Feeling Frustrated and Lonely...

 I found this site and even though I hate that others are suffering, I have to admit it is comforting to find people who understand what being in a sexless marriage is like.

My husband and I have been together 18 years.  Our wedding anniversary is actually next week ;-( 

Up until the last 6 months we have had a good marriage with good sex.  There have been few times during the many years that we argue or have had problems.

A couple years ago, my husband had colon resection surgery for colon cancer.  For a while, he was afraid to have sex.  He eventually got over it.  That was understandable and even though I missed having sex at the time, I wasn't upset with him.

The past 6 months it seems he has just lost interest.  He is more into some new projects he has taken on at work.  I think he is stressed a bit too with the economy.  In the old days, sex used to be a way to relax.  Now it is like he doesn't even think about it.  I feel like screaming sometimes.

He is a workaholic and always has been.  I have never nagged him about it.  I am not the kind of wife who makes my husband responsible for my happiness, or at least I didn't think I was! lol  My husband kisses me good bye every morning and hello when he comes home.  He kisses me goodnight.  He just is not interested in me sexually and doesn't talk about it.  I am really quiet and it is difficult for me to discuss my feelings with him. The last couple times we had sex, I commented both times afterwards that we need to do it more often which got no response from him.

I clean up everyday, do my hair, put my make up on, etc.  Lately, I have taken extra care to make sure I look good, smell good and all that stuff.  I try to wear things that are sexier...a little lace showing and stuff like that. He usually tells me I look nice or comments about my perfume...but it has no effect on him.

I tried to broach the subject with him a couple times and he said he just fell asleep too early....and now, he just ignores me.

My husband is not a romantic.  He likes it if I light the candles and put on something sexy...but he would never take the initiative to light candles on his own and he is not the cuddly type.  Sex has always fulfilled that need for me....it's my way of connecting with him and feeling that he loves me.  Now there is nothing.

Lately, I am obsessed with this.  Aaargh.  When he is home I am either holding back tears or angry words.  I feel hurt that it would never occur to him that I am lonely.

I guess the one good thing that has come out of this is that I realize how deeply I love my husband.  I know he loves me, but I would like to be assured he is still IN love with me.  It's amazing how it really screws with a persons self esteem.  I feel very unattractive and I need to quit eating junk food trying to make up for what's really missing! lol


trying2cope trying2cope
4 Responses Mar 26, 2009

If you are starting to feel angry and resentful, before that spoils what you have, maybe try writing him a letter if it's hard to talk to him...<br />
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It would be less pressure for him to read it when he is alone and doesn't have to respond right away...<br />
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Much of what you said here you could say to him that way... <br />
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Let him know that though you understand the importance of his work and support him in that, that you are feeling lonely and hurt...<br />
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Might help... Don't think it could do any harm...

I'm sorry that you're in the same boat with the rest of us...<br />
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... workaholic huh? His real work is being your man... don't you think?<br />
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Of course you do... <br />
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Hugs,<br />
james<br />

that hits home. we never had a great sex life, but it was better when there was less stress -- she's a professional woman and the stress wreaks havoc on her sex drive (what little there is). yes, the self-esteem issue is huge. i've been dealing with depression and subsequent alcoholism since things took a turn for the worse last year. good luck to you, you will find kind souls here that will listen without judgment.

It sounds like he has lots on his mind right now...And that makes it hard...to get hard......You say that he is a workaholic....But what type of work does he do???? Some jobs are more stressful right now....I mean...He does not work for AIG does he....If he does...then with what I just heard on the news...No wonder he is distracted...<br />
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I do understand where you are coming from/....For I am a wife...that is going without...In tnd only one was good...But I think that (and I know it will be hard) you need to give him a bit of space....You are getting some attention from him...That is more than most of us here...<br />
I am sure that if you keep up the first moves...He will come around once more.....