I Thought That I Was All Alone

Until today I thought that I was the only one with this problem.  I have been married for 13 years, my husband and I have 5 beautiful children.  Everyone thinks that we have lots and lots of sex and we must right?  We have 5 children, but there are times when I wonder how the hell we have so many because we barely have sex.  And it is not my husbands fault, it is all mine!!!  In the beginning we had sex all the time, it was exciting and always fullfilling.  The sex was one of the reasons that I decided that he was the right one.  I always said that I wanted a complete package, and my husband was it.  We were best friends and the sex was exceptional.  But after the birth of our first child the sex began to happen less and less.  I just didn't want to do it as much.  Then came our second and it got worse and now 5 children later it can get no worse.  We have sex maybe once every 6-9 months.  And I can't explain why, I just don't think about sex and when I do I would rather play with my toys then ask him.  I just don't want to disappoint him by trying and not being able to follow through(that has happened a number of times). It's not that I don't love him or that he does not excite me he does but our relationship has had this issue (and some of the fights have been unforgivably painful) and other issues and it is so hard for me to see past it and have sex with him.  I read that someone in this group said that they felt used after sex so they no longer do it.  Well I feel the same, there is no intimacy in my relationship so sex is not an act of intimacy but just an act.  My husband is offended that I feel this way, he loves me and thinks he is showing me love but there is so much that I need that he does not give me that has nothing to do with sex that sex feels empty.  I know that I have ruined a lot in my relationship.  I am the one who rejected him, I was the one who did not want to hug or kiss or anything.  It was me but I do want to be loved, I want to be cherished, I want to be the center of his world or at least feel like it every now and then but he does not make me feel that way.  And so over time our relationship has eroded we are still really good friends but there is no intimacy because now he tries not to bother me.  I have no idea what happened to my libido, at times it is still there but I don't know what to do with it.  And I usually do not even know how to intiate it.  If there is anyone who can help, I would appreciate it.  I no longer know what to do, I love my husband and I want to stay married but I do not know how to save it.  I also want to maintain my family for my children and I want them to see a good relationship so that they do not end up like me.  There is a lot that I have not added here but I hope that what I have written is enough to get some advice.    
Lexington Lexington
26-30, F
4 Responses Aug 19, 2007

Well, the fault is clearly his. Do you know what happened to the woman who got everything she wanted? She left me.....it will probably happen to him, as well....Your husband needs to tell you that he wants a divorce and joint custody, and neither of you to pay child support. That means both of you work and take care of the kids. Take the money out of the equation from the start, keep the state out of your business. You clearly do not care about his needs, and you both need to find other outlets for your sex, before you both end up involving other people in your marriage. If you two can't have a good marriage, you can have a good divorce. I think you have a pie in the sky outlook on marriage, and no one is going to make you happy till you come back down to earth. How can a man have any passion toward a woman, if he knows she does not want him? Maybe he just needs to assert himself toward you.....If you decide to stay together, you two need to break out of your comfort zone when it comes to sex. Let me know if you need any ideas.......

I feel your pain, but I'm not following some things in your post? I don't know, but i doubt it is uncommon for a woman with five kids to lose some interest in sex, just because of being exhausted,. You say your relationship is without intimacy and that's why you don't feel like having sex, but you also say that in the beginning sex was great. So, was there intimacy in the beginning, or just sex? I ask becasue I know in my own relationship there was sex, and I thought that he would 'learn' to be intimate, etc. but of course he never did. I overlooked all the signs because I wanted to be loved so badly. So here i am in an unfulfilling relationship and yet still afraid to leave it.

Thank you towson1969 and you are not being harsh I ask myself the same questions that you have asked me. I just do not think about hugging or kissing or anything and also I am afraid to give myself to him because I have in the past and it only hurts me. You see when we argue I take it very personal, I feel betrayed and I feel that if I kiss, hug, or make love to him before our argument that he has used me. Our arguments often leave me feeling alone, hurt, and unloved so I think to myself what was the sex was it really love or was he just pleasuring himself. So it is hard for me to open myself up to him and let myself be vunerable, I guess I guard myself so that I don't get hurt but it is really not working because I get hurt anyway. Is love really always so painful? I agree with you about my husband he thinks that I do not care but I do not know how to cherish him without the expectation of sex. If I kiss him I think he will want to take it further and if that is not what I want it ends in argument and I feel horrible and alone all over again. I agree with you I have to give to recieve, I have tried though and sometimes I think it is too late for us but I will try and see how it works out. I have gone to the doctors but he says that my hormones are OK although that was many years ago and now may be a different story and I have tried a therapist maybe I need to do it again but there are only a few sex therapists in my town and the one that I went to made me uncomfortable. If that is what I have to do I will find one that works, hopefully there is another solution. Thank you for your suggestions!

Wow! You said you want to be cherished but do you really? I don't mean to be harsh but if you love your husband like you say you do why don't you hug or kiss him. My husband and I rarely have sex but we do kiss and hug (although it is not enough). I would be lost without the hugs and kisses. Your husband probably feels that you don't cherish him. In order to get what you want you have to give. Try making and effort to kiss him at least once daily and gradually build up to more. Believe me it will be worth the effort. Also go see your doctor and have your hormones tested and if everything is fine there then see a therapist. You have to do some work to get what you want. Good luck to you.