Is It Really That Important?

While I am not married, I have had three long lived relationships. In all three, we were lovers but not in the context of penetration. We laughed, we cried, we made out, but we never had sex. It was more important that we could trust each other, that we could share our feelings, that we could be us.

I am clearly not opposed to sex but why does it have to be the focus of almost everything? KY Intrique, Viagra...please! We can't feed or find shelter for the poor but we can spend our time and money on "sex."

I am not a prude; nor am I out of my mind. I just think that there is more to living and living together than to worry about how you perform in bed.

rikki60 rikki60
36-40, F
16 Responses Aug 21, 2007

Amen! Brother! I am all for relaxing. We take this stuff way too seriously in the scheme of things. We pass this way once.<br />
We leave behind both the good and the evil that we did.<br />
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It is for us to choose our path and no one else.

The biggest problem with sex in America is the polarization of it. Sex is made out to be the most glorious thing in the world and also the most dirty thing that must be hidden and not talked about. Kids grow up and see sex all over the place in movies, TV shows, films, commercial, magazines, billboards, etc. But they are also (most of them) given messages that sex is only for adults and is very serious business. So why shouldn't people be such a bunch of sexual deviants (or sexually repressed) when our society is so schizophrenic? When we can't be honest with ourselves about what sex really is. A very pleasurable experience between a man and a woman. Sex has been given so many other unnecesary overtones with people feeling guilt and remorse, sadness, disgust, hate, and absolute worship as well. I think we should just all try to chill out and spend some quality time f$cking each other. Just relax!! (BTW I'm not just preaching, I need to relax myself as well LOL)

Hmmmmm....abb8279.....interesting observation but I don't think you would marry your brothers, sisters, or parents since we are circling the topic of sexless marriage.<br />
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I absolutely agree that the world is too preoccupied with sex. Or, should I say the US. Perhaps it is our upbringing and the way the country was first populated by religious groups. Other countries around the world perceive us to be prudish and sexually immature.<br />
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The world, however, will not impose upon me what type of relationship I have. That is my choice and no one else.

Particularly if she is blonde?

we are in danger of losing sight of the term SEXLESS MARRIAGE thats why we are on here.....we just aren't getting any...or enough of it......as I always say its.....glue that binds.....a marriage without is a............sham

I've had 3 serious relationships in my life, each of them with a different sexual/intimacy level. I pondered why for the past couple years and with the third relationship in it's 2nd year I finally figured it out - or came to a conclusion that seems to fit my situation (s)...<br />
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#1 When you are in a committed relationship and are unable to have physical intimacy (sex) it makes you want it that much more ... can literally drive you to the brink of insanity. While if you were not in a committed relationship you might no care when the next time was. I has something to do with the psychology of having another half there who's unwilling to share that part of them with you - the part that's supposed to be only for you and for showing each other how much you love one another (aside from other ways - this being the most intimate.)<br />
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#2 I believe as time goes by libidos change, people change - needs, desires, etc. all change. Illness, stressors, finances, children, family relationships, etc. can also factor in to any libido change and I believe we'd be foolish to think that the libido will not change because 4 months prior to the wedding our soon to be partner said they would prefer to be intimate 3x's/wk. We MUST realize that there are highs and lows as with anything - phases. Loving someone and liking them too (being great friends) will help in getting through this.<br />
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I happen to know personally because I've been through this a time or two.<br />
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In my first relationship we did not discuss expectations. Approx 18 mos after our wedding I fell ill for 2 months with constant migraines. Sex was out of the question for the most part (there were a couple times in there but not like normal) during that time. After the migraines retreated the sex life came back alive. However, it would be about 2 years later that he'd begin rejecting me and would continue to do so for the next 3-4 years I guess it was. It was an affair even though once the migraines went away we'd returned to and maintained what we'd had prior to the wedding.<br />
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The second relationship I'm a LOT embarrassed to talk about. Upon discussing expectations he basically told me he was "vanilla" (supposedly boorish and not wanting it THAT often) ... turns out the man was a freak without a leash and I couldn't get him to leave his yard! Don't get me wrong - I LOVE sex but I guess no matter how much I loved him, I just wasn't THAT attracted to him to want to be more than "vanilla" ... Not that it's an excuse but I was also recovering from a bad accident (still am 3.5 years later.) I hate to admit that I simply didn't 'want' him and I find it quite embarrassing. It makes me feel rather shallow to be honest. But should I allow it? <br />
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On a side note: This #2 fellow ... he started becoming violent because he wasn't getting 'it' as often as he would have liked. Now keep in mind I was not withholding from him. I made sure that when he was home he got sex but he could NOT get enough EVER and if I hurt too badly or was not awake for his needs, etc. he would turn evil on me ... the brink of insanity I spoke about.<br />
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Anyhow...<br />
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The third relationship has been nothing shy of amazing in 'that' department. I feel more in love than I ever have. It's beyond anything I'd ever imagined. It's mutual like that and we cannot get enough of one another! This makes me wonder if the more in love you are with someone, the more attractive you find them, the more you want to 'show' them how much you love them??? Any ideas/thoughts on that? Because, folks ... I loved sex before but now ... WOOWEE BABY! I hadn't any idea that sex got better or that your libido would increase to this degree... I can only attribute it to my s.o., how I feel about him, how attractive I find him, how I know he feels about me, our rapport and communication, etc.<br />
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So I suppose I'm asking those of you who have had a few or more serious relationships if: You found different levels/degrees of love and if your libido grew with the increasing depth of love? This is how it seems to be for me.

kat619, it does happen to men. My Marine was a man. The problem was that he could not relax and enjoy a gift of love. I think that men, as they age, worry too much about sex being a gauge of their manliness. Men are strange beasts. But, I guess that we are too. Venus, Mars? It is difficult for men to open up and share their feelings. It takes work on our part.<br />
If we truly love, then true love will succeed.

My situation is one of being the unhappy half of a sexless relationship. I'm not a nympho, or shallow, or looking for him to become dependent on me for what I can "do" for him...I just LOVE this man with all my heart and am amazed by his complete lack of physical response to me, despite the feelings he expresses daily. I feel like for a man, it's not NORMAL to never seem to be turned on by the one woman you've chosen to have in your life, at least for now and possibly in the future. He loves me, wants me at his house all the time, wants me in his life...and yet, we barely even kiss. It makes me question everything from his true feelings to my own attractiveness. I've told him how I feel, but nothing changes. He says he can't explain it but it has something to do with performance and getting older and worries....but he loves me and everything's fine and it will happen "some day." He's talking marriage at this point and it's only been four months....but how could you consider marrying someone with whom you never share physical intimacy in any form? WOULD it even happen some day, if it hasn't in 4 months?

Orca...I do believe that it is an individual choice. If you like it, you do it when you need to do it. While people often say that it is a basic animal instinct, I like to think we are not that type of animal. If you love someone, you save it and share it, and it remains a gift of love!

Oly, sports are okay, I guess. They provide entertainment and an emotional tie with others. Personally, I consider them to be ice breakers for conversation.

This is an intertesing outlook and everyone has a different sex drive. Just curous if your partner feels the same as you do ?<br />
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I dont care for football -- but I understand I am a minority ---so what the majority does may not be my taste. So why all the fuss about sports ?<br />
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Maybe I dwell on the subject

As they say...if you have a good sex life, it's 10%===if you don't then it's 90% So...if snuggling with a "best friend" lover is good for you, great. It's not just the penetration that most of us miss..........it's the connection in talking, sharing, holding, slow dancing and that deep down in the corners of my heart feel good......

Welllll....I get it [when I want it!] But...most people don't like used cars; they usually have problems! :)P

Yes. Yes it is really that important. As important as air, or water. Please don't take this the wrong way, but didn't you read *any* of the postings in this forum? Perhaps you "understood" at an intellectual level only, meaning YOU JUST *(*&@#$ DON'T GET IT. Heh. Double-entendre. <br />
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Is air the focus of everything?

I have a very good woman friend. When I travel to her city I sleep on her floor in a one room apartment!<br />
sex?<br />
It is a total and absolute no no. It will never happen, it has never happened. There is no problem here, no tension or stress. We have both agreed this and are happy to remain sexless forever.<br />
However, in my mariage that is different. I agree sex is not the be all and end all of marriage. But it is there in the mix. And when my wife refuses me, rejects me and leads me through lies, that demeans me and weakens the marriage.<br />
Plus by the way, it does not destroy my life in other spheres. I can weep and gnash my teeth over my lack of sex and still campaign on housing issues, give to charity and advocate for the rights of the opressed.<br />
I just want to make love to my wife, nothing more.<br />
Barganax

Jake...no need for an apology. I think my mother did it on purpose [the spelling of my name.] I do not disagree with what you are saying regarding a mutual understanding. It is probably the way I think in that prior to entering a long relationship or marriage, I would want our respective views to be aired. I don't mean "fluff" or BS but what are the respective expectations. I would be terribly hurt if I knew that my boyfriend felt they had to "perform" or they would get a bad grade. You don't do that to people you love. Sorry for the long winded response to an apology.<br />
Hugs....Rikki