Heatbroken

 I want to share my story , but its long, and my heart hurts to bad right now. I'm in a sexless marriage. My husband is a musician and loves music much more than I . We have been together for 14 years.  I have always had a strong sex drive, and I was the domant partner when we have had sex in the past.  I've never had a problem with men not liking me, actually just to opposite.  I used to feel beautiful, now I can't understand why he doesn't want me anymore.  Its been 2 yrs since we have had sex. I told him today that I am depressed and I wanted more time with him.  He just got defensive and angry.  I'm ready to leave, but we have 2 kids. I'm 35 , I don't want to live like this any longer, but if I leave I'll feel guility and selfish.    I just want to know why he doesn't want me anymore?

 

twister74 twister74
31-35
8 Responses Mar 21, 2009

the lack of sex makes me feel sooo lonely i live in southern colorado,, im ready to find someone in the same situation,, but i do believe its time i got out,, i need the intimacy which leads to a strong love instead i have anger,, john in s, colorado,,

I am new to this site. I have been married for almost 17 years. I always had a stronger sex drive than he did but not by too much. And he has always liked to control when and how we had sex, I learned early in our marriage to just wait for him or else it wasn't going to happen even though at the same time he would complain that I did not initiate sex. So we were flawed from day one but we had great and frequent sex for 7 years then our sex life started on a slow painful decline to where it finally died last year. <br />
He started having trouble occasionally at first and now he is so scared that he won't be able to perform that it has been 4 months since we had sex and he only did that because he was leaving town for a week and he was afraid I would go somewhere else for it. <br />
Last year he finally went to a doctor who told him what I had been telling him for years, (I unlike my husband have spent too much time reading about causes of ED), that he needed to stop smoking cigarettes and the problem would eventually correct itself. He hasn't quit and I hate him because he is the only person I want to have sex with. I weigh all 3 of my options every few months and so far I can't bring myself to cheat and I am not ready for a divorce which leaves me with option number 3, living like this even though I hate it. <br />
Our youngest will be 18 in two and a half years and I think that if things aren't better that will be when I will be ready for the divorce. <br />
Wow it feels better just to type it out for the first time.

chloe56,<br />
<br />
It isn't just you women. Men do it to. With help from our wives of course!<br />
<br />
Male or female, every time the subject comes up, the spouse goes through his or her list of reasons why they are not interested in sex, and it is usually a list full of, "Because you don't do 'X' for me, and you don't do 'Y' for me, and you don't do 'Z' for me...." This constant blaming will break down anybody, man or woman. Eventually the denied spouse believes it is completely their fault and sinks into self-loathing.<br />
<br />
The most important first step for denied spouses is to realize that although they may not be perfect people, the reason for their sexless marriages is not completely their fault. Most often, the real problem lies with the denier, and all of the denier's accusations are simply excuses they hide behind.

i am also 35. i have also thought "maybe its me: maybe i am not attractive enough, or experimental enough"...but thank goodness i was fortunate to have had a relationship before i met my husband that made me feel 100% desireable. that tells me that i am actually good enough and that the problem lies with my husband. why is it that us women always blame ourselves first? why do we break ourselves down so much?

I am new to this forum but unfortunately a pro in the sexless marriage department - I empathize with your feelings of being 'trapped' when there are kids in the picture. My husband and I have been together for 15 years - 3 kids and no sex by his decision - no explanation, no rationale - just stopped. It is truly cruel when people do this - I think I would be better if he just said I don't find you attractive, or I don't love you anymore - SOMETHING, ANYTHING tangible that although hard to hear would at least provide something to process and move on from - ya know?! Anyway, I feel your words - be strong.

"Why is it that the withholder never seems to feel guilty or selfish for sustaining the marriage in a barely tolerable state..."<br />
<br />
Elementary, my dear ngl: The same interactive style that allows the withholder to withhold prevents the withholder from feeling guilty. It's called self-indulgence: I'm going to do whatever makes me feel good right now. Whatever makes me feel good [i]is[/i] good, so there can be no guilt. Selfish? Selfishness is not an issue when only [i]your[/i] feelings matter.

Why is it that the withholder never seems to feel guilty or selfish for sustaining the marriage in a barely tolerable state, especially knowing that many of with kids could never leave. <br />
<br />
You ask a simple question about why he doesnt want you anymore. The answer for my wife is probably that she's just not wired that way. However, every time I try to probe for other answers , I am bombarded with a littany of my own flaws that center around my insensitivity to HER needs. I am certainly not perfect, but I go way out of my way to be sensitive to her emotions, and not burden her with my own difficulties (which in the past she has pre-empted with her "not being able to deal right now"). Unfortunately this perpetuates the illusion for her that she is the only one who ever has challenges to face, so I must always subjugate myself to her. Her logic is flawless (to her!).<br />
<br />
I hope your husband has a better sense of fairness. Do you think you husband at least likes you, and respects you?

All of us in this forum feel your pain and frustration. There is no way it will get better....only worse. If your in a position to leave the relationship.....RUN....Fast as you can. For some of us older members....its too late for us to start over. We just live with the pain and missery and come here for moral support.