From Hare to Tortoise

I married my hubby almost 17 years ago, and had the BEST lovin' ever for about 6 months. Like bunny rabbits, it was! lol He woke me up every morning before he went to work, and rocked me to sleep [;) every night. THEN, we got a computer, and he discovered cyber "chat". From that very first next morning on, instead of him waking me up with a touch on my skin, he woke me up with his typing. He had some videos when we married, but it was just an occasional thing. This online stuff was just completely out of hand, and it caused me much pain and humiliation. I tried MANY, MANY times over the years to tell him what it was doing to me, but he ignored my feelings completely in favor of his  "friends". I eventually shut down completely as far as wanting sex goes. I WANT to have a normal, healthy relationship with him, but his lies, hiding, and insensitivity just destroyed my ability to get turned on for him. I wanted to know it was ME he was thinking of in bed, not one of those many women he was talking to. I wanted to know I was enough for him. I wanted to know that what we shared was sacred. We went from being the very best of friends and lovers to what we have affectionate, almost room-mate kind of relationship. I love him, and I know he loves me, but it was only this last year that he finally "said" he wouldn't do it anymore. Do I trust him after almost 17 years of lies? I don't know. What I do know is that he has stopped attempting to support me in almost any emotional way. Sort of a "you don't give it up, I don't either" kind of thing. I just can't get turned on. How CAN I get turned on for him now, when, to him, it's up and over or nothing at all. Basically, I'm a means to an end for him, and it just isn't enough for me anymore. No, divorce isn't in the works, but I sure wish I had known about his addiction before I married him! What I am doing about it is for another forum! 

societyschild societyschild
46-50, F
7 Responses Mar 24, 2009

Hi, Tigger.<br />
I'm sorry, but I don't understand your question...who are you asking might have the medical condition?

do you think it might be a medical condition? Or do you really believe he may be cheating on you.....

Hi, Longtimesexless<br />
And just how do I know for sure that he has done this? It's hard to absolutely know that he isn't "indulging" anymore, so all I have to go on is his word...and we both know how trustworthy that has been in the past!

Hi, everyone! Wow, what a great support system there is here! For those who have responded to my story, thank you. I have told him over and over what it is doing. He realizes that the reason I shut down is because of what he did (is doing?), but neither one of us know how to knock that brick wall down that I built. If I ever want to change occupations, I can always be a brickla<x>yer, because nothing has been able to even put a hole in the wall, let alone bring it down. :( I know **** is wrong, and so does he. We are both Christians, and it took years for him to realize that it is adultery, but the damage has been done. My problem isn't as much with the ****anymore, as much as trying to figure out how to heal me. I have come to terms with it for the most part. I can't change him, and seperation/divorce is not an option for us. As much as he has hurt me in this area, I can't see myself with any other man. I have forgiven him hundreds of times, and will continue to do so. No, I am definitely not a doormat! lol I just know that, after all is said and done, we do love each other. If he really IS done with it as he says he is, then all that is left to do is heal. Time and God can do that. If he isn't done with it, then I just need to recognize that he is still the man I fell in love with, and forgive him again. I know he has had to forgive me many times over the years! <br />
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Nightstorm, I will check out your stories. It does help to know we aren't alone, doesn't it? *smile*<br />
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Chloe, I hope you will someday be able to get your husband to go to therapy, but if not, make sure you work on your own healing before you build a wall as high and strong as I did. They are just too hard to tear down, once they are built. It took me a long time to be able to seperate what he was doing from who he is. Too long. But there is hope as long as we are breathing. You just have to decide if your marriage is worth committing to, or not.<br />
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Longtimesexless, don't I know it! Unfortunately, the consequences are that we have a nearly sexless marriage, and we BOTH suffer THAT consequence! We did seperate for 2 nights, and it was awful for both of us. We knew then that we didn't ever want to seperate again, so we will just try to figure it out from here.<br />
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Parker, I don't know what to say. I don't know you yet, and haven't seen your stories to know why your wife has gone cold. I just hope that you consider her to be of enough value to search for ways to let her know she is loved and cherished, even if she isn't pleasuring you. We each have our own computers, so it would be a bit difficult to cut him off of his *smile* I did try things like that years ago, but it just seemed to exacerbate the problem. I decided it would be better for him to type than to drive, if you get my meaning. Not that he threatened it, but one never knows.<br />
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Again, many, many thanks to you all. It DOES mean a tremendous amount to know I am in kind and caring company.

I am in a reveral of your situation my wife and I have had not had a sexuall relationship for many years, while she is not thrilled with the idea on go online for my fix she feels it better than being all over her.<br />
But for your guy if he wants to change and just might a little but still wants to stay connected. Cut him off the inernet for at least 6 months if not a year. This may seem cruel to him but it is not. Change your account to a user password that he does not have. This will not stop him altogether but it will surely slow him down. Men like internet p*rn just because it fullfills fantasies that we can not or would never do in real life. He needs to understand that. You need to be firm and loving with him. Men are a lot like small boys we like our toys and do not want others playing with them. And do not worry if he is going behind your back or lying about if he has or has not been online for his pleasure, HE HAS. Just take it and move on, do not get mad at him wait for a none aggressive moment and simply say I found some things on the computer and your slipping again but we will work through it. Again remember in this area men are just like little boys, you have to gently lead them where you want to go. I hope this helps.

dear society child.<br />
i really feel for you. i am experiencing a lot of the same things you are in your marriage. you have obviously put up with his internet chatting because he has lead you to believe that it is not so bad and that it is normal (same on my side!). IT IS NOT. this is cheating. i'm afraid that things won't get better until you put your foot down and stick to your guns. he has to choose between you and the internet. please go to dr phil's internet site and look in the archives under "is internet po*n cheating?". also go to the "i am a woman in a sexless marriage" group on this EP site. you will see that many other women are suffering due to their partners' p*rn addictions. Please read naomi wolf's article on that site, which i think will clear up a LOT of things for you (like why nothing you do will be able to turn your husband on if he has a p*rn problem). the problem lies with him (and has nothing to do with your desirability/attractiveness). NO WOMAN can compete with p*rn. if you try you will just be setting yourself up for heartache and dissapointment (i shared some of my own experiences on that site). i'm afraid your husband will not change unless he is forced to (this is an addiction, even though he will deny it, and addictions are often larger that the person). you are going to have to give him an ultimatum. if you are not hard enough and don't stick to your guns, you will just have to live like this for the rest of your life. are you really willing to do that? (i'm sorry if i sound harsh. i am going through the exact same thing...and i have a few anger issues, i admitt...i still get so angry when i hear of other women suffering like this cos i really know how horrible it is!!!) your husband needs therapy: addicts can't usually cure themselves, and he needs to be held accountable to a person OUTSIDE of the marriage, because, as you know, his addiction is really easy to hide from you if he really wants to!<br />
All this said, i have not been able to get my husband to go to therapy (how's that for the blind leading the blind, ha-ha!!). he has not even read the email i sent him, explaining the negative effects of internet p*rn. i just hope that i will be able to stay strong and not back down. it's really hard when you really love you husband, hey?<br />
good luck

Hi<br />
You need to read my stories. I am and have been where you are for 3 years now. The exception would be that I still want to have sex with my husband but he doesn't want me. I have been and still am very angry with him. He to has told me he would stop and I do not belive it. I am now getting to the point I don't want him to touch me. If you want to know for sure if he has stopped let me know and I'll give you some pointers on how to find out.