For Me, the Situation Is Hopeless . . .

I am in my early sixties. I am a world leader in my field. I am considered multi-talented and have been called a genius. My wife and I have been married since 1975. We have had sex only four times in the past fifteen years. I have a strong libido, and have the physiology and psychology to be very sexually active. If I had the energy, the capital, and if it were not professionally suicidal for me to do so, I would and should get a divorce. But I cannot and will not do that. I am a clergy person, and my wife is a decent woman, a fine woman, who sees nothing wrong in totally avoiding any sexual intimacy. I cannot even remember the last time we kissed. We went to two therapists in recent years, on my volition. One was a milktoast kind of guy who got nowhere with us, the other was a high priced sexual therapist who simply told my wife I was a narcissist. (As another friend told me, if I were truly a narcissist, I would be screwing everyone in sight. But I digress). I will never forgive myself for spilling ALL of my sexual beans to this therapist, only to have her indicate that I was the problem in a marriage where my good wife avoids sex with me as one would avoid sharing one's eating utensils with an AIDS patient. By the way, I am fit, good looking, with weight proportionate to my consideratble height. Because of my profession, divorce is out of the question. Because of my principles and commitments, an ongoing adulterous relationship is out of the question, as is recoruse to prostitutes. Of course, if I were to chuck my allegiance to/belief in God, everything would be "easier." But that would involve losing the person I have been becoming all of my adult life. What I am left with is an indescribable loneliness. Lonely single people have recourse to dating, and to friendships. If I were single, I would be dating aggressively. But it is harder for lonely married people. Where do we go with the loneliness? This is not about horniness. This is about sadness and irretrievable loss. Welcome to my world. . .and that of too many others. Sometimes there is no good way out, and no painless way through. And by the way, every time I have sought to make this situation better with my wife, it has made matters worse. I will probably not take the suicide route, but will struggle to find the spiritual means to hold on, including lots of productive workaholism. What other choices are there?
brooklynjewishguy brooklynjewishguy
61-65, M
3 Responses Aug 19, 2007

To Shamu, <br />
<br />
Thanks for your words. I know that I can only deal with this one day, no, one hour at a time. When I think of the future before me, and of the empty past behind me, it destabilizes me. <br />
<br />
Thanks.

You have my compassion as my story is similar to yours. If I had the answer, I would not be a member of this group. There is no equity or justice in this life. It is what it is. Sometimes you just have to play the bad hand that has been dealt to you. Strengthen your ties with friends and family because you will need them in the future. Also, find some hobbies and other things to occupy yourself for when you retire or to give yourself a break from work. Just because you cannot see others on this board, know that you are not alone and in the prayers of others who live in a hell similar to yours.

I felt every word in your comment...I'm rowing alongside you, in a boat that's about to capsize as it's full of lonliness, frustration, bewilderment...as to why for years have longed for a relationship w my husband..other men flirt, etc, but like you I see many problems with "stepping over the line"--so, on the surface it just LOOKS so good...but it's a good thing no one can see what's behind the "closed doors"....I just try to stay SOOOO busy and block it out...but what a waste of life.........