TALK to Me Feel the Desire With Me Keep Me Alive

There's a passing of time that seems well spent on thoughts that can lead to a better understanding of ourselves and others we interact with. I have fears as everyone does.  Some of my own making and others quite real.   I have sexual urges that I never thought I would have, with no birth control ... how freeing .  enjoying the sensations in  my body and soul. 

Now DH has blue pills that give an erection, but not desire.  He took them twice this month ..Yea!  and I never knew until he approached me .. because he knows I am always available,  I got the sex back to a better than nothing level, but the desire is just not there - its so empty and then he lets me in a bit and shuts  me out again.  How normal would my sex drive be if somebody wanted to as much as I did.  Is that normal for a woman 60?  A lot of friends my age have given up on sex having little to no iinterest ... they tell me I'm crazy to want to. 

 Now DH refusing to talk or think about a separation, although he said in understanding we have a marriage problem, that if we couldn't be happy together we would have to be happy apart.  I am well aware of DH now, instead of letting him control our marriage I am always on alert ... painfully tiring.

...therapy session on Friday sent me crying a river all day.  My friend from my past, whom I love deeply and dearly; is also my son's biological father; I drove to see him and brought a bottle of wine.  He told me he couldn't find a liquor store in his neighborhood because the old one closed down.  I went unannounced so he wouldn't talk me out of going.   He finally let me in and said I shouldn't be there... we poured the wine and continued to argue the point.  Somewhere I ended up on his lap and he asked if I wanted him to touch my breast.  It was like Christmas with the newest shinest lights on the tree ... what a blissful feeling of tenderness and love ~ just like yesteryear...  Then I went to sleep in the guest room, like last time I visited him.  During the night I was desiring to feel his body next to mine, regardless of intercourse, at first he thought I was the cat and then he yelled that I shouldn't be there.  Then he hugged me and said what am I going to do with you and I said nothing ...just enjoy me being here.  He hugged me all night and I heard his heartbeat with mine.  He held my hand and stroked my skin as I slept.  He is an older man and doesn't have my stamiina, but this I feel, an intense attraction and connection - an intimay with another human being.  Something my husband and I  never shared. 

IMy friend encourages me to talk about things I am dealing with but I have found he can never understand my viewpoint since he never married.  What we endure can't be imagined, it has to be lived... it's a living nightmare at times and others don't feel that emptiness and lonliness and sexual energy that we are feeling.  I don't want to lose this wonderful feeling of a man having desire for me and wanting to feel all the feelings I supress.  If I wanted to be a nun I would have joined the convent.  I want to look into my lover's eyes and see the desire to want me to touch him and for him to touch me all over. We are by nature, sexual beings and society and organized religion give us the message that sex is sinful.  How did everyone get on this planet?  I rest my case     ***********************now to have HOPE because I heard that it springs eternal!

Blessings This Evening,  Reflections3

reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
11 Responses Mar 24, 2009

Dear R3, such a perect way to describe time. Remember to "grasp the day" and don't regret your past experiences. Yu are the wonderful person you are today because of those experiences.<br />
<br />
My love and I were both regretting recently that we didn't meet 30 years ago - but we realised we would then have been different people and may well have not connected!!! <br />
<br />
Your happiness is a high priority to your EP friends - especially me.

This is my fear that I realized too late what I have been missing in my life ... and knowing I once had it, I want it back ... but we can never go back in time .. .just ahead to where our future lies.<br />
<br />
We have to be joyful for each day lived and for the ability to make a choice ... that is living ... otherwise we are just dying.<br />
<br />
May all our tomorrows bring joy and peace to us

TIME - it is sch a double edged sword. Quite by serendipity I'm listening to the old song "For every purpose under Heaven" at present!! "To every thing . . . there is a season . . . a time for every purpose under Heaven. A time to run . . "<br />
<br />
Maybe we should add tis song to those on our Forum??!!

I really love your comment dartist - I have been feeling mortal lately - like time is rushing by and there is this deadline looming - I am not in a good relationship right now, and I keep wondering, "Am I going to wait too long to get out and get healthy? Will I have missed that small window available to find a partner with the things that I want most (friendship, partnership and love) and then I won't ever have an intimate relationship with anyone ever again?" It is good to be reminded that the deadline is a lot further out than society would like you to believe! Whew! LOL

Your story is so poignant and full of a longing that so many of us women share and I cried when I read this tonight. What law states that we should lose desire for an intimate connection at any age? That, in effect, we should become married old maids? <br />
<br />
I learned from every comment here tonight. Had no idea that the clitoris was filled with so many nerve fibers. Knowing this makes me understand even more how the body yearns for the sweet release of a lover's touch. To be female is a wonderful thing. <br />
<br />
I read a survey somewhere where women were asked what they most desired? And what they could live without? Most answered that they would be happy never to have sexual intimacy again if they could be hugged and kissed! To me, sexual intimacy is all of it! Hugging and touching and kissing and surrendering one's self totally to the embrace of another. <br />
<br />
I remember hearing how disgusted a friend was that her widowed mother-in-law found passion at the age of seventy in the arms of her new found lover and I never said a word about my feelings at that time. Now I would have to speak up and tell my friend to be happy for this woman. Then again my friend's reaction told me a lot about how she viewed intimacy with her husband. <br />
<br />
Just because a woman's body cannot any longer create life does not mean she is expected to lose feeling alive.

I don't think you are asking for too much - and you definitely don't come across as spoiled!<br />
<br />
Starve us for affection long enough - don't be surprised where that takes us!

I appreciate the feedback given by everyone. <br />
My husband has it all figured out now ... he told me today "you should be content with what you have here ... I know I am" ... when I said I wasn't he replied "maybe that's where we differ" ... he makes me feel so guilty for wanting more than this. He has been trying to be the good husband, not making me ask for sex ... providing the erection but not the desire ... he told me that we can't be kissy huggy all the time .. problem is we never ever do the kissy huggy thing .. If I try to talk about our marriage he says I am over-reacting and analyzing it too much. We have such different ideas on intimacy and happiness. It is very hurtful to be seen as the one who wants too much.<br />
<br />
I know I have to do this for myself ... even if he doesn't see that I can't accept things as they are. I am painfully aware of the lack of desire and love between us ... I know he is mistaking familiarity for love. How can my life go on when he denies my wants and needs.... a quick erection and thrusting is not going to do it for me ... I want his sexuality but he's not giving it... doesn't feel it or doesn't have it ... this just isn't enough .. I must be a spoiled brat.

R3 - your desires are natural and your instinct to feel the 'blue pill' alone doesn't fix just demonstrates your good judgment. It is not about formula, do x then y then z and all is okay and blissful in the bedroom and marriage. It is about a connection, a desire, about feeling wanted, about skin on skin that feels electric. Damn, it is spring .. and it makes it all a bit harder, no? <br />
<br />
Bottom line -- you rule your life, especially after 60!!<br />
<br />
Oh, btw, a few weeks back was out for a "girls dinner" and was sitting across from a woman who is divorced, and turning 60 next month. She and her 52 year old sister were talking. She (soon to be 60) said - oh, please I can't go six months without sex!!!!

I am getting to be good friends with someone who's wife believes sex is dirty and even saliva is dirty so no passionate kisses or even open mouthed kisses, I think. He seems to be such a loving husband - so I feel for him. His wife was told that sex for pleasure is wrong - well she is DEAD wrong and here is the proof:<br />
<br />
From Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier<br />
<br />
<br />
"The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8000 nerve fibres, to be precise. That's a higher concentration of nerve fibres than is found anywhere else in the body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice...twice...twice the number in the penis. Who needs a handgun when you've got a semiautomatic."<br />
<br />
God (if you believe in a higher power), I believe did not create anything that didn't serve a purpose - yet the clitoris according to the above serves no other function except pleasure - so how can sex for pleasure be sinful when God created something on a woman that is ONLY meant for pleasurable sex??<br />
<br />
So the church might say it is sinful - but I sure don't think God agrees! (and isn't that information so cool??)<br />
<br />
E3 - I will keep you in my thoughts - I am in a similar situation and it is painful!

Great advice kungfuchic.<br />
<br />
People can't learn to love. They either do or they don't.

Dear Longtime: What a perfect line: "they choose to give in to their fear rather than their commitment" Do you mind if I borrow it and apply it to my own situation?<br />
<br />
R3 Everyone wants and needs to feel love, in their own way. Even our spouses. The other day my husband told me he wants to learn how to love me the way I need to be loved. I think that pretty much sums it up. My response was, you can't learn how to love someone, you have to feel it. It comes from the depths of your heart and soul. It's that burning desire to want, to touch, to make love, to laugh, to hold. It isn't something you can see a therapist and learn. Sure you can learn what love is, but you can't learn to feel it. That's something that comes naturally. <br />
<br />
Don't beat yourself up for wanting more in life. Don't beat him up for not being able to give it. Accept "what is" and move on from there. But do it for the right reasons, do it for you. <br />
<br />
I am always here, a friend, should you need me.<br />
Love and hugs,<br />
KFC