I Am In a Sexless Marriage

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 9 YEARS AND HAVE TWO WONDERFUL BOYS.  MY HUSBAND IS DIABETIC AND HAS TROUBLE GETTING AN ERECTION DUE TO COMPLICATIONS FROM THE DIABITIES AS WELL AS THE MEDICATION THAT HE TAKES.  I AM 36 AND IT HAS BEEN OVER TWO YEARS SINCE WE HAVE HAD SEX.  HE REFUSES TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND TELLS ME THAT I AM BEING SELFISH BECAUSE I  WANT SEX.  HE SAYS HE STILL FINDS ME ATTRACTIVE BUT HAS NO DESIRE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.  I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH BUT  I MISS SEX AND I DONT FEEL THAT IT IS FAIR THAT I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT THAT PART OF MY LIFE IS OVER JUST BECAUSE HE FEELS IT IS OVER FOR HIM. 

dietsunkist dietsunkist
36-40, F
8 Responses Mar 22, 2009

I'm in the same situation as you are, except that I'm a few years older and we have no children. We have not had any form of intimacy for over 4 years now, and before that, it was sporadic petting at best. I've gone from angry to frustrated to sad to resigned...and I still don't have answers.<br />
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I've thought many times about breaking up my marriage but its not easy to go through separation and divorce, especially if there's ties of love. Besides...what guarantee is there that I would meet someone else? <br />
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My husband is mostly everything I want and like in a man, except that he has no passion for me. The diabetes probably has a lot to do with it as well as the meds. The thing is that he's not being selfish, he just cannot perform...and the male ego being the fragile and delicate thing it is, men who have problems like this seem to shift blame onto their spouse so they don't have to face their problem...or lack of manhood. And age or going to the doctor doesn't make any difference. Diabetes causes ED (erectile dysfunction) and there is nothing we can do about it.<br />
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I try to understand what he is going through and be sensitive to it...but what I get upset about is that he is not sensitive to me or trying in any way to work things out. Is it wrong for me to expect this? I wish a guy who was diabetic could answer honestly about how to deal with this sort of thing.<br />
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On my good days I try not to think about my life too much. On my bad days...well...... <br />
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I wish that you didn't have to go through with this. But you have to realize that if you do decide to stay with your husband, things will not get any better. There is no cure for diabetes as of now, and may not be for a very long time. So think about if you want to continue this way going forward. I guess you should have a talk with him about how its like for you, but that's not an easy thing to do at all. But maybe if he realized how close he is to losing you, he might make an effort to change things.<br />
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Wishing you well from the bottom of my heart and hoping you have good luck with your husband.

While he maintains that it is his diabetes causing his problem, this of course true, there is his strange attitude that has nothing to do with the illness. Any man, or woman for that matter, that truly loves their partner would do anything to provide happiness for them. He is plainly not implementing any action to please you.<br />
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To close the door on sexual intimacy is to close the door on marital bliss forever.. This is of course is only my perception, but this seems somewhat universal when viewed in context with the countless stories that come here daily.<br />
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Your husband is being selfish and petulant it appears. Many times those with immature personalities who suffer an an illness make them in their anger wish to make others suffer along with them. It is a subliminal form of punishment doled out to you for no other reason than the fact you are healthy and he is not..<br />
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As others have said here there are countless medications available out there to correct this. Also four billion dollar industry of sex toys that can be used together to keep that important part of your lives a glow.<br />
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I fear that you are going to grow more distant and full of disdain for him with the passing years and later you will lose the ability to effect change in your life.<br />
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I sincerely wish you well in this but see a most deleterious future for you in this.

Anti depressants are well known for killing sex drive....it might be just a matter of a reduced dosage will do the trick

The cure for him is the little blue pill if he is having problems getting it up. And yes diabetics have that problem quite often. But if hes ******* off behind her back to get his stress relief....its a shame....and won't get better unless you BOTH go for help.

I feel for you. I agree that he is selfish.

There is something else going on here I think....He is young....and even with his condition...He should still want to be a full husband......<br />
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Maybe you should go and see his doctor...and let then know just what is going on....Might be something that is causing it...That they can take care of....<br />
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just a thought

Selfish because you want sex? That is absurd. All any of us here are asking is that our spouse makes the effort. And because our spouses are not making the effort, after we make it clear that we need it, we are left unfulfilled.

I have a friend whose husband has your husband's problem. <br />
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He's a diabetic, wouldn't deal with his sexual problems, withdrew from his wife after 14 years of marriage, worked long hours and made lots of money, neglected his wife's sexual needs for five years. He's a coward, a ***** ***** and will be taking his wife to divorce court this morning at 9 a.m.<br />
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I'm not suggesting a divorce is in your future. Of course, not. Only that some people let their pride and misguided ways interfere with the ones they love. This man I'm talking about was a ************ fool, caught by his wife on several occasions. He was a lousy lover, a distant husband and he set a terrible example for his three girls, ignoring their mom, showing little affection.<br />
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You say it's not fair. No, it's not. It's not fair to you and it's certainly not fair to your boys. And trust me, they know. My friend's three girls, they know, that their mom just gave up, started drinking and that their dad just stood idly by, ************ upstairs while she longed to be cherished, to be loved.<br />
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I'm sorry, dietsunkist. I have no patience for these kind of husbands and wives. All of us have different issues of our own, different libidos, spouses who at least try to listen, to change a bit. No matter what you may or may not have done to contribute to his indifference, nothing justifies what your husband is doing, hiding behind a legitimate health issue.