perform', with her just lying there waiting for me to 'hurry up'. She doesn't answer, just lies with her back to me.

"It's too one-sided. I can't do this all on my own..."

She does turn to me; we each say to the other "I love you", but I'm not sure what that means right now. Certainly, I feel absolutely no desire. If she took me right then and grabbed me passionately, I'm not sure I could have responded.

So this is how it feels to be a sexless partner, feeling no desire, no passion.

She promised that we will come to bed extra-early tomorrow. I will try and look forward to it, but there might be stuff on telly which is more interesting than going to bed with her. It honestly feels like the beginning of the end.

The only positive I can think of is that if my needs are gone, then I won't have to numb them with drink. Suppose it will save me five minutes in the shower every morning as well.

Magners Magners
46-50, M
3 Responses Mar 20, 2009

From a woman that has gone through menopause I can say that my sexual desires left me totally. Have girlfriends who had the same experiences when they went through this. The desire for intimacy does come back. If a woman was a sexual being before menopause, she will regain her desire for her partner after she regains her hormonal balance. Discussing this with your family doctor would be a huge help for you both. There are medications that will help you and your wife with your sex life. It is worth looking into. <br />
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Many couples find the time after menopause to be some of the most sexually satisfying of their lives. No more fears of pregnancy and the stress of raising small children. Financial stability and the freedom to take romantic trips concentrating on only each other. <br />
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If you tell your wife how much you want to understand what she is going through and that you love and desire her. That you are willing to seek medical help so that you can fully appreciate her fears and changes during this time, she might surprise you with her willingness to work this out. I hope this helps you both.

Magners,<br />
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I'm glad I'm in my office alone. I almost have tears in my eyes. I despise that feeling of trying as hard as you can, feeling totally open, romantic, and energized ~I think; tonight's the night (!), this will be like the old days, the one that will woo her back into burning for me and from this point going forward, we will be intertwined ~~only to have my wife urge me to get the KY cause she is not really into the moment and more interested in " getting it over with". It feels like the deafening roar of a shotgun blast and as the reverberation trails off, it leaves me feeling cold and lifelessness like a slab of granite.<br />
You'd better address this in no uncertain terms. Be tactful and considerate but, don't hesitate. Absence ( abstinence ) does not make the heart grow fonder! I would suggest maybe a trip to a Dr. for an exam. I am faced with a similar situation as my wife is showing signs of the beginnings of menopause so I can relate ( if that is the case ) Do some reading and educate yourself as well as you can. Cause, no matter what, if she is not currently, at one point she will be. It's a delicate time and the way things were may end up being just that, the way they were. It's a hard pill to swallow but, never the less, the way it is. There is some help available. Look over on Jed Diamond's site. It has plenty of insight in regards to the changes men also go through. That might help you help understand yourself better. <br />
Read on in this forum and make some determination for yourself. There are many stories of varied situations; you may probably identify in some aspect with many. Learn what you can and hang tough.

Magners: I think your inability to perform is due to the pain inside your heart. You are hurting. She hurt you. Making love to her, yeah might be a little difficult, when all this crap is floating around in your head.<br />
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Here's a slap. Now snap out of it! I went back and read some of your stories. Man, it's one thing to try and resusitate, but if your heart isn't in it, you can't force it. You too need to heal. You need to allow that.<br />
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Please don't lose yourself and what's important. <br />
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KFC