Kind of Numb

ok, so here's the deal.  At this moment, I have spent hours reading others' stories, and can identify with SO much of what has been said.  Many times, I was shocked at how spot-on descriptions of emotions, situations, thoughts, etc. were.  At this moment, however, I feel kind-of numb.  Yesterday (Sunday) was a beautiful time between my husband and I in bed, but you know what?  That was probably our monthly allotment, and it only happened after I begged.  I think the fact that we were so recently intimate has led me not to be weeping uncontrollably at this moment, having just read the stories of others like me.

Like others, I have felt rejection, hurt, anger, bitterness, disgust, hopelessness, rage, resentment, frustration, confusion, weariness, self-doubt, self-loathing, etc., and wondered if, in fact, I was simply going crazy.

You see, my husband's a minister.  Besides our obvious intimacy problems, I have had to deal with everyone else telling me how wonderful he was, how "aren't you so proud of him?";and,  "You're very lucky/blessed to have him".  Yes, but DO YOU KNOW WHO HE REALLY IS?!! I felt like shouting at all the people.  How selfish and insensitive, how blind and self-absorbed he can be?

My husband loves me. I'm sure of it. He tells me, and he plans surprise outings for us, and he constantly snuggles, caresses, and cuddles with me.  However, he lacks spark, fire, DESIRE.  He won't kiss or fondle unless I ask him to, and certainly doesn't initiate love-making.  So, by his otherwise loving behavior, he stirs up emotions and sensations that then he won't satisfy.  We've spoken extensively about these issues over the course of our seven-year marriage, and like others have done, he has apologized, vowed to do better, or just kept silent, depending on the day.

He doesn't apologize when we have relational problems, he's upset that I've left his Spanish-language church (I'm an Anglo who tried my best), and everything that sets off our relational disagreements ends up being cast as my fault.  He's a selfish child,  and yet, most of the time, in daily interaction, we're sickeningly-sweet with one another.  He's my best friend, and I love him to pieces, but he can really be a jerk.

Everything's so contradictory.  He won't go to counseling or to the doctor, but he sets himself up as a mentor to other twenty-somethings.  What a crock!

I love him, but I'm weary and numb of this same old issue.  I'm so torn to pieces about this.  I'm just starting to realize that I think I'm depressed.  Since getting married and fighting these problems, I've gained tons of weight and have no goals anymore.  I'm just existing.  Any thoughts?

singerjen singerjen
5 Responses Mar 24, 2009

I feel for you... yours must be the ultimate case of "nobody has any idea what a failure my marriage is". All that sexual neglect, and you still have to pretend that your DH is a great guy.... and he tries to counsel others on marriage, what a crock of sh*t. Sorry.<br />
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james<br />

You are not alone. After my husband stopped having sex with me, I also turned to food and gained 30 pounds. You are not alone. Hang in there. Just because he wont go to counseling does not mean you can't. Go talk to someone, feel good about yourself! Its NOT you!!

Our situations are vastly different, but I can really identify w/ your emotions.At least you have love and companionship, I don't even have that much. I too am confused, gained weight, and cant stay focused on my goals. I too feel I am just existing. I would leave, but I can't leave my kids. So I deal. Reading stories like yours helps me realize I am not alone. <br />
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God Bless<br />

It's hard to live a lie. To allow the world to think everything is honky dory, when in fact, the pain cuts into your soul.<br />
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My only suggestion is to either write him a letter or sit him down, really laying it all out. Don't hold anything back. Tell him you don't intend to live like this forever, and if he is not willing to work on the relationship, you will move on.<br />
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In my case I physically had to leave in order for my husband to realize he was losing me.<br />
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If your husband doesn't hear your plea, don't waste time trying to make someone love you. It does not work.<br />
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Wishing you the best.

I hear ya'. You saying that you are just existing really hits home with me. I don't get excited for anything anymore. I'm starting to think that it's not the sex though. We've had a few good ones lately and I find I'm actually bored of that. In my case, I'm now quite certain it's just that I'm with a completely self absorbed jerk and the sex is just a symptom of this. Their life, problems are the flood that drowns me. It sounds like you may have the same issues. After all, he only did after you begged him - made HIS life uncomfortable or made it affect him. It was now easier for HIS life to perform. He may have been just thinking of himself, not you or the "we".<br />
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Your story resonates with me. I hope you find your life and happiness. Good luck!