I Live In a Sexless Marriage

About a month ago, I discovered that my husband of two years was 
watching **** over the net. When I confronted him, he immediately denied 
it - even with the evidence on the screen. At first I was shocked and 
outraged as we had discussed **** in the past and agreed that we held 
simular views. So WHY was he actively searching and looking at this 
whilst I lay asleep in our bed on a Sunday morning? I look at this man I 
have been with for over eight years and just wonder if I know who he 
really is and what else he has been hiding and lying to me about. 

Finding my husband seeking this sexual outlet, left me feeling 
disrespected as a wife and paranoid that he has become desensitised to 
this material and will think of it as a norm or have these images in his 
head whilst we are together. I feel I have lost a level of respect for 
him I won’t get back and at the time I needed to understand the reason 
for this behaviour. I have only had sex with my husband and to me making 
love needs to involve love (not sex toys).

After a barrage of questions and tears, my husband albeit begrudgingly 
but honestly admitted that he is no longer sexually attracted to me due 
to a 10 kilo weight gain and has resorted to watching **** for the last 
eight months.

I am in my early thirties, tall, size 12 with an hour glass figure; I 
weigh 70kgs and get unwanted male attention nearly everyday...except 
from the man I married. 

My husband said that as I am fat he doesn’t want to have sex with me 
often and when he does, he is not interested in putting any effort in 
for my sake as he is just not turned on by my body. He complained that I 
am bad in bed as I lack confidence, don’t want to try new things and 
want to cover my body up with a sheet in bed -which is all true. In part 
I was aware of his critical eyes and find it difficult to be vulnerable 
and let go in these circumstances and but than again, maybe I am just 
too straight – but that is the way I have always been. I am so angry, 
sad and confused. I comfort myself with the knowledge that to the 
external world, I am the more attractive of the two of us yet I would 
have loved him till he was old, saggy and grey. 

I have joined the gym to save this marriage but in the back of my mind, 
I am scared that he just wants a show pony by his side and that his love 
is conditional on always being a size eight.. What if this soon to be 
size eight sheds not only kilos but the last of her love..What if 
that’s not enough and I am expected to become some Karma sutra master? 
Does this all sound too wrong..Does a man really love you truly if this 
is how he thinks ? Please help.

Alitaa Alitaa
8 Responses Mar 25, 2009

I hope you read this one... I am a wife, happily married for 15 years. Conservative such as yourself, married my husband when I was a size 9 now I am in the double numbers 22-24 plus! Now, let me just say here that love is unconditional! No matter what size your are round, tall, short, fat, size 9 or size 8. It should not matter. Love is what its all about in marriage. You can be just as sexy being 10 lbs heavier if you know how to love your man. Now, I'm all for getting in shape, I use to run five miles per day, work out in the gym 1-2 hours every day. Not to stay in shape, but, because I enjoyed it and it made ME HAPPY. I did not do it for any other reason. Sex is a gift given to you from God as husband and wife to enjoy each other. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. When you make love to your husband, you are giving a piece of your self to him and visa versa. My husband enjoys looking at **** and I'm not a big fan of it but, like you, I do it for him and his enjoyment and sometimes, it turns me on, I must admit. However, I struggle with it because of my religious background and I know what it can lead to. But, you can't worry about everything in your marriage. It should be the one thing that's final. Do what your heart tells you. If you think he just wants a trophy wife and you don't want to be that, tell him. Express your feelings to him - just as he shared his with you. Don't just take it an crawl back under the sheets. If you truly want this man, and want to keep him, lose the 10 lbs or whatever. Make him want you again - you know how to do it - ;) and if he wants a toy in the bedroom try it once and if you don't like it, let him know. At least he will respect that you did try it. My husband and I went through the toy phase. Trust me it's a phase. If he wants you to try one, have him try one too. Experiment. You know the saying be a lady in the living room, a FREAK in the bedroom and a Short order cook in the kitchen - all these keep your husband at home and his heart in place. Dont' let some other FREAK take him away on a small technicality that you could have done yourself. Unless of course, you don't want him anymore. But, that does not seem to be the case. Enjoy your man and his toy phase and ****. If you don't some other woman will. How do I know? I use to be one of the "Other" women before I got married.

First of all, I think that wieght should not matter if you are in love. Though I know after having my son I wieghed alot more than before and even though my ex husband never said it I knew that my wieght had become an issue. We went months without having se, kissing, or touching of any kind. I had caught him watching **** as well. He prefered that to me. now all his girlfriends are much bigger than I was so it really makes no sense. Toys? I cant say much b/c I used to feel the same way you do but now I would prefer toys over a man most of the time. <br />
I also agree that it is verbal abuse and you shouldnt have to deal with that. NOBODY should.

I for one don't think that **** is such a killing issue if it is discussed -- the range of human sexuality is magnificent and that can be a healthy outlet/addition<br />
<br />
Insofar as the weight issue is concerned, yes, attraction does wane if someone puts on many pounds (though it shouldn't but some people have their own weight issues) but with discussion should be resolved and if you're really in love should ultimately not matter that much (I think the effort of working on it is more of a turn on than saying "oh, there's not much I can do about it so just accept me, btw, I'M the one who gained weight)<br />
<br />
However, there is NEVER any reason to call someone fat, lazy, stupid, bad in bed -- that's just inconsiderate, insensitive and mean! It's verbal abuse. My partner said when asked "is it becuase I've gained weight" and it was hard to hear the answer was "yes". So I've been trying to lose more weight but we have other issues too.

i have to give another side to the **** issue -- i'm not advocating **** instead of actual sex with a partner. for me, **** allows for a vicarious passion that i don't get at home with my partner. i'd much, much rather have sex with her than watch ****, but that is not an option. <br />
<br />
in fact, i prefer amateur **** b/c they are real people, and there is something reassuring to me that there are real people out there that are truly passionate about sex. i don't like the blown up, fake women. i love that my partner has put on about 20 pounds in the last few years, she looks more beautiful now than she did when she was super thin. there is something about real that is so attractive. i don't like fake.<br />
<br />
so, not all men are about the double standards. it's too bad my opinion of how my partner looks matters as little as it does to her. part of her reasoning for not wanting sex now is that she "doesn't feel sexy" with the extra weight. never mind that i tell her how sexy i think she is, and how the weight suits her. she didn't want sex all that much before either when she was thinner.

i agree with you cloe it is f'ing ridiculous. the double standards that some men have. my husband acts like he is doing me a favor every time he has sex with me. its like oh you just had it yesterday or you just had it 3 weeks ago but he can ask for head all of the ******* time. he watches **** too and says i am fat and nasty too. yet i cant walk out of the house without men looking at me. its so freaking sad. thank goodness all men are not like this but unfortunately too many are. its so damn shallow. i understand you want your woman to look good. who wouldn't! but isnt love supposed to be blind. what happens when i become old and gray, what should he do then if he is already treating me like ****, just lock me up in the corner in my wheel chair then, because i really will be of no use. they dont realize that them downing us because we aren't "perfect" does not help us to look better or feel better. it makes it worse. i know i eat when i am upset and i drink and i smoke. anything to try the ease the stress. him downing me is not going to make me turn back into that vixen. i totally can relate girl. but i do think its bigger than the ****. **** is not the worst thing in the world, a lot of people **********. there is nothing wrong with that, i would much prefer he jack off then let someone else jack him off, but what is wrong is him making you feel like ****. these men have some ******* nerve. i dont even know why we try so hard for their undeserving *****!

isn't it funny how men compare their wives to the p*rn images they see and then judge their wives for not looking like that, when they themselves are not much to look at either???? they say they are "visual animals"... like women don't need visual stimulation.... it sounds like that old myth we were fed in the past that men cheat because they are the hunters and that us women don't really need sex because we only look for love!!! ha, ha! it's ridiculous.

please stop with your self criticism! you are not the problem. p*rn is not "normal" and it destoys relationships. <br />
i am not old-fashioned at all and always considered myself to be very open to all sorts of things. when i found out that my husband was watching p*rn behind my back, i put aside my own hurt (because we live in a vitually sexless marriage and i desperately want him to want me too) and i thought to myself: "what can i learn from this? how can i please him better in bed?" i told him that i was unhappy that he was doing this behind my back and asked him to include me when he watched p*rn so that we could make love together after that, instead of him getting off alone on it. we did this a few times. i felt hurt but did it anyway because i wanted him to want me. i even did things for him i always said i would never do. i did everything i could. i even bought a blonde wig! <br />
but after everything i did, it still wasn't enough. i found out he has been watching p*rn regularly by himself. needless to say, he doesn't touch me anymore either. he can't seem to get excited about my body at all. i have also put on a few kilos, but i am not a "fat" person and other men do still find me attractive.<br />
so this is my point: no matter what you do, you cannot compete with p*rn. you will NEVER be young enough (who can stay 16???), thin enough, adventurous enough (at first they want anal, then **********, the depravity will never end)... the list goes on. by trying to change yourself to be MORE for him, you will only feel used and humiliated. i know i do. i can't look myself in the mirror. no person should go to these lengths to be loved.<br />
this is HIS problem. he has become sexually dysfunctional. please read naomi woolfs article on how p*rn actually can make a man impotent to the real thing. you will realise that it has NOTHING to do with you. as long as you are blaming yourself, you are justifying his behaviour. also look at dr phil's website under the archives under the title "is watching p*rn cheating?" <br />
men have no idea just how much they hurt their spouses by watching p*rn.

Well, I can side with him if you let yourself go. Men get aroused by looks, its a fact. Maybe you should ask him to join you in working out. I look at my life and I see how seperated my relationship is with my wife. We rarely do anything together unless I hang around her. Its a oneway street. Its just like having sex. She gets it the same way everytime and thats it any other way is a hassell for her. She reads books but not on sex after 40. I wish I could figure out this wall all wifes put up when it comes to sex with the one they love.