****, Weight and a Sexless Marriage

About a month ago, I discovered that my husband of two years was 
watching **** over the net. When I confronted him, he immediately denied 
it - even with the evidence on the screen. At first I was shocked and 
outraged as we had discussed **** in the past and agreed that we held 
simular views. So WHY was he actively searching and looking at this 
whilst I lay asleep in our bed on a Sunday morning? I look at this man I 
have been with for over eight years and just wonder if I know who he 
really is and what else he has been hiding and lying to me about. 


Finding my husband seeking this sexual outlet, left me feeling 
disrespected as a wife and paranoid that he has become desensitised to 
this material and will think of it as a norm or have these images in his 
head whilst we are together. I feel I have lost a level of respect for 
him I won’t get back and at the time I needed to understand the reason 
for this behaviour. I have only had sex with my husband and to me making 
love needs to involve love (not sex toys).

After a barrage of questions and tears, my husband albeit begrudgingly 
but honestly admitted that he is no longer sexually attracted to me due 
to a 10 kilo weight gain and has resorted to watching **** for the last 
eight months.

I am in my early thirties, tall, size 12 with an hour glass figure; I 
weigh 70kgs and get unwanted male attention nearly everyday...except 
from the man I married. 

My husband said that as I am fat he doesn’t want to have sex with me 
often and when he does, he is not interested in putting any effort in 
for my sake as he is just not turned on by my body. He complained that I 
am bad in bed as I lack confidence, don’t want to try new things and 
want to cover my body up with a sheet in bed -which is all true. In part 
I was aware of his critical eyes and find it difficult to be vulnerable 
and let go in these circumstances and but than again, maybe I am just 
too straight – but that is the way I have always been. I am so angry, 
sad and confused. I comfort myself with the knowledge that to the 
external world, I am the more attractive of the two of us yet I would 
have loved him till he was old, saggy and grey. 

I have joined the gym to save this marriage but in the back of my mind, 
I am scared that he just wants a show pony by his side and that his love 
is conditional on always being a size eight.. What if this soon to be 
size eight sheds not only kilos but the last of her love..What if 
that’s not enough and I am expected to become some Karma sutra master? 
Does this all sound too wrong..Does a man really love you truly if this 
is how he thinks ? Please help.

Disillusioned 

Alitaa Alitaa
31-35
3 Responses Mar 25, 2009

Bellove, <br />
<br />
I never said I watch it. I'll leave it to the candid observer of this thread to say which of us sounds "jaded." <br />
<br />
My point: p*** watching is normal and is not always to blame. Jumping to a contrary conclusion can be harmful. <br />
<br />
Your point: Wrong! I had a terrible experience and many women do too!<br />
<br />
If there were ever a clearer example of "talking past each other," I cannot think of it.

Bellove, I am truly sorry to hear it. You're right that addiction is the appropriate term in your case, and I can see the argument that a husband's not wanting sex can be exacerbated by his **** addiction. I'm sure you're right that, like anything, **** can become an unhealthy obsession. <br />
<br />
Please don't take my response as an assertion that **** is a good thing or that it should be encouraged. <br />
<br />
I suppose my post was directed at addressing this: a woman who catches her husband watching **** and not knowing any more about the subject may be inclined to say "how COULD he - doesn't he love me? Why this is mental CHEATING! I'm outta here!" <br />
<br />
There's a danger in responding to such feelings with an "amen, sister, your husband is a sinner and is cheating. P***destroys marriages! Dump his butt! Naomi Wolf, baby!" (I'm exaggerating for the point of emphasis. This was, of course, not the tone of your response.)<br />
<br />
In reality, given such a reaction, if every husband's secret **** watching were brought into the light of day, 80% of marriages would fall apart. My guess is that's the percentage of married men who have viewed p*** at some point in their relationship. It may be a conservative guess.<br />
<br />
I would therefore respond to a woman who knows that (1) I live in a sexless marriage and (2) my husband watches p***by encouraging her NOT to immediately conclude that p*** is to blame. Though in the case of your husband's addiction, his habit was a main factor, it is probably not the driving factor in all cases. <br />
<br />
I think the preferable response is that the issue be dealt with in counseling that addresses sexual problems holistically.

Respectfully, I don't think Naomi Wolf is the right person to be reading about men and p***ography. Her stance is agenda-driven and probably not full of useful information for a woman who catches her husband watching it.<br />
<br />
Here's the thing: the overwhelming majority of men have watched p***. I would say that there are nearly as many who watch it regularly and - yes - m*******te. <br />
<br />
Of these, most have a healthy sexual attraction to their wives. <br />
<br />
I would avoid, if I were you, the urge to blame your husband's problems on p***. Women tend to find it incomprehensible and utterly revolting that men enjoy p***. But the fact is that men are wired that way. This will probably sound trite, but if women were as tempted by p*** as men are, then the vast majority of women would be p*** consumers as well. That remark isn't intended to be insulting. I simply mean to say that, for men, enjoying p*** is the norm, not enjoying it the rare exception, and resisting it an act of enormous willpower.<br />
<br />
(For what it's worth, many men see p*** as a vice and try (not always successfully) to control themselves.)<br />
<br />
And I'd say it's equally important to know that your husband can love you wholeheartedly, never dream of cheating, not be into anything else immoral and still - gasp- enjoy p***.<br />
<br />
I understand bellove's use of the term "addiction," but I don't think it's constructive. The word implies something that can be dealt with via - say - a 12-step program. For men, m*******tion is just going to be around as long as their sex drives last. Trying to drive m*******tion underground IS a good way to lead to sexual dysfunction. And, because it's just the way we are, p*** is often a part of m*******tion. <br />
<br />
Like the commenters above, I would encourage marital counseling. But I urge you to dispel the idea that your husband is a horrible person for having watched p***. Sex is romantic for men, but it just flat-out is also visual. Watching p*** shouldn't be equated to cheating. It doesn't mean he'll cheat, and it doesn't mean he doesn't still love you deeply.