At the End of It...what's Next?

been married for 24 years, the last 7 having been sexless.  my wife has absolutely no interest in sex and "can live without it"  i've been to counselling, and we tried couples counselling....after 3 sessions she was "cured".  we live our marriage as "good friends".

i'm interested in a co-worker, the attraction is mutual, and maybe coming home with claw marks in my back would be the "jolt" i need to change the situation.



miles2go miles2go
51-55, M
11 Responses Mar 21, 2009

I have met a man recently who hadnt had sex for about 10-15 yrs of his marriage - he has been a bit vague about it as he is embarrassed. I have talked to him about it and just think we all can get ourselves into situations where we develop unhealthy co-dependancies and are too scared to leave.. but i would say this - he has not regretted leaving his wife and we are blissfully happy and have a very sexual relationship! He is over fifty two now. We are comaptible not just in but out of the bedroom too.. I am just glad for both us that he was brave enough to take the leap. <br />
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I think he looks back now and just cant quite believe what he did to himself. He has dealt with a lot of his issues and continues to do so with a therapist.. which i encourage him to do as i dont want a rebound relatiionship myself .. He is dealing with his needs and why he failed to get them met for so long.. <br />
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None of his family or hers known the real reason why he left - out of respect he hasnt told the truth... meanwhile she continues to live in denial blaming him for the split! Shes very vitriolic and angry. If he asked her about sex when he was with her she would say it was normal that most couples over forty dont have sex.. Mmm they do - i thnk its the glue that makes a relationship. Ours hopefully is a happy ending as he still has his divorce to get through. The irony of our new, passionate and happy romance is that he used to be my boyrfriend when i was twenty..and thats over twenty years ago now.. he tracked me down and we arranged to met up and the old spark was still there! I just happened to be single and available.. <br />
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I would just say that i have seen the stress and years lift off him since we have been together.. he was like a tight violin string when i met him.. and now he is chilled, happy and relaxed.. He is loved and adored and gets tons of affection.. and so he should he is a lovely man and deserves it.. just like you should.. <br />
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I would be brave and put your needs first.. affairs are dodgy things to have when you are married and sure would make you feel rubbish - leave and start dating and have some fun.. Whatever you do though i hope it works out..

TinkerDill....thanks for the insight from the other side. her marriage is messed up as well. i understand the pitfalls and poor odds of a rebound relationship. <br />
i have read the book "too good to leave" and by all accounts i should pull the pin on this deal........<br />
just can't seem to find the courage somehow.<br />
"better the devil you know, than the one you don't"<br />
i know this defies all logic, but i keep hoping hope against hope that something might i write this, i don't believe it myself. does this make sense??

As the other woman in the relationship you'd are hoping to have, and coping with my married lover's dilemma, let me tell you what he wishes he'd done. Threaten to leave before contacting me again and falling in love. When he told his wife why he was leaving she fell all over herself trying to get him back into bed. <br />
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If I wasn't in the picture, he might've been able to heal his marriage or at least improve it to a point where he could stay and be content if not happy.<br />
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Now that's never going to happen.<br />
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Buy the book "Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum and see how you feel when you're finished. Please read it BEFORE you cheat, even once.

thanks to all for the support.............i know i have some serious decisions to make, and sooner than later. <br />
i feel life is slipping by far too quickly.

I understand your plight.... but everyone here has given some great advice.<br />
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Ha! She wants to travel with you... as a platonic male companion. What fun for her... what a nightmare for you.

You need to feel empowered to make a choice. There are so many people who endure the unendurable because they either feel they don't deserve better or they're too damaged emotionally to do anything about their situation. I will say this, it doesn't get easier. Resentment, desire, frustration all accumulate over the years. The key is to get out before you start acting out - by cheating. You deserve better than a cheating situation where you hide from your wife and still maintain your arrangement. You deserve a loving, sexually compatible and emotionally satisfying relationship - and the only way to get that is to leave your non-marriage and work on getting yourself well enough to have a healthy relationship. I wish you luck and strength.

If the marriage is over then end it. I know how you feel I to am in a sexless marriage. However, before I cheat I will be out of the marriage. Cheating will only complicate a bad situation. Talk to her and let her know that if things can't change then you will have to. I don't condone cheating. To me sex is the greatest thing you can share with another person. I just can't see that cheating will fix your problem.

You must make the decision whether you are to continue in a marriage which has obviously gone completely sour. It is beyond my comprehension to believe you still occupy the same bed. To continue this arrangement does nothing but reinforce and amplifies her rejection of you.<br />
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With no children involved it is now simply a matter of financial considerations. As to coming home with marks of your sexual dalliance is an immature attempt to illicit some jealous reaction and , from your description, this marriage has deteriorated far beyond that being effective,<br />
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I have had many affairs over the years and found them more than satisfying. Business travel gave me a great latitude in my sexual life as it can do in your case as well... <br />
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Life passes much too quickly, as you will find out, if you haven't already . There is no earthly reason that you have to live your remaining years without intimacy.<br />
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If I had a co-worker awaiting me and desirous of me I would be at her side in flash. Yes there is a life after divorce, perhaps a much happy one for you once you get the courage to take action..

no kids, thankfully. i'm not sure what fantasy world she's in sometimes, planning of retirement, and traveling and such. i just cannot see it happening. sometimes i think it's too late to start over, but i'm so damned unhappy, and so tired of feeling this way. <br />
we're sleeping in the same bed, but it's like sleeping with your sister........don't go over the imaginary line. <br />
what's really sad to me is that when i get hugs or touches from friends, it like an electric shock through my body, i just miss the physical connection so much. i have to make a decision soon, but i really do not like causing pain to anyone, and god knows this will hurt. <br />
is there happiness after all the hurt of divorce?

Just a thought but I'm assuming after 24 years there are no small children. If so, file for divorce and tell her if she can live without sex, you can live without her. Take it to court, end it and find someone more compatible. If more deniers get shut out, maybe the courts will take notice and start denying them things too, like alimony.

point taken, but i'm absolutely starving for physical attention, i travel for work, and sometimes it's like coming home to a hotel room. i'll be gone on the road for 3-4 weeks, and come home to "i'm going out tonite, see you tomorrow". what the %%$# ?