My Sexless Mariage Did Not Start Out That Way...

When I married my best friend 15 years ago we had great sex and plenty of it. We were very compatible and got along in every way. We worked together and played together. It was just about perfect.

Then after about year 6 or 7 of our mariage he told me he wanted to have sex while wearing womens bathing suits. I love him, so I said OK. What would you have done? Then he wanted me to force him to wear womens lingere etc. There is only so much I can do. The act of forcing him to "be" a woman does not turn me on. I rarely if ever came when doing things his "new way".

So for the last 7 years I have been in a virtually sexless mariage. We might have sex once a year for our anniversary or Valentines, but it is quick and akward and I hate it. There is no kissing or foreplay, just stick it in and get off and roll over.  

I love my husband but I need sex. I am sick at the thought of sleeping with someone else, but I miss feeling loved and held tight in a mans arms. I miss feeling desirable or wanted. I know I am not 25 anymore, but I still occasionally turn a mans head and all I can think is "would he really have sex with me? would it be the death blow to my marriage? Should I do it? Would my husband even care if I did?" 

I am still in my sexual prime and I think about sex a lot, more than I did as a teen and I am sick of being married and yet totally alone. This situation is killing me and my marriage. I have asked him to get help and he says he is fine. He just does not want anymore vanilla sex. He thinks he does not have a problem. He can't get it up without Viagra. He says he loves me, but is just not into regular sex anymore, but if I force him to have sex that is a turn on for him. Sadly the forcing thing does nothing for me and I don't enjoy it. What am I to do?

StarStorm15 StarStorm15
41-45
9 Responses Mar 24, 2009

Dan Savage has good articles about being GGG (giving, gladly, etc.) and about 'kinks' but it has to be mutual and both partners should get their needs met. X-dressing is not a big deal anymore and 'forced feminism' has lots of complex issues behind it but HE should be gladly giving to you for being so accomodating to a fetish that lots of people would totally not tolerate. He may feel very ashamed about it, but it doesn't need to be this way!

If feel your marrage is over over this, then thats sad. Did you ever look this up on the internet? try it and get an idea FROM WHAT EVER YOU FIND. Even carry it to the next level on him - or the max level. What do you have to loose. Go to a sex store get ideas. He got the idea some where. Dont think he is an angel right now he probubly is not. I dont agree with him or even know him, But I side with you he has a problem. If you love him open your mind and try to change the stituation yourself. I know in my situation with my wife I try constantly to find away to spice things up, it is very hard to do. For the record if he needs drugs for sex that to some men is death. The humiliation of that alone is devistating beyond belief. <br />
If you care then try something until something works. I can amagine that your heartbrokin. but humilliation is what he is looking for then hell i'd give it. ( for the record I didnt mean I would do this to him -- Not into that-- <br />
You can even go to a sex therapist yourself. They could help you to deal with this. If you dont like what they say go to another and another until you find the right one. Some real dr. sex / psyhco therapist take insurance.<br />
I know when I married it was for good. Its never easy or kind. But it is what we have and its up to us to make it the best we can.

OMG, what a nightmare... this is the saddest case yet.<br />
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You have my sympathies... I think you just need to find a lover... someone who is the right guy... obviously your DH has crossed the line with his ideas of what sex is about.<br />
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james<br />
atlanta

It's a two-way street starstorm15. He's got to give some too, and it doesn't sound like he's doing that.

Do you think you could get him to a sex therapist? Tell him it's for you more than him, see if he buys that.<br />
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If that doesn't work, you are between a hard place and a rock. I love my husband to death and would have done just about anything for his sex and affection, but I have to commend you. I am not sure that I could make love to a man dressed in woman's clothing items. <br />
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In fact, if he's not willing to meet you in the middle or work it out, I would have to say, yes, leave. Sorry.

Bringing sexual perversity to a marriage can be beneficial if needed but only it if it is acceptable to both parties. His peccadillos , which you have unfortunately enabled over the past years has fostered nothing of a compromise on his part. How you can still love a man who has placed his priorities ahead of yours bedevils me no end.<br />
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I can see no end to this except that you must seek out someone to satisfy your needs before time makes any such action difficult.<br />
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I feel for you indeed and do for you some resolution to this problem but fear it will not come from within this marriage.

I would suggest therapy - either together or, if he won't go, then just for you. I was in therapy with my wife until last week - she wouldn't go at first, but I told her I was going with or without her. Two things made her decide to go: <br />
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1 - she didn't want me telling things about her without her there to counter (attack).<br />
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2 - She didn't want me to use the fact that she wouldn't go to "blame" her for our failing marriage.<br />
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Unfortunately, she also didn't really put much into it, was ecstatic when I said we were done with it and we are now heading for a failed marriage (does she even have a clue?). But enough about me!<br />
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One thing you really need to refrain from is saying there's something wrong with him: that's a sure-fire way to sabotage any chance for success. He likes it different, that's all.<br />
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So, my free advice (and worth every penny!) is to NOT just sit there any more, waiting for him to come around. I have done that for far too long and it's just a slow spiral down (see my avatar?).<br />
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Take control and be ready to fight for your rights. If he won't go to therapy, go on your own and make the most of it. You'll find that your downward spiral becomes an upward one (see my avatar!).<br />
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You'll be better off either way because YOU will be in charge. One last thing - do be ready to leave if it comes to that - life is way to short and love is WAY too precious not to share.<br />
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Peace and much luck!

If only that could work. He does not feel he has a problem. He only wants what he wants and is unwilling to do the old boring vanilla sex. I assure you I am not old boring locked into the missionary position. I feel like I am the only one willing to give in this area and none of my needs are being meet or even aknowledged.<br />
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I wonder if he really loves me, because I would do and have done just about anything to make him happy and here i sit in my sexless little box waiting, waiting, waiting for him to come around and I feel like why waste my life waiting for something that may not happen. Should I just leave? Should I try to find someone who will appreciate me and really love me??

This is coming from someone who would do just about anything to please his wife (if she would just ask), so I hope you don't get offended!<br />
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Why not work out a compromise? Half the time you give him what he wants and the other half it's what you want? Have an open mind and try to find a way that you can both be fulfilled.<br />
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I'm not a cross-dresser, so I don't speak with authority, but I don't think that wearing women's lingerie is so he can "be" a woman (I can understand why that would be a turnoff for you - you're looking for a man!). It could be that he enjoys the humiliation or finds it exciting because it's "wrong."<br />
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If you simply cannot bring yourself to do it "his way", then I'd suggest a sex therapist. If you both still love each other you have to at least try everything you can to make it work. What I wouldn't give for my wife to ask me for something - anything!<br />
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Best of luck.