"Light Dawns On Marblehead"

Woke up this morning feeling a bit tired and overwhelmed from my weekend and the past two days.  Spent time with hubby, talking and discussing our future.  We have been separated for almost 7 months, but I have not been able to disconnect or cut the chord that binds me to my sexless husband.  "They" say woman fall in love with the man they are having sex with.  Well I don't know why or how it happened in my case.  Our sex life was almost non-existant from day 1.  But there is no doubt in my mind that I love this man and that he loves me. 

He has a need for companionship and I have a need for an intimate relationship.  He could be happy with me lying in the bed next to him, I am happy curled up with him, our bodies intertwined in some way, touching all night.  He is happy with small doses of affection, like hand holding, hugging, and short wet kisses.  I am happy with touching, and love making, passionate kisses, burning desire for each other.  He is happy to just be with me, and admittedly I am happy to be one with him.   He can't possibly meet my needs in the relationship, because he doesn't need what I need and doesn't feel what I feel.  I can't possibly shut down my sexual desires or need for passion and romance and intimacy.  I did that for 12 years, it didn't work.

I am not angry any more.  No more resentment in my heart.  My soul doesn't question why, why doesn't he want me, desire me, need me, the way that I do him.  He just doesn't.  It doesn't mean he doesn't love me, he just loves me differently than I love him.

I wish I could be with him, be satisfied with what he is able and wants to give.  I wish I could look him in the eye and say yes, I can be a faithful devoted wife to you even under these circumstances, because my love for you is stronger than any need I have to be loved.  But I would be a lier.  Over time the emptiness I feel would lead me down the cheaters path.  I do not want to be a cheating wife.

My world feels empty without him, but my heart feels empty with him.  Clearly life has dealt us an unfair hand.  How could it be that love just isn't enough?  As the reality of my fate sets in, there is that little bit of desparation, that somehow, someway God or the Universe could not be this cruel. 

I am just so sad.

kungfuchic kungfuchic
46-50, F
11 Responses Mar 25, 2009

I too know what pain you are going through. Be true to yourself and know that it is not selfish to want a physical intimacy with your partner. It is obvious that you have deep feelings for him in spite of your separation because you do not want to leave in anger. Your attitude about this is healthy and I have so much respect for how you are handling your life. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers also and that you will find the love that you desire. You already have the love and respect from so many people here. Let this love sustain you and carry you through on your journey.

chaotic, it would be very, very melancholic. the right person does come along now and then, and if you can see it, it reminds you of what you can't have. there have been a few pass through my life while i was with my partner, people who would have suited my needs better, but love for her bound me. the sting of it never really goes away. for a while it invigorates you to be near someone who helps you thrive, and then the let down puts you in a place with so much sadness and pain that you're not sure why it is you get up in the morning.

For me....its my kids. The VERY idea of leaving them stranded on the same raft ive been on for the past 8 years floating in that vast dark abysmal sea....that has me here. She has many times told me to my face that the kids are the things that bind us. Truth be told....i think if a good woman ever did enter my life....im not sure id know how to take it

Dear Chaotic: I know those feelings well. I got up every single day for 12 years. Told myself I would be okay. Played stepford wife one more day. The emptiness in me sucking the life out of me like a parasite.<br />
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It's not painless to leave though. Which is why I stayed for so long. It hurts, mommy. It hurts.

That sucks. The good thing is that you have an amazing additude! I think you'll find someone that will fufill all your needs - no problem.<br />
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I'm cheering for you!

Hi K....<br />
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For me....its the pain of looking at myself in the mirror every single morning after a long hot shower.....wipping the fog so i can see my clean shaven face...and lying straight o my face that everything is just fine. That im content with the empty pit in my gut. That im content with sleeping on the couch yet another night. Content without love. Without passion. Without the feeling of a womans pressence on my soul.<br />
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Thing is...and ive said this before....on here. There are NO do-overs in life. This is it. If you are (like me) existing...yet not living....then you have to ask yourself what in this world would make you...who you want to be.

Thank you all for your kindness and words of encouragement. Yes, I feel like I am in mourning. Someone, something in my life has died. Tinker tell your man that every feeling he is having right now is normal. He will go through many more.<br />
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But as my good friends Lebs said above you can run from the truth, but you can't hide from it.

Stay strong and be gentle with yourself, KungFuChic. <br />
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You can (and should) pursue your own happiness, but you can also continue to give friendship to your husband - it's much better than ending up unhappy and hating each other.<br />
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I could write a novel with all the thoughts that are running through my head right now, but I'll just say that there are many of us here who are hoping you find happiness and love...

truth is totally unmerciful, kfc, and for people who are aware and cannot lie to themselves, the truth sits on their shoulders like a parrot who just repeats time and again what we don't want to hear but can't avoid. i don't know what to tell you b/c i feel the same way. she loves me, but she can't love me the way i need to be loved. never in my life have i known what it is like to be wanted, i mean truly wanted by another person, rather than tolerated. no more how much i try to drown that in work, in silence, in represssion, in alcohol, in posting on here, in whatever diversion, i choose it is that damn parrot sitting on my shoulder repeating to me what i cannot escape.<br />
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it sounds like you have done the hard thing by separating, and you recognize that even though you know he loves you, he can't give you what you need. do what is best for you, kfc, and no one else in this situation. too many of us stay for everyone but ourselves, and we may owe a part of our lives to others, but we don't owe them our souls and our happiness, especially if they can't help those things to grow. i'm sad too, weary, exhausted, and worn through in ways that i didn't think i would ever let happen to me again. make yourself happy -- you deserve it.

Kungfuchic, I'm sending your post above to my SO who it seems is convinced he is the only person to have faced this decision and believes no matter who he chooses to spend the rest of his life with, he will not know peace, and will always doubt whether he made the right decision.<br />
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My words to him are what I would speak to you. You will never be truly out of your husband's life. You will always answer his calls, you will go to his side in case of illness or accident. If you and he can remain friends throughout the divorce, then there is a likelyhood you can remain friends when you've married again. Your new love/husband will know that your ex is apart of your life, just the way I recognize my lover's wife will always be a part of his, and by extention, mine. I'm okay with that, and your new love should be too if he's the right one.<br />
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Sadness is to be expected. Your marriage is dying and death is always sad, even when it comes as a natural conclusion. Accept the sadness, embrace it, then look towards the horizon and move on.<br />
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Thank you for sharing your story. God bless you.