Unhappily Married

Here it goes:  This is my secret...I am a 35 years old with 2 kids and have been married for 15 years. My husband has been diagnosed as mentally ill. He is now on disability. His illness has totally changed his personality. Before he was a really fun, kind person and would do anything for me. Now he is slow, sluggish, moody, lazy, can not hold an adult conversation, does not care about his appearance, can not drive, can not work, can not help care for our kids. The last time he became ill he was hospitalized for 7 weeks before his psych meds stabilized him. It was this last time that I decided I was tired, unattracted to him, tired of having to talk to my kids if I wanted a decent conversation because he can not hold one. I was tired of being embarrased by him, frustrated over our situation. Tired of keeping this secret because I didnt want to explain it to my friends. Now I have no desire for him sexually, emotionally, I have totally shut down. He gets upset with me because I will not have sex with him. We have not had sex in 2 1/2 years. Reason being: Been there done that with him. It is pointless. He has no idea of what he is doing or how to satisfy me. His body and his mind are not in sync so the act is pointless. Trying to have sex with him is so FRUSTRATING. Also I have become repulsed by him. I do not even want him to touch me. Sometimes we sleep in the same bed but I do not want him to touch me. I feel like I am the only one in this situation. It is so embarrasing and frustrating. He faults me for not having sex with him but I just can't do it. I want to leave him but I feel he needs me. That is why I haven't left. I also know my kids adore him but they also see me very unhappy and frustrated daily. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I just put myself first and leave. I have been unhappy for several years now. I want sex but I dont even think I can get drunk enough to have sex with him. He puts me down so bad with his family and friends because I won't but he says I take care of everything else a wife should except the sex. Sorry I cant do it... And how long should I submit myself to being sexless? I have needs too and he can't fulfill them.

bigbabylish bigbabylish
6 Responses Mar 23, 2009

you need to get help for both of you. You need somebody to give you a break to relax think about what is happening in your life and how to cope with your husband who clearly needs help as well talk to your doctor and maybe get respite help.I am thinking about you and hope you are alright xx

If you really feel it is important to stay, then listen to some of the others who have posted.<br />
Remember therapy comes in many forms, maybe finding a kindred spirit to talk to will help you along.<br />
Try to find something that is just for yourself a hobbie, a lover, a friend, something to keep you from being resentful of his illness.<br />
Be Honest with yourself; it is the most important thing

You are in a tough situation. I would certainly suggest therapy. Honestly, I know it's hard to think about, but mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. He can't help it. While you are not obligated in any way to stay, you do need to accept the situation and him to a certain extent. He deserves love too. If you are not able to provide it, set him free. Just my thoughts.<br />
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Good luck.


Im speechless..in a lot of ways this rings true..except im the one thats got the mental illness, and I have a rough time being interested in taking much care in myself, I dont know if my husband is disinterested in me, but I have to say I honestly couldnt have written the thoughts out better if I had done it myself. I feel the same way, repulsed by the idea of being touched by him. He hasnt gotten angry yet and its been quite somet time, and its coming I know it, but i dont wanna..grr.And its not that I dont have sexual wants and needs just not with him, and how do u even go bout telling someone that . Good luck w/your situation and maybe Ill have luck on my end sooner or later Im sure the issue will come to a head on my end lol!

Oh Lish, that is one heart breaking tale. I commend you for staying, BUT the way you feel about him, YOU need therapy to help you deal with his disability.<br />
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I don't know if you can truly help him by staying. But certainly you need to help YOU.<br />
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Sending you good thoughts and strength.