Well I Tryed - Again and Again and Again and Again

I tried again to talk to my wife about what was missing in my marriage -- I try and I try and it goes the same way every time. When I bring it up its "You want sex " usually in a tone of voice that makes me feel like a child asking for candy before dinner .

I told her about this group and told her "I am not the only person that feels like I do  - I AN NOT wrong" ...but she told me that --"Your an unhappy person" , "You have low self esteem" --she just loves to tell me how I feel -- its never her fault. She say ALL the people in this group are unhappy and control freaks ( so are you guys like that ?)

This time I kept my cool -- this group gave me confidence that I am "normal" and I did not want a heated argument and not accomplish nothing

I have been trying to be extra good - per her complaints about me I have been positive about  almost everything - I give her respect and stop any posable bickers

I think my wife WANTS to be unhappy  !!!!

But at the end I got something -- just a fragment of something -- she claims that I did not "support" her  / back her up / stand up to people and it hard to have sex with a person like that - true -- I did do many things like that  - before I quit drinking -- these events are maybe 1985 or before -- I have apologized and asked forgiveness -- How does one get there spouse to forgive ?-- these events are NOT affairs or anything that major --but to her that are mountains -- I figure if I can help her get rid of these feeling she will be better -- I have not had sex maybe 5 yrs and maybe once a month befor that for the last 20 yrs  -- I dont even know how to deal with such a person

Also to be quite frank -- I dont think we love each other any longer -- I am trying to rekindle this and add some excitement

Plus she has told me "I havent changed a bit " -- the resentment is so strong in her

Oly Oly
51-55, M
6 Responses Aug 21, 2007

There is always an excuse. Usually your fault somehow. You will run circles trying to fix it. Only you though. She has already abandoned the marriage. She must be on with this or she would be seeking therapy herself.

Your situation sounds just like mine. She told me so many times that she knew I just wanted to have sex, it got to the point of "Whats the use?" So I stopped trying to be nice and just accept that our love life was over. When it gets to the point of "I don't think we love each other any more" and it starts to sink in, its time to move on. If you know its not going to get any better, you can live with it and be frustrated or move on. That's what I did. Its hard at first. Sometimes you just have to face facts. If she has resentment and she wants to let it go, its up to her to do it. If she can't, you can't do anything about that.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Good luck to you.

I would agree that there are some deeply rooted issues that she is fearly of allowing them to surface because if she did, she would have to take responsibilty for HER feelings and HER emotions and HER shortcomings. As long as she evades the root issue she can always try to make you feel guilty. <br />
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Try this, write a list or a letter of all the things that you've said, done or not done or should have done that may have caused her pain, but start each item off by saying, " I know that I, I realized that I, I should have and other pre sentence starters that acknowledges you accept responsibility for your portion of her unhappiness. At the end of this list or letter ask her one final question "What Else Can you do to remove her pain and cause her to fall in love with you all over again." <br />
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If she does not cooperate/participate it is evident that she enjoys cuddling with her pain and misery and there is not much that you can do about it.

Oly I am sorry about your situation. I am in a very similar situation here... but you know, you just have to learn to move forward. I am.<br />
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I have plans in my near future... and by next Spring, I will (hopefully) in full swing. It does take time though. And a lot of thought.<br />
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Anyway, there are so many ways you can go here. You just have to figure out what makes YOU happy - and get yourself there! Good luck my friend....

The defensive reaction she displays may be a sign that she is aware of her problem, I commend you for your patience and understanding. You both need to attend counseling in order for her to let go of the past. She may but hurt by your action that you dismiss as nothing major. Talk and LISTEN to what she has to say. Hang in there, there is always hope.

Oh my god you must be so frustrated!! Ithought I was frustrated and my husbad only lost interest 2 months ago. He has decided he would rather work 80 hours a weel and leave me to run the house and raise the kids myself and anytime I even mention sex it's always I am too tired maybe on the weekend which never happens anyhow. I have no idea why he lost interest all of a sudden after 6 years of him being the horniest person I ever knew and he refuses to even discuss the possibilty of going to the doctors about it!! <br />
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I have no advice as to how to deal with your wife if all those things were that long ago though she should have well and truly gotten over it by now and forgiven you. I think anyhow!