Longing to Renew Our Sexual Intimacy

I am 51 and have been married for almost 15 years.  I recently came to the conclusion, by accident (I am really lucky there because I don't think I would have figured it out on my own), that my marriage, intimacy and sex life were slowly drifting away from me.  Although my wife is certainly not perfect, the truth that is was mainly my fault came to me like a revelation.  I realized that I had been growing slowly more boring, tight with money, and basically had not given any effort to making her want me and be attracted to me like I am sure she was when we married.  I mean this in an emotional and a physical way.  I did not keep myself in good physical shape nor had I been the least attentive to her REAL needs like having a husband who is a masculine and take charge guy.  One who not only supports her financially but also emotionally by being there for her whether I thought she was right or wrong.  Sexually it has got to where I almost have to beg for a hand job because she really doesn't want to have intercourse with me.  I am sure that really makes me look attractive to her.  Anyway, I am rambling on.  I decided to make a real effort to change.  I have started to take better care of myself phyically and am really looking to be more of a real husband and not just some guy (or maybe she thinks of me more like a boy) who needs a hand job once and awhile.  She has quite often commented about my need to dress better (she is very attractive and dresses well) so I have already started to fix that up some by spending some money on new clothes and she has always wanted me to update my hairstyle so I have done that as well.  Although she has noticed some change in me I don't think she realizes just how much I want our marrige to be better and how much I am willing to work for it.  But I don't want to come on too strong and make things worse or freak her out.  I was hoping there might be some women out there who would like to comment and maybe help me get things back on the right track.  Of course any guys who have thoughts are welcome as well.

I am really missing her and longing for her and she lives right her with me.

Help.

 

 

 

 

 

finallyawake finallyawake
51-55
7 Responses Mar 22, 2009

I am trying to be a better more understanding and thoughtful husband to my wife. I am now having trouble with something that has just come up. My wife and her friend are planning a trip to Europe for a week. I trust my wife but I can't help feeling a bit left out in the cold. We do travel together and may go somewhere later in the year but I still am having some problems here. I have not let her know I am feeling this way for fear I might undo what I have been trying to accomplish by being more attentive and understanding and I don't want to appear needy which would probably come across as unattractive. Any thoughts?

Thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate them. I will try to go forward and put them into practice and let you know how it is going later on.

Baker's suggestion to sit her down and admit that you have slipped is excellent and I also agree with all the other suggestions as well. A good attitude is also a real plus. Hopefully she will appreciate you being open and making an effort to change things. Remember to be patient because this is not a quick fix issue. I wish you all the best......please keep of posted!

Another sujestion...if you can't afford to take her out...Can you cook....something special?...or help her cook....? don't forget....maybe surprise her with flowers....or her favorite candies..(chocolate).<br />
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And if you really want back in her good books....sit her down....and admit that you have slipped up...and you are going to make every effort to change

So many good ideas here! I'll add one more. I know you said you don't want to 'come on too strong' but I'd get a blank card, and write something simple and heart felt, like, "I've let myself go, but I'm coming back because I realize how much I love you." and leave it where she can find it. Don't mention it. Just keep showing her that you're on the road back.<br />
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Also have to add re: clothes making the man. My married lover's wife let him go to work everyday at a prestigious company in ill fitting clothes, frayed hems, ratty sneakers, crap shoelaces. She buys all his clothes and took no pride in his appearance. I put a real bug in his ear and finally he got through to her and now he has pants that fit, new sneaks and looks like he might actually warrant that 6 figure salary!

Am hoping you succeed in winning back your wife's affections. Iā€™m all for a happy ending!<br />
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My two cents is pay attention and be upbeat - when you get up, make her coffee or tea (a gesture), when you come home the very first thing you should do is find her and "look" at her, in the eye. Show her you see her. And listen carefully. If she complains about some little thing at home that is giving her trouble, attend to it. If she mentions a show / movie / music / restaurant that is of interest, arrange for you two to go. Do you know what she loves - do you know what is a thorn in her side. If not find out, do it subtly by being there and being attentive. Don't focus on the mechanics of life, the humdrum ... life should be fun! Most people gravitate to those who see the best in us, so when we are with them we in a better place, not complaining, not judging, etc. <br />
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And, of course, I agree with all that Seanachai said - so that too!! <br />
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Oh, and when you get to the lovemaking, make it about pleasing her ā€¦ and be sure she is fully satisfied before you, :) Start with small gestures to try to relax her, without trying for more - rub her feet, her back, whatever helps her release any stresses of the day or just feel good. Read books, there are tons, and try out different things to see what your wife responds to. It can be as simple as grabbing her feet and rubbing them while you are watching tv. Small gestures, small advances, and paying attention ā€“ every day, not just when you are in the mood ā€“ that is my advice. <br />
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Good luck, hope you can successfully court her back to you!

Just from a woman's perspective...As much pride as a man takes in himself his woman will too. Personal grooming and health says a lot about how a person feels about themselves.<br />
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People who suffer from depression often neglect baths, food, and dress slovenly...they wear their insides on the outside.<br />
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Perhaps she has seen you in a lesser light because that is what you have conveyed.<br />
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Look back to what worked...the romance, what you did for fun, dinners out etc etc.....<br />
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If I knew her, I could better direct you.<br />
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From what I have seen here on EP, men want their wife to be someone they can show off, boast about, show other men look at the ultimate sexy prize I have....Honestly at least with me I desire the same from my man. <br />
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I also know that your conversations can either turn on or off the switches. Complaining or always talking about finances will kill any mood. If all your talking about is all about you, that will also make a woman roll her eyes. <br />
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Perhaps try some "silly" things like helping around the house if you don't already. Things like vacuuming or loading the dishwasher. <br />
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Perhaps treat her to a day at the spa followed by dinner and dancing and see what happens....or dinner and a movie.<br />
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Since I don't know either of you I am just throwing arrows and hope one of them sticks for you...sorry if it isn't much help, but maybe it will trigger an idea for you