I have been married over 30 years and, although we had sex about once per week, it was clear for a long time that my wife did not enjoy it and thought it a duty. Meanwhile I was getting progressively more frustrated. Trying to talk about it only made her extremely uncomfortable, and my attempts to rekindle the relationship through doing whatever I could think of to make her happy were met with thanks but some suspicion that I was simply trying to manipulate her into bed.
As a last desperate attempt, I wrote her a 5 page letter in which I lovingly but directly explained my feelings of pain and alienation. I accompanied the letter with some of the heartbreaking stories from this site to help her understand the sorrow that her avoidance of a real sexual relationship was causing. I left the letter, with a bouquet of flowers, on the table before leaving for a four day business trip.
The result - beyond my fondest dreams! Although the letter caused her to cry for two days, it also helped her understand that it was not just my problem. She did some reading and realized that sex is not just an optional part of marriage, it is an essential part of achieving unity and complete love. For the first time, she assumed some ownership of the situation. Consequently, we have had more real sexual intimacy in the past month than the two prior decades. How fabulous to be awakened in the middle of the night to find her naked and whispering in my ear -"I need you and I can't get enough of you!"
Admittedly a month is not a long time, but she believes that the experience has fundamentally changed her perception of sex. We can finally share our feelings without shutting down. She enjoys the unity this has brought us and has found that sexual release helps her sleep better and worry less.
I cannot fully convey how much this has meant to me and how completely I love her. I write this not to boast, but rather to offer encouragement and hope to those who frequent this site. Perhaps some of you will be able to show this letter to your loved one to demonstrate that major change can be swift and ever so sweet. Having been there, I know that hope is vital in a marriage where sex has become divisive rather than bonding.