Sex After An Affair

My partner had an affair outside of marriage and I was devastated for almost two years. We've been married for 14 years. We have decided to reconcile and are in counseling, but I find it difficult to initiate sex (it's been over a year) as I cannot stop thinking of her with another man not just sexually, but emotionally.

We're both very mature and considerate and thoughtful but this is a tough issue for anyone.

I am trying thought-stopping techniques about them 'together', when it seems we might get close, but I think she is ashamed and nervous and I am traumatized so it's all very difficult to let go of when the time might seem right.

We were not having frequent sex for about 4 years before the affair, but had great sex for the fist 5-8 years.

Anyone else gone through this?




selfstarter selfstarter
2 Responses Mar 26, 2009

There is a great book that the two of you can read. WHEN GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS, BY MIRA KIRSHENBAUM. <br />
<br />
The key is to really focus on keeping the lines of communication open. She needs to be aware and understanding and giving and loving toward your pain, and you need to let her know that you are trusting and forgiving. It's hard for both people.<br />
<br />
If the love and foundation of your marriage is strong, you can get through this with lots of hard work and communication.<br />
<br />
God bless you for trying.

My husband had an affair less than a year ago. When I found out, I was crushed and so angry. Like you and your wife, my husband and I decided to reconcile. But it took everything in me to have sex with him again because in my mind I would envision him with her (and I don't even know what she looks like). I had to seek help from a therapist in order to really give my husband another chance. And it is not easy, it takes a lot of work on both parties to make it work. But if that's what you want, and its worth it too you both, then nothing is to hard. And it can actually make your marriage stronger over time. Good Luck to you and your wife. God Bless You both.