What Do I Have to Live For?

I am a 56 yr old male living in a sexless marriage. I hate what I have become. I have become angry....depressed...short fused...and as low as I can get without being lifeless. I have been married 33 yrs. But right now...I just want to die. I  look back on my life and have really been dealt a bad deck of cards.

About 10 yrs ago..I wrote a suicide note. I hid it away...where no one will find it. I don't know why I didn't carry through at that time.

I could make it look like an accident..and maybe not hurt my children as much. They are all adults now and have their own lives. They will get over it. As far as my wife is concerned...I don't care how she takes it...for it is her doing...that I feel soo low.

I have no friends.

I have no life.

But I do have a bit of paperwork done before I could go through with my plan. I hope that in the next few days...I can boost my spirits a bit and not carry  through with my plan.

itsgointoend itsgointoend
6 Responses Mar 22, 2009

years of rejection can really make you feel that way. i have only been in my marriage for 2 and a half years and can't imagine what it must have been like for you to suffer so long. It's time to make that change!!! you owe it to yourself. as the previous posts suggested, i also think you should call a professional. it is nothing to be ashamed of. also, you said you had no friends. YOU NEED TO MAKE FRIENDS! i don't think i would have survived this pain without the support of my friends. find friends on the internet or join a club of some sorts. remember that to make a friend, you first need to BE a friend. put yourself "out there". it will take a real effort on your part, but you need make that change of mindset. this may, however, be something that may prove to be too difficult without a little help: i say this because if you are depressed for so long, clinical depression can set in and this can really hold you back from thinking as clearly as you should. see a professional. you might need a little medication to help you overcome this problem in the beginning. a lot of people go through this and it is nothing to be embarrassed to talk about. no man is an island.<br />
life can be good.

There are millions of people worth dying for. There is no one worth dying over.

Hey MAN!<br />
<br />
You should really really reconsider this. There are definitive studies that indicate suicides run in families. There is a great history of it in my family. I too have considered what you have proposed, I took a step back and realized that is not a viable course of action and it might just possibly open the door to one of my own considering it as an alternative. <br />
You say you are 56. You got me by 7 years but, if you are in reasonably good shape -besides your depression, you probably got about 20 years left. Right? I'd make those 20 a major good time. Sounds like you raised your family and deserve some good times. Re-discover yourself. Re-visit old childhood haunts. Indulge your dreams and fantasies.... Turn up the stereo! Buy a bike and ride to the coast. That'd fix whats ailing you! First and for most, put those thoughts of ending yourself away for good. There are plenty of good women our ( and younger ones too ) age that are looking for men. <br />
Go to this site and take this test: http://www.theirritablemale.com/quiz.htm<br />
It may show you something about yourself that you didn't realize. Just about anything can be fixed if you give it some time. I read 2 of his books and it helped me a good bit. Read what he said about his own father's attempted suicide.

keep on living you will never know what tomorrow might bring I will pray for you. Don,t give up on life. Joy comes in the morning. I will hear good things from you in the future.

Please take TinkerDill's advice. You will solve nothing in going forward with your plan. You do have value and do consider your children in this . They are the ones really to suffer your loss. <br />
<br />
We all get down on ourselves and I have also been there myself for many periods over the years. Please step back a bit and call that number.

Please call 1-800-273-TALK it is an anonymous hot line for people in crisis. YOU are in CRISIS. The people here are always willing to lend you a shoulder to cry on, but we are not qualified therapists.<br />
<br />
You do not need to kill yourself to end the pain. You may have to make a lot of hard decisions that are painful including divorcing your refuser wife, or intensive one-on-one therapy. But you do not need to die to create change.<br />
<br />
Please call them. Hang on, find a quiet spot, AND CALL.<br />