Yesterday I was preparing to go to the beach with some friends and family, my husband saw me in my swim suit and got a hard-on (I have lost almost 90 lbs).  Needless to day I was shocked beyond belief but the first thing he said to me was "It's not what you think" and tried to hide it.  So I asked was it me who caused it and he said yes and said I looked good in the suit but he did not act on it.  We have not had sex (actual intercourse) since November 28 and we have only had sex twice in the last 7 years.  I do not understand, he is obviously attracted to me but he didn't act.  WTF!  I am so deprived I want to tie him to the bed but that is not what I want. I want him to want me.  Any suggestions would be great.
towson1969 towson1969
41-45, F
6 Responses Aug 19, 2007

Handcuff him to the bed, better yet slip some Viagra in his food or drink and he will have such a big hard-on he will have no other choice, but to have sex with you and hopefully a Big O to go with it.

What an interesting situation. I would think that with his history of sexual abuse, he might be entirely non-sexual in his manner of relating, but from what you say, it's not that way. I will tell you this: if I had a wife who wanted sex as much as you do, I would do cart wheels down the main thoroughfare! I think at the very least he needs to truly hear, from you or from someone else, that he is avoiding a party that God created just for men like him and women like you. <br />
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I still wonder if he has performance anxieties--about being able to stay erect and to do the deed effectively. Medications like Cialis, or for some men, Viagra or Levitra really do do the trick. <br />
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What would happen if you dressed sexy in public? Would he get jealous and might that lead to a good conversation? And have your tried the sexy negligee and hyperheated atmosophere approach? <br />
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I remain puzzled how a man married to a woman like you could or would avoid being in the sack with you every spare moment. Go figure.

I have to say in his defense that he was sexually abused by his stepfather and neglected by his mother and physically, emotionally and mentally abused by his father so when he came to me he was a basket case, but we have worked through everything except the sexual part and if we get that right life will be GREAT!!! He is overweight but not excessively and I find him sexy as hell. One of the biggest problems that I have with him is he is a tease. He will think nothing of coming in the house and french kissing me and then NOTHING or he will walk around the house naked (this happens daily) or he will rub my breasts in bed and then turn over and go to sleep leaving me so frustrated and mastrubation is just no doing it anymore. He only wants to talk about it when he feels like it (once every 4th full moon). I think I am about at the desperation level and I don't want to beg, but it is coming to that!

Good news and bad news about conselling. It can be very good, if the parties are willing to deal with their stuff. My wife resented my bringing her into counselling, and called it "selfish." The second of two counselors we saw in the past five years, a 200 dollar a shot sex-therapist, told my wife I was a narcissist, which of course may be true. Such things are not rare. However, there was no real attempt to address the fact that my wife had avoided me for 14 years (now 15), and again, the attempt at fixing things only injured them further. <br />
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For our friend Towson1969, I again repeat my assessment that her husband's trouble in the sex department is a problem he is having within himself, and has little if anything to do with her. <br />
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The fact that she was willing to to the beach with a swim suit and that he got a hard on seeing her indicates she is an attractive woman. She is NOT the problem, and if he will not deal with HIS problem she has some decisions to make. She should make no apologies for insisting he get help in this matter--before the marriage is dead. <br />
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I believe mine is already dead sexually--unless and until my wife becomes an ardent initiator in the sex department. I am entirely done being rebuffed. Entirely.

How sad and how amazing. <br />
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You indicate that you were considerably overweight. Is your husband still so, and if so, is he physically self-conscious?<br />
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And by the way, if you want to tie ME to the bed, I'll give you the address! :-)

Believe me, I try to initiate things. I tried that night and he didn't go for it. I am really trying to be patient but it is very hard when I have a high libedo. One time a few years ago he told me he felt like the woman in the relationship so I had to back off because he said he was turned off by me being so forward. Go figure.