Married Not Consummated

I'm middle-aged, and my wife and I got married a year and a half ago. We rent an apartment and have no children. To this date, we have yet to consummate the marriage.

When we went through premarital counselling, we both agreed that sex two to three times per week was reasonable. She was also physically affectionate (hugs and kisses) but after the "I do's" it seemed like a switch got flipped.

Although she's a friend and a good wife in every other respect, there's been no physical intimacy since (not even on the honeymoon). I'm forced to sleep on the couch (partly because I snore), but I feel like a stranger in my own home.

I've discussed this issue twice with her, but she says I'm pressuring her, and that sex shouldn't be that important in a marriage! I've given up even asking anymore, and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

If this is the honeymoon phase and it goes downhill from here, I don't think I want to stick around for the rest.  I feel like this marriage is a prison sentence.

She seems perfectly content with the way things are. I work hard, provide for her, take her on trips, and do my best to make her happy, but to no avail. I feel rejected and alone, and don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like just a meal ticket. I feel like I am married to my sister. I'm out of options and my heart for her is going numb quickly.

Dugster89 Dugster89
7 Responses Mar 27, 2009

I am in the same boat so to speak ... totally sexless marriage <br />
I have been married many mnay years and I'm still a Virgin .. this is not a leg pull this is for real ... I posted on a forum asking if there was a surrogacy service available just to at least have penatrative sex before I'm much older .<br />
I didn't mean an affair I meant something privately that one could pay for not something sordid ( although it might seem that way to many ) just to have someone make love to me ... once would do .... .... I try and satify myself with toys amd ************ but its not what I want .... of course I don't have experience of anything else having been a virgin when I married . I certainly didn't think that years later I'd still not have been penetrated or have oral sex - very sad life and as I get older I seem to want to hvae sex more & more <br />
Sorry too much info - but off my chest now :-(

If you hadn't discussed sex before you got married, I might have some room to agree with moonrunner... However, you did discuss it and agree that it was a reasonable expectation. Any expectation that you should now be happy to sit back and be friends for the rest of your life is both ludicrous and cruel...<br />
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By all means, see if she is interested in therapy. If you still love her and she is willing to make an effort you should stay and work with her on it. But set a time limit for yourself... Don't waste years on a marriage that isn't... <br />
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And, to begin with, make sure YOU use birth control... More than one person married to a person that doesn't want sex to be part of the relationship finds themselves with just enough sex to have a child... which further traps them...

To Moonrunner,<br />
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She had an abusive mother and an alcoholic father. The father was the lesser of the two evils, but died of HA when she was 18. <br />
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She has a real caregiver mentality and most of her friends need care of some sort. She tends to mother me to a certain extent and is somewhat controlling.

grow a pair and show her whos the boss and man of the house if she doesnt like it too bad just DO IT

I am a firm believer that if you aren't having sex, then you are FRIENDS. <br />
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I can't believe you have lasted this long.

Best of all, annulment means no alimony. Dump this liar and move on. My ex-Sister in Law (whom I still think my Brother was an idiot to divorce) married a man who had this same situation. He got smart, annuled it and married her. (And she's a real doll) Last I knew, they were very happy together. (Sigh) I should be so lucky.

You sir, appear to have been duped into this marriage. It sounds to me much like having bought a used car from an unscrupulous dealer. You never knew what you bought until you brought it home. She wanted you for security not as an intimate loving partner in life.<br />
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I feel sorry for you because as we all know from experience here it doesn't get better only worse as time wears on. I would confront her and if your legal issues were properly prepared wherein in you suffer no financial loss , I would shed her and move on. Let her find some other poor chump to fill her void.<br />
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She is a user and will never be a true spouse no matter what you do for her. Unless she is the one with money and you are being kept to a degree there is no reason to stay.