Don't Give Up Hope!

I have been married over 30 years and, although we had sex about once per week, it was clear for a long time that my wife did not enjoy it and thought it a duty.  Meanwhile I was getting progressively more frustrated.   Trying to talk about it only made her extremely uncomfortable, and my attempts to rekindle the relationship through doing whatever I could think of to make her happy were met with thanks but some suspicion that I was simply trying to manipulate her into bed.

As a last desperate attempt, I wrote her a 5 page letter in which I lovingly but directly explained my feelings of pain and alienation.   I accompanied the letter with some of the heartbreaking stories from this site to help her understand the sorrow that her avoidance of a real sexual relationship was causing.   I left the letter, with a bouquet of flowers, on the table before leaving for a four day business trip.

The result - beyond my fondest dreams!   Although the letter caused her to cry for two days, it also helped her understand that it was not just my problem.  She did some reading and realized that sex is not just an optional part of marriage, it is an essential part of achieving unity and complete love.  For the first time, she assumed some ownership of the situation.  Consequently, we have had more real sexual intimacy in the past month than the two prior decades.   How fabulous to be awakened in the middle of the night to find her naked and whispering in my ear -"I need you and I can't get enough of you!" 

Admittedly a month is not a long time, but she believes that the experience has fundamentally changed her perception of sex.  We can finally share our feelings without shutting down.  She enjoys the unity this has brought us and has found that sexual release helps her sleep better and worry less. 

I cannot fully convey how much this has meant to me and how completely I love her.  I write this not to boast, but rather to offer encouragement and hope to those who frequent this site.   Perhaps some of you will be able to show this letter to your loved one to demonstrate that major change can be swift and ever so sweet.   Having been there, I know that hope is vital in a marriage where sex has become divisive rather than bonding.

NotResigned NotResigned
56-60, M
4 Responses Mar 25, 2009

And They Lived Happily Ever After is all we ever want ...<br />
Nobody gets married to have a sexless or near sexless existence with their mates. <br />
You are indeed extremely fortunate that your wife took "your letter" and "our letters" to heart... she is either very perceptive, or very much in love with you. She has had a revelation that will bond the two of you together because she heard it from not just you, but all of us. That was a very wise attempt on your part to get through to her.<br />
I applaud your actions and happy about your outcome. <br />
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Many of us have wished for your story and<br />
Others have realized that their spouses just dont have the desire to be our lovers.<br />
They are our opposites... My husband admitted that to me ... we are at two extreme ends of different poles. Not what one wants to hear after 40 years of making excuses and accepting something that was never going to be more than what it was ... We do love each other, on a certain level, but our compatibility has been a farce in bed... non-existence intimacy factor<br />
So, as we are happy for you, we are not happy for ourselves. We have HOPE because it springs eternal someone told me ... we count ourselves fortunate to be able to have such a forum as EP to branch out from. <br />
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God wants us to be happy .... so we can share with others.<br />
Thank you for sharing your happiness!

That is so wonderful for you and your wife. I think it's great that you found a way to reconnect.<br />
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Unfortunately, I found that a similar letter did not work at my house and so far I am clueless about the "magic pill" that will awaken my husband to what is missing in our lives.

I wish you Bluebirds of Happiness. :)

This is truly inspiring. I suppose if the other person can comprehend it, it would sure make things a little easier in the marriage.<br />
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I don't think my husband can comprehend it, because I don't think he has ever felt passion, real lust, want, desire. It's very sad.<br />
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I wish you so much happiness. God bless you both and your marriage.<br />
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