What to Do?

Only read if your a shoulder, if not, I could understand if you consider this a waste of your life.  I am now understanding how precious life and time are, because I feel it running out like water from a faucet through my finger tips.  I had a great career in the military, I mean great.  Moving through ranks fast, good pay, on my way to retirement, deployments, the works.  I was very ambitious, full of potential, fun loving, caring yet tough individual.  Mix in a little bit compulsive(just enough that it is not a problem with anything, it just helps when getting things accomplished. I would tackle any obstacle, or do anything for my friends and loved ones.  I gave it all up for my wife. My wife was military too.  We had been stationed away from any family on both sides fro six years.  During which there were 5 deployments.  With a toddler(It's like being a single parent and working fulltime)  During her tours I would do all that and go to school part-time(told you(ambitious remember)).  It was tough, but we were only a little rocky at times.  I had friends I would go out with every now and then, but she didn't.  She is not very good with making friends.  She was raised in one city her whole life.  All her friends and family were there...and I always wanted to make her happy.  (Yeah I know, I'm a poor sap.  Old fashioned.  Flowers at least twice a month for no reason at all.  Bubble paths poured when she came home.  Pretty much remembered all the small things that mattered)  So I gave everything up!  Just as I finished building our 760sq ft multi level cedar deck on our home. (Best thing I ever built)(Mostly done while she was deployed, she deployed the last time)(my toddler helped too:)!)  We put our house on the market, and moved back on base.  My six-year tour was almost done.  So I decided that I would go to school full-time and separate, if she could get an assignment to her home town.  Immediately after returing she had to leave for training for a couple of months, leaving me with our child for more time.  I spent my last two months studying and getting ready to start back into school at age 25 and working out 3 hours a day(plus taking care of everything else like finding a realtor at the new location and bills and our child), but i wanted to try and get to that body that we all dream about.  During that time, just like when she was deployed she was constantly out drinking with other guys(a problem that had been addressed but never fixed).  Upon returing home, I had that body and she didn't care.  She was more concerned about her own not being what she wanted.  I was alread separated so no turing back.  And I was begining to see signs that maybe this wasn't the best idea for me.  So we moved, the last house was in my name, so we decided to put this one in hers.  I had picked the last one, so she picked this one.  (I hate it, she never does anything on it, not even landscaping, thank goodness I did a fair amount of construction before joining because I don't know what I'dve done)  She is in a job where she works 12 hour days, and is going tdy constantly(non-deploable).  4.0 in my first semester doing 15sem hrs, and doing 17 sem hrs now.(full-time is12)(got my AA before separating, but I am going for a BA in comp sci)  As if it isn't bad enough getting up and getting our child ready for school and fed.  Dropping her/him off then racing to my school to take classes back to back for six hours with no lunch and then racing back to pick her up and have dinner ready by the time she gets home.  Not to mention fitting in all the studying I have to get done.  When the weekend hits I am doing reserves one weekend a month, or sitting at home while she is out with her friends, or family.  It's not like we had alot of sex before with all the deployments, but now it's is almost never.  I've talked about it to avail.  I have a 9 in pen** and I like to wait until she goes before I do, but now niether of us do because (when we rarely do) shes not into it.  I've even tried to spice things up(without getting into crazy stuff) I don't even try anymore, i got shot down so much.  And since it was always on her-time so I stopped trying, but now it is never.  We fight all the time, and our child sees this.  I tried bringing that up to her, but it is wierd.  I am too old to yell and scream and throw sarcasm and bad words.  I stopped all that more than a year ago.  She still does it, including throwing things and slamming doors.  I am 25, well beyond that type of childishness.  I got married once, that is all I wanted, been married 5 years and went into it wanting to always be able to work it out knowing it's hard but you have to work at it.  What do you do when your the only one.  I know she wouldn't not have a easy time without me(thats how much I do around here) But, I have spiralled into a world of depression and hopelessness.  Fear of losing the only pure person in my life my daughter, is the only thing holding me here.  I know I deserve so much better, I am/was what lots of woman are looking for(good looking, funny, tough(when necessary), nice body, goal oriented, smart, ambitous, easy going, caring.  I feel like I should be out there finding better.  I still get okay money, I don't rely on her for that.  No debt, I don't have/do credit cards.  I drink more now, alot of things seem not to matter anymore.  I have no life in me.  She has drained me of everything.  I am still mr. mom, which isn't necessarily a bad thing if I had some help.  I believe in the 21st century and that a woman can do just the same as a man can.  But I hate my life and everything in it right now.  Things have even caused me to resent my daughter, and that hurts too...she doesn't deserve that.  She is an angel.  I am not crazy, or would do anything crazy (i'm level headed and educated)  So you can through those psycholigocal worries out the window.  I love learning, but that has no real meaning anymore.  My drive has almost all but vanished, like my happiness.  I know I need something new, or maybe I truly just don't need anyone at all...and be alone!

wishing4bettter wishing4bettter
4 Responses Mar 25, 2009

Thank you for sharing this with us. It's been a difficult time but in the end I hope you find happiness whether that means working on the marriage or learning to cope differently, etc.

I wouldn't mind talking to anybody...this whole experience is new to me, but it feels good to be able to talk.

Don't start not caring about yourself. I have been through a lot of things in my life. I was depressed because nothing I did or said did any good. I am still married now because of a child. I am at the point now that I just don't care anymore.<br />
I met a very nice man that I am now seeing and feel so much better about myself<br />
<br />
Hang in there and take care of yourself and think about yourself for a change

I am very sorry to hear about this. You do deserve more than what your getting. Gosh I feel your pain so much. If you want to talk more We can Message eachother if its okay with you.